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Sci Fi & Fantasy / Jewel Angels-Chapter 1
Chapter 1: Gloom and Doom
The dazzling golden sunlight faded away and the dense gloom of the underground cave closed in around them. The faint mephitic smell of sulfur wafted in the air and warmth consumed the atmosphere. The footsteps of the three sisters echoed as they made their way into the mine.
A flashlight flickered on and sliced through the darkness.
“We’ll have to go further in this time,” Rubi, the eldest, announced as she shone the flashlight around. Her black hair that was cropped to her neck stuck out from under her white hardhat.
Saphyr clicked on her flashlight too. It was brighter than Rubi’s. “Yeah, last time there were hardly any jewels to find.” Her naturally curly brown hair was in a low ponytail, and her hardhat was so low it fell over her eyebrows. She reached up to adjust it, but it would soon fall back down again.
Imerald stared at her sisters, disbelief widening the features of her caramel-skinned face. “You mean we’re going beyond the prohibited sign?”
“What did you think we were going to do, Ime?”
“I don’t know…pick through the rock wall till we found something?”
“That’s too much hard work,” Rubi said.
“Saphyr has been telling you to hire some male miners…”
“We barely make enough money for ourselves. How am I going to afford to pay other miners?”
Imerald sighed. It was true their jewelry shop made just enough profit to support them. The girls worked with making jewelry because they had the mystical ability to easily locate and cut precious jewels, especially rubies, sapphires, and emeralds. They couldn’t explain the phenomenon; it seemed almost magical, but they thought it was just their special talent, like other people could sing or cook expertly.
The local mine, their present location, was a huge part of their success. But it was running dry of the precious jewels. It had already been low in supply from the town’s mining from many years ago, yet the girls, with their special talent, had picked their way into another chamber full of jewels. Now the chamber was empty.
“If a place is labeled ‘prohibited’, there must be a reason why we shouldn’t go,” Imerald pointed out.
“Duh,” Saphyr responded. “But whatever the danger, we’re willing to take the risk. We’re the Jewelettes.” It was the name they’d come up with to refer to their special ability.
“The Jewelettes can only locate jewels. Not retrieve them from a dangerous environment. What if the mine caves in or something?”
“Aw, is the little baby afraid of venturing into the unknown?” Saphyr teased. She tugged on one of the black pigtails under Imerald’s hat. She was always messing with her little sister’s hair, which was the longest out of the three of them.
Imerald scowled. “No, it’s just…Rubi, are you sure you want to do this?”
“You got any other ideas on how we can keep our shop running? A way to produce jewels out of thin air maybe?” Rubi inquired.
Imerald fell silent. She could see there was no talking her sisters out of this. They were the older ones, so hopefully they knew what they were doing. Imerald was only twelve, so she couldn’t compete against a sixteen-year-old and a nineteen-year-old.
Oh well, she thought. This could be fun. Kind of like an adventure.
Imerald touched the black rock of the wall to her right and ran her hand along its bumpy surface as they walked further into the mine. She couldn’t feel the familiar sensation of her favorite kind of gemstones, emeralds. Usually it was like a tingling at her fingertips.
Then, about two minutes later, Imerald felt the slightest prickle, but it was coming from ahead, where the remainder of the path was boarded up with wooden planks. A large sign over the boards read: PROHIBITED AREA-DO NOT ENTER.
“Okay, this is it,” Rubi said, shifting the backpack slung over her left shoulder. “Imerald, if you want to wait right here, that’s fine.”
“And let you guys have all the fun? No way,” Imerald said.
Saphyr rolled her eyes. “Let’s just get this over with. We shouldn’t have to come back here for another few months if we get enough.” She stepped up to the prohibited sign and ducked under a gap in the boards that had broken off. Rubi went next, then Imerald followed hastily, eager to see what was beyond the forbidden barrier.
The heat and sulfuric odor increased as they strolled along. In fact, there were flecks of yellow dust coating the walls here.
“Sulfur,” Rubi stated, touching the yellow dust. She paused with her hand against the rock.
“Do you sense any rubies?” Saphyr asked.
Rubi gazed ahead. “A little further.”
“How can you be sure?”
She pointed. There were beautiful red flickers as her flashlight beamed over the wall. There were also some blue and green along the opposite one.
