hey thank you so much for the review. the mystery kinda comes in when Manda finds out she’s a witch. then you find out a lot more about the other people and what her real purpose is.
and yeah i’d love for you to go into more detail with the grammer. it will help a lot.
thanks
-nathan
Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / The Diary Of A Witch Chapter 2 W/ Recap
Chapter Two
School and Back Again
Well I guess I could tell about myself. My name is Amanda, or Manda, Watson. My hair is black, raven black; Just like my father. Which I hate. I’m seventeen, and my eyes are bluish grayish. I’m skinny, I guess, and curvy and short. The shortest in the family.
School sucks; just thought I’d say that. I go to Salem High. There are a ton of people who go there, some thousands. Our football team is named The Witches, yeah corny right? I have a few friends. Just Becca and Jerry. We’ve been friends since I came back about three years ago.
Rob played football, and was their best player. He had a ton of friends because of it. Which got me some. But once he graduated all those friends left. So I guess my true friends were Becca and Jerry.
Becca is beautiful. She has short blonde hair and dark blue eyes. She looks just like Diane Kruger from Troy. She always would wear name brand clothes. But she never put it in my face that she was richer. Her mother always bought them for her. She told me one day that if she could she’d wear pajama pants and a t-shirt everywhere.
Jerry on the other hand is the complete opposite. His hair is black ,like mine, but not as perfect. It’s cut short, kind of shaggy. He wears black a lot. Every time he walks by me my heart drops. But I know I can never have him, because he’s with someone else. Evelynn. Gosh I hate her. She’s always been mean to me, but Jerry never saw. Because every time Jerry came around us she would act all innocent and nice. But when we were alone she was a bitch from hell. Oh sometimes I just wanna pull my hair out for his stupidity.
I woke up at six in the morning. Sadly it was snowing. I got up out of bed and went to the shower. The warm water felt good on my cold limbs. I guess I was in there for like thirty minutes. Because the water got cold, so I turned it off. I put on some jeans and a blue sweater. My shoes were downstairs so I couldn’t pull of avoiding mom.
Surprisingly she took the car news well. She didn’t freak out and throw pans and spoons at me like any other normal parent. She said calmly, “Well who wants some ice cream?” Gosh. Sometimes I can’t stand her, but when she lets me off like that I love her. Of course she told me I had to help pay for the damage. So that meant a job witnessing. Yay.
I walked down the stairs and got my shoes from the closet. I sat on the leather sectional and tied the stings together. Alice wasn’t down here yet. So I could grab a pop tart and leave without having to see her.
“Hello Amanda.”
I screamed and turned around. It was Rob.
“Oh god,” I hit him, “ don’t do that again.”
He was laughing. He said in his normal voice, “Someone’s a little jumpy today.”
“Oh no- no, just I thought I was the only one awake..”
“Sorry to burst your bubble sis, but I have a biology test today.” He walked past me into the kitchen. He was just in his boxers.
“How the hell do you dress like that now?” I asked in disbelief.
“Hey,” he said grabbing a box of Cheerios, “I’m naturally warm.”
I shook my head, and walked in and opened the cabinet. I looked into the box of cinnamon flavored pop tarts and saw only one left.
“Well good luck on the biology test,” I said.
“Good luck with the bitch,” said Rob waving.
I laughed. He meant Evelynn.
I walked down the street to my bus stop and waited. I put my headphones in my ears and pressed shuffle on my iPod. The first song that played was Muse’s Super Massive Black Hole. The bus stopped in front of me and opened its doors. I stepped on in and sat in the empty seat, meant for me, in the back. I laid my head on the window and closed my eyes.
I felt the bus jerk to a stop and heard the people in front of me get up. I lifted my head and stood and stepped out into the walkway. I passed the little middle schoolers and got off the bus. I left my head phones in while I walked into the school. My locker number was 1080. My combination? Well I couldn’t tell you that. My notebook and pencils were on top, and I grabbed my Calculus book on the bottom shelf. Luckily they put shelves in the locker when they built the school.
The hallways were huge, but still crowded. The people that come here are all douche bags. Except, of course, Becca and Jerry.
I turned at the same time I closed my locker and walked down the hallway to the east wing. There were four wings to the school: east, west, north, and south. East was the English wing, along with foreign languages. West was all the math classes. North, the arts. South was History classes.
