Short Story / Expectations

What I like the most about this piece is the main charcter. Mira is lovable and relatable. The story is cute, but the pace needs some work.

It feels like you’re jumping from one event in the plot to another. I could hardly keep up with what was going on! At times like the phone conversation and the night before the date, it’s a good idea to linger. Explore Mira’s thoughts, create imagery in the scene around her, paint more of a picture instead of just explaining what happened next.

I think with a little addition in the detail department and some more elaboration, this could be an excellent story!

“She was on a date.” You’ve already said this in the previous paragraph.

Mira is flighty, but some experiences showing how flighty she was in the past might help readers understand why she left the coffee shop.

what time was the lunch going to be? why was she carrying the tea she sold online? what the messages he left? it is good, just a little more description would help the reader.

There seemed to be too much description of thoughts rather than depictions of actions.  It read a little more like an essay than a story.  On the other hand, I could clearly picture the scenes and the main character was well developed for such a short story.

good opening line. jumps right into the thick of things.

smooth sailing so far. quick and bubbly.

“I have to go Laura there’s”--consider, “I have to go, Laura. There’s…” or “I have to go, Laura- there’s…” up to you.

“Laura said and hung up her phone with a…”—this line has a lot of info and action in it and reads clumsy. consider splitting it up in two?

Hm. The POV shift in this area is awkward too. We go from Laura’s inner thoughts to Mira exploding on the phone. The transition threw me a little.

“He did not answer fast enough for her!”—unnecessary line

“so I was wondering…”—So,

“Mira hung up, and turned on”—Mira hung up and then

“She was almost expecting the skies…”—a bit misplaced. Considering that she’s in her room, it might be more fitting to have the roof collapse or the walls fall down.

“Fantasies sprang up…”—very odd to me. The colon threw me and this segment lacks clarity. I understand what you’re going for, but it reads too jumbled and frantic. something to consider.

“So Mira sat in the cafe, and not staring into space like usual.” Hm. So what’s she doing, if not staring into space? Consider, “Mira sat in the cafe, her usually blank stare suddenly focused.”  ?  up to you.

“so blatantly Laura had”—blatantly that Laura

“bursting out of her leaked away and sapped out of her”—sapped out of her is borderline redundant. maybe pick one or the other.

“infering his current”—inferring

good, simple close.

overall—

very busy. very bubbly. entertaining, for sure. good work there.

criticisms?

almost too busy. often awkward and clumsy. to me. could just be me. maybe consider tagging this piece with the iron a few times to try to work some of the wrinkles out. It’s a fast piece, but in order for fast to succeed, you’ve got to streamline it.

First off I’ll say that I like Mira.  Who couldn’t?  Haha, she’s a believable character, and charming at that.  However, your grammar and ability to turn a phrase are impossibly bad.  There were so many structural errors in this piece as to make a publisher trash it after reading less than a paragraph.  I wager you’re quite young, so why not get with your English teacher and brush this up?  You have empathy for and a good grasp of the teen condition, so it would be a shame for you to give up all together.  Keep writing, get some good, constructive feedback from someone who knows what he/she is doing, and good luck with any future endeavors.

I found this’ to be a very amusing short story. I enjoyed it quite a lot. I feel that Mira’s “blinding enthusiasm” is actually quite contagious the way that you have portrayed her. I also feel that your portrayal of “flighty” was quite accurate as well.

Your use of dialogue was quite realistic, which kinda a deal breaker for me anyway. I got the feeling of the friendship between the two characters quite well from that.

My only critique is that I found the ending a bit abrupt. My suggestion is to flesh it out just a bit more to give a better sense of closure (not necessarily happy ending) to the piece.

I know a “Mira,” I think we all do. I think this could a be am uch more effective story if you did more showing, and didn’t tell so much. You outright tell us that she is flighty, how about comparing her to a bird or something instead to get the point across with some nice imagery? Or just show us something she does or had done, and we as readers will think “man, she is flighty!”
Also, in a short story, usually the main character changes. In real life, as we know people like that don’t change usually, but in order to make a more interesting story, she should change in some way. When I think of fictional flighty characters I think of Sophie Kinsella’s Shopaholic series.
To me, this reads more as a character sketch. Now go and write a real story about this character, really get into her head. You might even want to make it first person. Good luck with your writing!

I enjoyed this, found it a fun little piece.

I’m slightly disappointed however. I wanted more from and about the main character. I wanted more layers, more substance. I understand what you were trying to achieve, however the character feels flat. You also give no real physical description of her.

I think you can flesh her out a bit more, while still keeping her flighty persona.