“Oh.” Saphyr shrugged off her backpack and got out the gloves and a pickaxe. She handed out the other two pairs of gloves to her sisters, then put on a pair herself. Rubi grabbed the pickaxe. She hardly ever let her sisters do the dirty work in the mine, but she let them make up for it in the jewelry shop.
Imerald noticed some white sparkling rocks a little further in. She gasped. “Are those diamonds? We’ve never found any diamonds!”
Rubi and Saphyr rushed over immediately. After exclaiming with excitement, Rubi said, “Okay, Saphyr, hold the light and I’ll pick these out. Imerald, you can gather some of the other jewels.”
Imerald nodded and went to the opposite wall where her favorite gemstones, emeralds, were glittering in the stone. She only took the ones that were easy to pry from the rock without picking and placed them in her own backpack.
This area isn’t dangerous after all, Imerald thought as she picked the emeralds and sapphires. She started moving away from her sisters as it got harder to find easy-to-grab gemstones. Her backpack quickly became half full.
Imerald froze and stood rigid when she felt it; a sort of tug at her insides. It was almost as if an invisible force was calling to her from somewhere deeper in the cave. It wasn’t quite like the call of the emeralds. It was much stronger. Could it be an even larger stash of jewels?
Imerald looked back at her sisters. They were still busy extracting diamonds from the rock. Obviously they weren’t feeling what Imerald was.
She dropped her pack and began walking cautiously towards the tugging sensation, further into the mine. It was an almost subconscious action because there seemed to be no resisting the force driving her. She didn’t even feel in control of her legs anymore.
An orange glow appeared in the distance. The heat was intensifying, causing sweat to bead on Imerald’s forehead and under her arms. Sulfuric fumes were so powerful now that they felt like they were choking her.
Imerald took another step, and the tip of her shoe caught on a heavy rock. Suddenly she was falling down a sloped outcrop, rolling and bumping along its rough, jagged surface. Her hardhat tumbled off her head, and one of the straps of her overalls tore. A terrified cry escaped from her dry lips.
It seemed like forever before Imerald finally slowed, but then she was falling again, this time over the side of a precipice. She instinctively grabbed onto the edge and hung on for dear life as her legs swung out and hung below her. Several yards under her feet, there was a pit of boiling lava. Her mining hat plunged into it, sizzling as it went under. Ashes swirled around and soot clung to her clothes.
Imerald screamed. Fear had snapped her out of her trancelike state. She tried to heave herself back up, but she didn’t have the strength. Tears formed in her eyes from terror and the scorching atmosphere.
The lava pit seemed to let out a humanlike groan below. It erupted a stream of molten rock up at the girl hanging over its depths. She whimpered in fright.
“Imerald!”
The calls of her sisters at that moment was the sweetest sound she’d ever heard.
“Help!” Imerald cried, still clinging onto the pit’s precipice, ignoring how much the rock burned her hands.
From above, she heard the frantic scrambling as her sisters made their way towards her. In an instant, gloved hands were grabbing at Imerald’s slender arms. She scraped her feet against the pit’s side as she was pulled up from the lava pit onto safe land, away from the reaches of the fiery substance.
Rubi wrapped her in a tight embrace. “Gosh, Ime! Don’t ever scare us like that again! We thought we’d lost you.”
Saphyr had also draped herself around Imerald. “We’re so glad you’re all right.”
Imerald wasn’t sure she was all right. As she struggled to catch her breath and stop her heart from racing so wildly, she continued to stare into the deadly lava pit. It had been forcing her to walk towards it. And when it had let out the groaning sound, it had sounded like an actual word. Maybe Imerald had just been delusional during that brush with death.
But she could have sworn the lava had said, “Imerald.”
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jaywriter88 reviewed Version 2 -
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this looks to be a promising story i myself don’t know much about jewels and was kind of taken aback by the premise but upon reading it i actually took a liking to it.
given the girls the innate ability to discover jewels is interesting i wonder where the ability comes from or even more what there is to discover about their abilities and the origins of it i really liked the way it ended leaving you with questions.
i would just like to see more done on the characters on the emotional level
i would like to see where the story goes from here keep writing
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Niko89101 reviewed Version 2 -
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The piece has a good flow and feel. The pit seems to be even more interesting…
Elf reviewed Version 2 -
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“The girls worked with making jewelry because they had the mystical ability to easily locate and cut precious jewels…”
I think you need to add a bit here. You just told us these girls have a wonderful power…but you make it sound like its an every day even in telling us. I know they don’t see it as over the top wonderful, but you can still bring out the mystery of it while letting us know that. You also need to explain this ability a bit more, I mean it takes no real mystical ability to cut gems, just training. So how did they learn…is finding them the special ability, or have they get always know how to work with them as well.