I had to talk to my English teacher. I was supposed to be picked up for a psychiatrist appointment. No I’m not crazy. Mom just wanted us all to go after dad ran off. Mrs. Berry was my English teacher. She was my last period which made it hard for me because she’s my favorite teacher. Well I guess you would like to know my schedule. Here it is:
1st Period
Calculus- Mr. Ryder
2nd Period
U.S. History-Mr. Halter
3rd Period
Ceramics-Mrs. Summers
4th Period
Spanish II-Mr. P
5th Period
Chemistry Honors-Ms. O’Neal
6th Period
Theater II-Mrs. Gerdon
7th Period
English AP-Mrs. Berry
Nice huh?
Once I got up the last set of stairs I saw Mrs. Berry standing outside her room. When she saw me her dark blue eyes lit up. I smiled. Mrs. Berry was a tall slender woman. She had short black hair, but not as dark as mine, cropped right next to her ears. She actually looked beautiful. Her shirt was white with a Chinese pug in the middle, and she had on a black long skirt.
“Hey,” I said.
“How are you?” She said smiling, “I Didn’t expect to see you up here at this time.”
“Yeah. I had to come up to tell you I wouldn’t be coming today. To your class I mean.”
“Oh? Why?”
Straight to the point, “I have an appointment.”
“Oh. Well you don’t need to worry about anything.”
“Really”
“Yes. You’ve been a good student all year. You’ve turned in everything I’ve asked for, and you’ve just been a really nice kid.”
“Thanks.”
“You’re welcome,” and the first bell rang.
“Better go.”
“Bye”
I waved and walked away.
I, eventually, had to run to my calculus class to be there on time. When I got in the bell rand and Channel One started.
“Nice timing, said Mr. Ryder smiling. He was a short 40 something man. He looked older than what he was. He already had a bald head.
“Yeah.”
Jerry sat in the back corner. He had his books on a desk next to him, but I sat in the front row. I knew he never really asked me to sit next to him. Normally it was either his friends or the bitch, who had every class with him.
I felt someone touch my shoulder. I turned. It was Jerry.
“Hey whata ya doin?” he asked his lips so close to mine.
Wow what is wrong with me? “What do you mean?”
“Well I had a seat saved for ya.”
He smelled so good. That new McGraw fragrance I bought him.
“Oh thought it was for her.”
“No she’s not here,” he smiled. “You comin?”
I got up and followed him to the back. He sat with a huff, and I with as little sound as possible.
“So,” Jerry sighed.
“So?”
“Um. What would you say if I asked you to the prom?”
My jaw dropped.
“Manda?”
Silence.
“Hey,” he snapped.
“Oh, uh. I would have to say, um. Hell yeah!”
Everybody looked back at me. I blushed.
Jerry started to chuckle, “Well that’s awesome.” He kept laughing.
Channel One clicked off and Mr. Ryder started class. For the first time in my life I had no clue as to what to do. I did my work not knowing anything I wrote. I’d have to check it when I get home. My mind was off in La La Land when the bell rang and I woke up.
“Well I’ll see ya later. Maybe at lunch,” said Jerry.
“Bye,” and I grabbed my things and went back to my locker.
Luckily we had ten minutes of passing time so it didn’t really matter how much time I took.
“So,” I heard the cheery voice of the one and only, Becca.
I smiled and turned, “You’ll never guess what Jerry asked me.”
“Oh my god he did it,” said Becca smiling from ear to ear.
“Yes. He asked me to go to the prom.”
Becca’s smile faded, “What. He didn’t ask you out?”
“What? Isn’t that the same?”
“No I mean he didn’t ask to be your boyfriend?”
I stared at her, “What are you talking about?”
“He told me he was going to ask you out. He was gonna break up with Evelynn.” Becca shook her head. “I don’t believe this. The ass lied.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” But I think I already knew. He never said if ‘I would go with him,’ it was ‘what would you say.’
“He’s gonna use you as a rebound. After he breaks up with her. I actually thought he really liked you.”
The bell rang.
“Come on get your stuff.”
I grabbed my history book and walked with Becca to class. Luckily we had the same classes for the rest of the day.
