the ending definitely needs work. it’s a work in progress. thanks for the review!
Short Story / A Candle in the Dark
Robert opened his eyes. Milky light sauntered aimlessly through a cobweb-covered window on the far side of the room, only visible during the day. Rain pounded against the thin plaster walls, forcing its way through a crack in the roof. A thin layer of dust coated the scuffed wooden floor.
“Are you awake?” he asked. Robert’s voice wandered through the room, making him feel very much alone.
Juliet shifted slightly, her back cracking painfully. Her neck and shoulders ached from being tied to Robert for so long.
A man, presumably a poor ex-mariner, came in frequently to check on them, often with a half-finished bottle of beer in his hand. Restless and impatient, he came during the night, a time when the rest of the town was sleeping. He stank of rotten fish, and his face shone like the sun-wrinkled tomatoes at the market. Neither of them knew his name.
“Don’t try to move. You’ll only break the skin,” Robert whispered. He flexed his neck, checked the door for the man, and moved his toes around in his shoes to keep them from losing circulation.
Juliet’s wrists were already chafed and red from rubbing against the frayed boat rope for two days. The man had taken them with the intention of murdering Robert, a journalist who had nearly gotten him killed a few years ago. “All that was left of his sister was a bloody sheet and a train ticket,” the article had said. But he had held them captive for nearly two days now, never saying a word.
“Do you think he’ll kill you?” Juliet murmured, choking on the last words.
In the murky darkness, Robert flinched at the mention of his imminent death. “Juliet...” But he didn’t have an answer. In truth, the man would probably kill him very soon. Something quick and easy, he hoped. Juliet was the only light he had. Among the shades and sorcerers of the dark, she was the sole candle, a candle that could never be snuffed out.
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burnvictim reviewed Version 1 -
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shoppingcartfreedom reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the scene you’ve painted. Its very detailed, but it isn’t finished. This is the beginning of a story, not a complete one.
“Milky light sauntered aimlessly” – fantastic image, but… light coming through a window into a dark room is very defined and sharp. Sauntered and aimless seem like its slowly wandering around the room.
”...forcing its way…” – Would go with poured through the crack in the roof. Rain can’t force itself.
Dialogue is done well and believable.
Have you considered having the “mariner” come in and say something to them?
“The man had taken them with…” – I wouldn’t give away your plot this early. Tell the story!
“Juliet was the only light he had.” – Its a good line, but it begs further explanation.
Keep at it!
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pigpin reviewed Version 1 -
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Robert opened his eyes. Milky light sauntered aimlessly through a cobweb-covered window on the far side of the room, only visible during the day. Rain pounded against the thin plaster walls, forcing its way through a crack in the roof. A thin layer of dust coated the scuffed wooden floor.; you should tell us more you jump around to much. you say the rain pounded against the thin plaster walls; then you jump to the rain coming through the roof. you should give more description. i don;t want to use up alot of your credits but you get the idea. just give us a little more description. the story itself is good.
nelsonov reviewed Version 1 -
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I was confused about whether the man that checked up on them is the same man that captured them. I don’t think you mean them to be the same, but it was difficult to tell for sure. If they are supposed to be the same then there is a contradiction since at the beginning you don’t know his background and later you say the man had written an article about him.
I think you are still looking for an ending or maybe you need to rearrange something. If you want it to end here, then end with him thinking of his imminent death and put the bit about her being the sole candle just before it. The ending is a bit awkward with that being the last part.
saxmastadrew reviewed Version 1 -
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You say ‘presumably a poor ex-mariner,’ but dont offer much to support this hypothesis. I think you should say ‘smelled of rotten fish,’ because ‘stank’ is implied with the rotten fish.
In the end, you shouldn’t use candle twice in one sentence…maybe say ‘a flame that could never be snuffed out’.
Good job.
trident reviewed Version 1 -
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A good (but definitely incomplete) work. You need to develop the history behind the capture, especially the article and the agonizing the captor had gone through since the article.
I like the fact that in the end he’s accepting he’ll die, but you should make this more poignant – maybe the man has come back with a pistol or a machete???
Also, I’d lose the first paragraph, or at least bury it after the next two para’s. It holds up the story.
squarehopper reviewed Version 1 -
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You are right, this needs a lot of work. And it is not finished.
First, your introduction is hasty. Spend more time on the description and make sure that one detail ties in with the next. The rain through the crack of the roof – yet dusty floors? Rain – yet sun of the day? Can work but you need to give more detail.
Second, how can Robert feel alone if Juliet and the vilian is there and in his mind? I would use a more accurate feeling – desperation maybe?
Third – fouth paragraph – wrongly placed. Should go after “boat rope for two days” Also, the description is lacking about the man. Tell us his stature, his built, his attitude. show us how he interacts with your two characters.
How does Robert know he is targeted for murder and the motive? Especially since he doesn’t know his captor?
This needs a proper ending – resolve the problem.
Good luck.
jeneva5 reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like the end of this…the imagery of Juliet being the candle. I think you should expand upon this story, but it is definitely a very good start.
Betty13 reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the story. I’m thinking the man should have entered the room there, rather than just a description. Using your description of him as a presence in the room briefly checking on them as he did with some frequency….
jeanniecm1984 reviewed Version 1 -
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Your story takes place at night, so why are you going to mention the cobwebs if Robert can only see them during the day? Maybe the moonlight illuminates the cobwebs.
Keep this in one person’s point of view. How does Robert know the pain Juliet feels unless she says something? If they’re tied back-to-back they way I think they are, how does Robert know what her wrists look like?
You repeat how long they’ve been captive within 2 lines. Try replacing one with “since they’d been captive” or something.
Personal preference, take out the ‘a candle’ in the last sentence.
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