Another way to re work it would be not to let us know about there special ability until they are actually USING it. That way it is explained by there actions with out having to add a lot of explanatory text.
For the sake of not being repetitive I would suggest changing the vary last sentence to…”But she could have sworn the lava had said her name!” Or something like that, with out actually using her name again.
You have written this in a vary simplistic style, almost like a young teens book or something. Was that intentional?
I think you need to dig deeper in to some description, not so much what everything looks like, but what dose it feel like. It comes across as a bit flat for me. Some of your dialog seams a little strained to. But I my self am not the greatest at it so i wont say anything more there.
Your telling the story, but I don’t feel like I am getting to know the girls. I want to know what they are like.
I also find there names a bit unimaginative. I know were you are going with it though, each is drawn more to the gem they are named after. It can work but keep in mind how its been done many times over before.
Keep writing.
dcyuelling reviewed Version 2 -
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Rubi is definitely a realist, which is good. She sees that there’s not other choice but to move on into the ‘Prohibited Area’ in search for jewels to keep their shop running.
Saphyr is, I think I’ve said this before, full of spunk. I don’t think it’s the interest in finding the jewels alone that drive her but the thrill of going someplace she’s not suppose to be.
Imerald is wary of the decisions the other sisters make. Being the baby of the two, she just goes along with the other two. At this point, I think she’s more of a follower than a leader.
Very exciting for the first chapter. The fall and the description of the boiling lava was super. I’ve read other chapters before this one and I can see how much I’m gonna enjoy the rest. There’s really nothing that needs to be changed. Maybe a more extensive excitement. Feels like it was a little rushed as were the reactions from the sisters. It doesn’t seem their reaction would be realistic. Try spicing it up a tad. Making the girls scream for Imerald, and describing the struggle of pulling her up from the lava. Also, maybe a bit more on how far down the lava was from her feet. Cause realistically, if she was too close her clothing would have caught fire. So maybe a little distance between her and the lava would help to determine how much more in danger she was. You know? Hope this helps.
Torbjorn_Nordhagen reviewed Version 2 -
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You write well—story has a natural flow to it and I found myself following it quite easily. First three sentences are a very good opener imo.
Honestly, I’m having a little trouble with the plausibility of the premise--sorry, know you’ve heard that before. Being that jewels are precious, I’m having trouble seeing how three orphans with the mystical abilities to locate them would be still impoverished. Is this society in a region with a lot of jewels? You don’t have to let the reader know when/where they are right at beginning of story, but drop hints--dress, custom, anything--regarding the type of society these girls live in. The flashlights and hard hats imply that it’s modern/near-modern, but my advice is to play around with it--are there other magical abilities? What does it do to a society to have people in it with magical abilities? You might read Brandon Sanderson’s “Mistborn” books for an excellent example of this.
As another reviewer has said, too, think about geology/gemology--and spelunking, I’d add--layer realistic, plausible details and you’ll hook the reader. What does the mine look like? What sorts of rock/mineral deposits etc? I’d read about diamond mining in various parts of Africa—Congo, for one.
To close, I think you have some interesting characters and ideas, and I see much talent in the mechanics of how your story is written. The ending is suspenseful without feeling contrived or forced. A little more detail/conceptual work and you’ll go all sorts of places.
Cheers! ~Torbjorn
vickb reviewed Version 2 -
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Heya,
This looked interesting so I thought I’d take a look, I’ll point out anything that stands out to me and also spelling and grammar below,
Page one
A great start here, a nice description at the beginning which gets straight into the story, and makes you wan to read more.
Page 2
You give a good amount of detail here about the mine’s, without it being too muchof an info-dump. And I also get to know something more about the three isters.
Page 3
PROHIBITED AREA-DO NOT ENTER ~ I think this should be PROHIBITED AREA: DO NOT ENTER ~ It’s fine either way though
I think I’d like to see more description of the mine here, and the rubies.
Page 4
She started moving away from her sisters as it got harder to find easy-to-grab gemstones. ~ This line is a little confusing, maybe change it around a little, something like: She started moving away from her sisters, as it got harder to find the gemstones.
