The dull red glimmer from the clear glass red light bulb overhead did not make much of an impact on the black painted walls of the small toilet.
In most toilets in this area at this time, no light required switching on, it being noon on a hot and clear summer’s day.
Roman had, however, improved on the concept of black out curtains for this his room of depressive sitting.
I cursed the mild case of food poisoning that demanded I use this facility; I usually avoided it like the plague.
Louise, Roman’s girlfriend, was the sole reason I was in this flat at all, she had called with desperation in her voice. After an hour of listening to the latest episode of ‘life with Roman’, with any other toilet on offer I would have been happy for the excuse for a break.
Roman was a Polish artist living in London, and his obsessive sole subject matter was ‘death’. Not just for his art, but also for his conversation and purpose in life. This was even reflected in his appearance, thin with long black hair and black suit, reminiscent of the most depressing of funeral directors.
Louise was a friend of my ex, and had always been a happy go lucky girl. Until she, for some very unknown and unfathomable reason, took up with Roman. Now, she was a borderline manic depressive. She had proved to be a good friend during my breakup, and now was cashing in the credits she had earned by her support.
My bowels having once again, at least temporarily, stabilized, I flushed and gratefully went into the bathroom next door to wash my hands. There was a memory attached to that bathroom, and it now made me laugh.
The flat was on the third floor of an old house, and the bathroom window faced onto a very small paved yard, enclosed by a high wall and locked gate. This had not, however, prevented someone from climbing up the drainpipe and staring in as Louise had taken her bath a few weeks ago. She had, she told me, screamed and the face rapidly disappeared. By the time she climbed from the bath, wrapped herself in a towel and ran to call Roman, whoever it was had made good their escape.
She recalled the event during my previous visit, and even Roman had laughed at the lengths some people take to view a naked woman. I kept to myself the fact that the peeping Tom had chosen to view a very plain and extremely over weight woman for his viewing pleasure.
Making such a statement, I have to defend myself and say that this statement in no way devalues Louise as a person or potential partner for someone. She is just not the archetype Peeping Tom material depicted in books and films.
Today, Roman was out, possibly visiting funeral parlors to get in the mood for another painting.
I rejoined Louise, and she continued as though I had merely looked away for a moment rather than having disappeared into the black hole of Urban Brixton. “I try so hard to stay positive, but he just brings me down so much.”
I wasted some breath. “Then why do you stay with him?”
She shrugged, as she had so many times in the past when we ran through this repetitive conversation. “Because I love him.”
I decided on a completely new tact. Perhaps I was influenced by my time in the black hole. “Louise, he is OK in small doses, but only a masochist would consider actually living with the guy. Just walk out and have someone tell him you died – it would make his day!”
Surprisingly, she just nodded.
I continued, perhaps I had found the winning argument. “You will be doing him a great favor you know, he can do that portrait of you he has been promising for over a year. OK, it will probably be of your corpse lying in state, but that would make a change from his copying death masks from a book. It might lead to a whole new avenue for him.”
Her large sad eyes slowly looked up at me, brimming with tears. “He would you know. He never verbally communicates anything, and that would be his way of dealing with grief.”
Hoping that I was finally on a winner, I rashly hurried on. “Shall I help you gather your stuff?”
Those tears now gushed. “He needs me.”
I slumped. “He’s killing you Louise, slowly but surely. I hardly recognize you now compared to how you used to be.”
There was a rattle of a key in the lock. She quickly rubbed at her eyes. “He’s back. You’d better go.”
I shook my head, as much as I actually relished the idea of leaving. “I can’t leave you here alone with him Louise. At least he’s slightly less morbid with me around.”
Roman walked in, a huge smile on his face. “Hey, there was a funeral procession down the road. One of those modern hearses followed by at least a dozen cars.”
He immediately rushed to his easel, removing the existing canvas and replacing it with a blank. “I have to capture the scene, before it fades in my mind. Is there anything to eat Louise?”
I reminded him of my presence. “Hi Roman, how are you? Hope you are well.”
He absently waved in my direction, “Hi.”
Louise stood up. “I’d better cook something. I’ll call you later.”
As I left the apartment, I sighed. I’d make a pretty crap relationship counselor.
However, one thing positive came out of my visit – a fresh determination to decorate the bathroom and toilet at home.
Something really bright and cheerful.
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First sentence is too… busy. Red’s been said. There’s almost too much information here, being the first sentence, and might intimidate some readers, or give the impression it’s going to be overdone and boring – which it isn’t.
“In most toilets in this area at this time” not sure what this means. You said it’s not sci-fi so a time warp is out… Doesn’t say where they are, so why is this relevant? Or reword it so that your point clear.
“It being…” ( for instance ) Your style isn’t consistent. It’s as though you want to be formal, and sound terribly sophisticated in your telling, then hit me with a casual, dry, slap-stick comment. This is a good strategy – IF it’s what you’re doing – but needs to be stronger in the contrast, then.
archetype = archetypal? typical? stereotypical?
I don’t know if the narrator is male or female – I also don’t know that it matters… Did I miss it?
“I kept to myself” doesn’t seem relevant to the rest of the information in this sentence. Makes it sound like a secret only you know, but her physical appearance would make the irony obvious to anyone hearing the story.
