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Short Story / Digging
She sat staring at herself in the mirror. A reflection of herself posed a picture on canvas, a two-dimensional spectacle with a waterfall of emotion splayed behind metal and silver. She thought to herself of the things that she wished she had done, instead of doing nothing at all. Her hopes, her dreams were to create a masterpiece, something that would or could possibly create an influence or maybe even leave fingerprints on the heart of another individual, another soul. She tried for years, but could never finish anything that she started. Perhaps she would develop a song the one you could strum from the neck of the mind, and flow from the container of the heart. Or maybe she would paint a picture, a rush of emotions that would merge from the inside. With a connection of palm to canvas spreading emotions that could cause another to let out "awe", or a single tear because of its beauty. But her real passion started in that pumping muscle that taught the mind to speak. Her fingers would run across the keys onto a screen of thoughts or feelings or emotions of poetry or perhaps even a story.
Her head fell, and the curtains of her eyes closed, eyelashes in an eternal embrace. The chances that had been hung up and labeled goals, dreams, had been obstructed with what the responsible adults like to call reality. Those particular realities seem to happen to those individuals that are marked, special. And she - she was not. In fact, she had no story of great pain, or regret, for she was brought up with the utmost love that could have been possibly expunged from another human being.
Where would she lay in the grand scheme of things? Where is her place in the web of the world that is forever fluctuating? In her mind there is purpose, there is reason, but what? The questions in her mind overflows daily, because she has her physical self, the self that once scratched, now bleeds. Then there is her emotional self that often draws confusion, being this dark room inhibited with lit question marks. This room has so many broken windows, which is harsh during the summer months and almost impossible during the winter, for everything that seems to come in, goes right back out again. So she sits so unsatisfied for the next grand idea that she will never be able to achieve. Knowing that all she is doing is digging bigger holes that she will not be able to fill.
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Matthewtuckey reviewed Version 4 -
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oneshot92 reviewed Version 3 -
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Not much here to work with for a short story, but I’ll give it my best.
The opening to line to any story, be it short or novel, must be grabbing. It needs to take hold of the reader, forcing them to hold on for more.
“Herself” is mentioned three times in the first four lines. This is to repetitive, beware of it.
brought up with the utmost love that could have been possibly expunged – That could have possibly been expunged.
The questions in her mind overflows daily – “Overflow”
As a journal entry or blog, this works well. As a short story, I don’t think this works.
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squarehopper reviewed Version 3 -
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This is a character study but not a story. It shows a person’s thoughts and feelings and the desires but it fails to show a change or resolution to the person’s conflict. It shows acceptance and understanding – but that doesn’t make a story.
If your goal is to make this really a story then I would recommend focusing on the painting, songwriting, and writing more. Have the character actually feel as though they may actually accomplish one of them in the beginning and as she switches from one form of expression to another, begin to realize that she will never be able to complete them through her introspection.
The writing style is poetic and therefore I found it heavy in metaphors and description which cause me to lose interest in the character. The writing sounds good but what purpose does it serve other than to show us that you have a good command of the language and can describe well? I would lighten up on the poetic prose a bit.
Overall, I believe if you give this movement and resolution it would work much better.
Good luck.
TimmysWifeyType reviewed Version 3 -
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This was a very confusing story to me. I really didn’t understand anything she was talking about or even who she was.
Betty13 reviewed Version 3 -
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The empty room with broken glass is her own mind?
I wonder how this would work in a poem. I think you may be able to maximize the drama in that format.
I enjoyed some of the poetic lines like;
“two dimensional…” but the word behind throws me.
”...leave fingerprints…”
“eyelashes…. embrace”
Cheers.
alecthegreat reviewed Version 3 -
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This is quite beautifully written. Very poetic in language!
Things I noticed while reading:
...strum from the neck of the mind, and flow from the container of the heart. – Well written description! It’s far from ordinary or cliché and immediately stands out!
...labeled goals, dreams, had been obstructed… – slightly awkward (because it looks at first like a series. Change the comma between “goals, dreams” to “and” then drop the comma after dreams. I think that would clear up this line.
..being this dark room inhibited… – awkward sentence. Do you mean being in or something else here?
...impossible during the winter, for everything… – awkward sentence. Consider breaking into two sentences (change this comma to a period). That should help clear it up a little bit.
cimak reviewed Version 3 -
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well it definately doesnt fit the story idea
i did get lost throughout the story but was able to keep up since nothing really happened
i did notice that you must write alot of petry because of some of the poetic phrases like
“curtains of her eyes closed, eyelashes in an eternal embrace”
which i enjoyed yet they did nothing in building a story.
Mika_Ilya reviewed Version 2 -
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Kind of sad, but in a haunting way. It makes you think about your life and how you expect to live it, and how that might work out in the end.
Some of the sentances you wrote were unclear, and that may just be because of the description, but I put them on here anyways for your referance, “A reflection of her posed a picture on canvas,” and this one, “from the inside and palm to canvas could spread emotions that could,”.
I’d suggest that this sentance here, “overflows daily, because she has her physical self,” would be replaced with, “overflow daily, because of her physical self,”. It makes more sense with the rest of the sentance. Speaking of which, I’d suggest you turn that huge run-on sentance into two sentances, “The questions in her mind overflow daily, because of her physical self, the self that was once scratched, now bleeds. But there is her emotional self that often draws confusion, a dark room inhibited with lit question marks,” and I added in suggestions to make the sentances flow better. And, obviously, you don’t have to use my suggestions. ^^
My favorite line out this story is, “Perhaps she would develop a song the one you could strum from the neck of the mind, and flow from the container of the heart,”.
Good story, all in all. It’s a very influencing piece.
Good job! = )
estellaandfrank reviewed Version 1 -
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Your work was interesting but left me feeling depressed. I suppose reality is scary to face.
pixistardust reviewed Version 1 -
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This seems more like a short story than a diary or blog, because you’ve written it in the third person. One doesn’t usually write in their journal in the third person. I wouldn’t reccomend changing it to first – this piece is pretty darn powerful and it is good the way it is.
Since this piece does not read like a journal entry, I am reviewing it as a story and not a journal entry. Minor grammatical or punctuation errors really holds it back from its full potential.
You only do it once, but there is a 2 in the first line – I’d reccomend changing it to the word.
Many sentences start with the word “and” – improper grammar
The second paragraph starts with a run on sentence – could easily be broken up.
“embrace. The chances”
“goals and dreams had been”
another run on sentence in the last paragraph. Breaking these apart would give the words more power.
“and she – she was not” The dash would indicate a longer pause than a comma
The last paragraph I found especially moving.
This whole piece is very touching. I think you have a very good idea and a very good image to give the reader. Minor tweaks to it and you could have a masterpiece!
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