Great suspense here, and I am eager to know if Imerald will be okay.
Page five
Getting more interesting, I need to read and see if she makes it.
page six
A great ending, full of mysterious and suspense, I need to read more now.
Ovarall
I liked this story, but I would like to read more of this to get a better view of the characters. Great start
Weaver reviewed Version 2 -
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“warmth consumed the atmosphere” – “Warmth” seems like too weak/friendly a word here; maybe “heat” would sound better.
“Her black hair that was cropped to her neck…” – awkward phrasing – how about “Her black hair, worn cropped short to the neck, stuck out…”?
“but it would soon fall back down again” – good image – more interesting than saying “her hat always slipped down” – like the implied inevitability of it
“Imerald” – I like this name. It’s certainly the most pleasant variant of “Emerald” I’ve seen, and unique (as far as I know) without being confusing.
“the prohibited sign” a littlel confusing – I know you mean that the sign says “Prohibited,” but this is written as if the sign itself is prohibited.
“Ime” – is her name pronounced with a long ‘i’? or is this meant to be pronounced “Immie”?
You may want to research a bit of geology to make sure that the jewels your protagonists are mining are really found in the sorts of places you have in the story. For example (I just asked my clone-sibling, who is the geology person in the family), ruby and sapphire can be found together, but emerald is found in a different kind of rock and may or may not be in the same mine, but would not be with the first two. It may seem trivial, but this kind of attention to facts (yes, even in a fantasy story) can make a big difference.
This story made my proofreader-self happy, because I didn’t notice any problems with grammar, punctuation or spelling. Good work!
So far, the story seems slightly simplistic to me, but that could be because of the age of the viewpoint characters. It shouldn’t be considered a flaw in the writing if that is how you intended it to sound.
EMZ reviewed Version 2 -
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since this is chapter one I don’t see how this turns into a scifi but I think if you keep deepening the characters and somehow go deeper into the lava pit incident, then you can have an interesting almost realistic current day story go on. As for some of the errors in this story, I’ll point them out.
The dazzling golden sunlight faded away and the dense gloom of the underground cave closed in around them.
Very well written start to the chapter. Very well written.
that was cropped to her / that was cropped at her
Saphyr clicked on her flashlight too. It was brighter than Rubi’s.
I think you can do something else to make this sound better. Something like Saphyr clicked on her flashlight as well, its beam brighter than Rubi’s.
“What did you think we were going to do, Ime?”
who spoke this line? Rubi or Saphyr
But it was running dry of the precious jewels. The sentence that this follows is already too full but if you switched out But with Unfortunately or another word of such, then you can make the line better.
“If a place is labeled ‘prohibited’, there must be a reason why we shouldn’t go,” Imerald pointed out.
Is she scared here or what? I sense her being scared but I’m not sure.
We’re the Jewelettes Nice name for them. I like it.
Imerald was only twelve, so she couldn’t compete against a sixteen-year-old and a nineteen-year-old.
You really need to explain how that’s possible. How is a nineteen year old running a jewelry shop and where are their parents?
“And let you guys have all the fun? No way,” Imerald said.
this sentence coming from her seems like it could be a bit more exclamatory.
grabbing at Imerald’s slender / replace Imerald’s with her
been delusional during that brush with death.
But she could have sworn the lava had said, “Imerald.” combine the two sentences with a common, erase the period and lowercase b.
MaxPower1272 reviewed Version 2 -
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The detail at the beginning of the story is good, but many parts of the story sound amaturish or like a children’s book unless that is your intent. They can be solved easily by finding the correct coventions to follow.
“the local mine” may want to be changed to the name of the mine like “bob’s mine”. Sounds more refined.
Also i did not get a very good grasp as to the overall setting or plot that was going on or what type of fantasy your world may be in. You don’t have to explain all at once, but try to put some small hints.
Setting is either Modern Day, Near Future, Far Future, Fantasy etc.
What is the connection between the character’s jewel names and the reason their looking for jewels.
This opening leaves alot of questions which is good, but remember that an editor may only read a page or two before putting it in the slush pile. The first page of the book has to be dynamite.
cabrbooks reviewed Version 2 -
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This was a great read! I enjoyed the details of the characters and their affection for one another was clearly depicted in the first few paragraphs. I enjoyed the content and your verbiage was simple to follow. I can’t wait to read what happens next! You definitely have a potential in your hands. Write on!
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