The teller is kind of emotionless, and cardboard during the conversation. He ran right over when she called, then makes a crack about her weight. “I wasted my breath,” near the beginning gives the impression this conversation is obligatory, but he must care or he wouldn’t have left his own place in his… physical condition?
While it’s a scenario I’ve seen played out numerous times, you’ve got a good grasp of the reality and relate it fairly well. You also haven’t tried to assign too much emotion to the characters. You let us figure it out, which draws us – at least me – in. Kind of “invests” me, I guess. Since there’s no given “purpose” to the piece, I don’t know how to help, or what to offer. The characters are real and fleshed out well, with that small exception of the narrator.
Is it necessary to say both bathroom AND toilet? Are they not the same room?
I love the ending. It’s a dry – almost British twist on the whole telling :) I like your style, if a bit raw. I gave it a 7 because overall, you’ve done an excellent job capturing this moment in these folks’ lives, no matter if it’s an excerpt or a stand-alone.
Owing to the machine-gun fire of adjectives in the first half a second of your piece, i would at least consider injecting a comma, subtracting a word or two, or changing word sequence to enable a more natural flow.
personally, i’d write:
- The dull red glimmer from the overhead bulb made very little impact on the black-painted walls.
i inserted ‘very’ because otherwise the rearrange has poor flow in that regin. i deleted one word ‘red’ since saying it twice seems unnecessary, and words like ‘clear’ seem equally unnecessary – surely bulbs are clear by definition. given the cluster of adjectives (not necessarily a bad thing if it’s genuinely adding something), i therefore think my version’s tidier, easier to process, and doesn’t lose anything crucial.
I deleted ‘toilet’ from the sentence since you can then begin the next one with something like ‘Unlike other toilets…this one…’ – this means you let the reader derive for themselves that we’re in a toilet here.
The ‘it’ from ‘it being’, technically, relates either to ‘toilet’ or ‘light’ mentioned previously. i know you’re using a mode of speech (‘it being such and such the case’, but I would do it in a different way in this case to avoid the possible clumsiness invoked by its conjunction with what precedes (For example, you could change it to: ’...switching on, for this was noon on a hot summer’s day).
black out – blackout or black-out
i’d delete ‘case of’ to create better flow there.
after ‘flat at all’ either a dash or full stop, not comma.
consider colon after ‘appearance’ rather than comma.
happy go lucky – happy-go-lucky
i like the sentence beginning ‘there was a memory’
over weight – overweight
she is just not – she just isn’t
archetype – archetypal
today, roman was out… < great sentence
I like this story – good characterisation, and it seems like a good potential first chapter for a short novel.
I think you definitely have potential as a writer, just work on the vocab a bit, and maybe inject a bit more poetics into it – metaphor and so forth.
The reader definitely feels like he is getting to know the narrator, and i think the characters have a lot of potential for deeper development.
Nice. Keep working at it.
8
As you warned it doesn’t really go anywhere but it was well written. I had the feeling this was a transcript from a real conversation…and that, in case I’m not being clear, is a compliment.
p.1 “dull glimmer” seems like an oxymoron. Perhaps “pale” would work better. You also use red twice within 5-6 words. I would delete ‘clear’ because colored bulbs aren’t clear. ‘painted’ is implied by ‘black’. “Enclosed” or “Cramped” instead of ‘small’ to describe the toilet.
The second sentence doesn’t flow for me. I came up with “As it was noon on a hot and clear summer day, no light required switching on in most toilets in this area.”
p.2 “all(;) she”
p.4 “happy-go-lucky”
Suggestion: ...(-)for..reason(-)..Roman(,) and was now…
p.6 ‘screamed(,)’
p.7 ‘Peeping’
Also, they way he defends himself seems forced, almost as if he’s trying not to laugh. Maybe something along the lines of “Louise was a good…,but she is just not”
Suggestion: “recognize you anymore”
I like the ‘irony’ of Roman being so happy in death while Louise is so miserable in life. I felt your MC’s futility while trying to help his friend. I might go a little into why Louise was such a good friend to him during the breakup, especially since she’d been friends with the ex. Girls will usually stick together, unless the girl has done something completely heinous, like cheating with 15 guys.
I laughed when he was trying to get her to leave. Typical guy thinking a girl will decide to leave without giving it a load of thought. Typical girl arguments for not leaving. Most of us have had arguments like this, and been on both sides.
I really like the ending. I wouldn’t have done it differently.
“glass red light bulb” This is a bit wordy, especially since we know that light bulbs are made of glass.
“flat at all, she had called” Run-on. Ditto next sentence starting with “with”.
“appearance, thin with long black” Run-on.
“happy go lucky” Hyphenate this.
“I kept to myself the fact that” This opening to the sentence doesn’t convey the idea you’re trying to get across. “I remarked to myself” or “I noted”...
“Peeping Tom” Earlier you leave the “p” in “peeping” lower case. Inconsistent.
““I try so hard to stay positive,” Page break before you start this dialogue.
“it would make his day!”” This is very funny. That fact that she nods in agreement is even better.
“I continued, perhaps I had found the winning argument.” Run-on.
“crap relationship” “crap” should be in adjectival form.
I like the ending, but i don’t love it. Given the strange conversation with Louise, i think you keep the death theme going in the same awkward, logic defying manner. I’m not saying kill Louise, just keep that brilliant death-as-a-way-of-saving-oneself-and-furthering-Roman’s-career.
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