The halls were emptying. When me and Becca were close to class we saw him. Becca’s smiling face faded, and was replaced with a scowl. Jerry saw and his face also turned into a scowl. Me on the other hand just stood surprised.
“What the hell Jerry? I thought we were friends.” yelled Becca.
“What’d did you say to her Becca?” said Jerry more calmly.
“I told her about what you had told me,” said Becca. “I told her that you said you were gonna ask her out. That you were gonna break up with Evelynn. But instead you ask her to the prom which is like fifty months away, and- and you’re using her as a rebound.” Becca stopped her shouting at the last sentence. Her eyes widened.
“Yeah I asked her to the prom,” said Jerry, “to figure out if she really liked me. Goddamnit Becca. You just fuckin ruined it. I knew that if she wanted to go to the prom then she obviously really liked me. I wouldn’t have to feel like an idiot if she really didn’t like me when I asked.”
I was astonished. He really did like me. Me and Becca just jumped to conclusions, we really didn’t think about it.
There was silence. No one was in the halls. I guess the bell had already rang during all the yelling.
Becca was the first to speak, “Jerry I’m so sorry.”
“No don’t okay,” said Jerry holding his hand up.
I tried to walk to him, we had really hurt him.
He put his hand up again. I stopped.
“Just give me some space,” and he walked away.
I had never seen him like this since I’d known him. He was always happy and smiling. Kind of like Ellen Degenerus.
But now.
His eyes were full of sadness. He was hurt and I had caused it.
“Manda,” said Becca getting in front of me. I looked her straight in the eyes. “I can’t tell you how sorry I am. I honestly didn’t know. I thought he was just screwin around.”
Her eyes held no lies, “I know. It was practically my fault also.”
“No. No, no it wasn’t. I was the one who brought it up. Saying he was rebounding you. No it is my fault. Don’t blame yourself.”
“Let’s just get to class before we we‘re any more late.” I walked passed her and she followed.
We didn’t speak for the rest of the day. I mean we spoke, but it wasn’t that long happy talk. It was “What’d you get for number two?”, or “You gonna finish that?” I knew she felt really bad about what happened. So I was gonna go over to her house after my appointment. Talk it out and convince her to stop worrying about it. I could talk to Jerry. After all we lived a block from each other.
I didn’t see Jerry at all. I guess he went home early. I knew I had hurt him.
Ten minutes before 6th Period was supposed to end I got called to be signed out. I put all my stuff in my hands while Mrs. Gerdon told me to watch a movie for a report. Everyone groaned because they knew they would have to do the same. When I got to my locker I put all my homework in my bag and closed the door. As I walked down the empty hallway I could hear someone crying in the women’s restroom. I heard her scream, “That asshole broke up with me! I mean after me sleeping with him and doin all that stuff! Jerry broke up with me! Oh my god! Oooohhhhh-”
I kept on walking smiling to myself.
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paigemc reviewed Version 1 -
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FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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Not a hint of witch in this chapter, but that’s alright. This chapter kind of made me dislike Jerry, he kind of used Evelyn…dog. You didnt really paint her as a villain that much yet..so I felt sorry for her. I like that there isnt a sibling rivalry between her and her bro..thats getting old. And that you didnt draw out the budding romance between her and Jerry. Overall I like this as a young adult story so far…..I’ll read more.
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oneshot92 reviewed Version 1 -
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JHarvey reviewed Version 1 -
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Overall, I think this is good. I could see this story appealing to the teen market. I really like that this is written in first person and that this is a “diary” of sorts. It lets the reader identify more closely with Manda.
I haven’t read the first chapter yet, but I’m assuming that Manda is a witch. I think I might try to weave that into the story some more. Right now, we get to see Manda going to school, watch her relationship with Jerry develop, and experience her everyday life. What about being a witch makes her different than the thousands of normal teenagers at her school? She gets to look at the world through a unique set of eyes and we want to see that.
While this was a fun read, I didn’t really get a sense of mystery from this. What is the mystery driving this story? You’ll want to make sure you present it to the reader early on so you can hook them and keep them turning the pages to find out how it’s solved.
So that meant a job witnessing.
What is witnessing? Maybe it was explained in the first chapter…
There were a lot of fragmented sentences and missing commas. I won’t go into too much depth on that here, since you requested reviewers not to. Here’s a good example:
I woke up at six in the morning. Sadly it was snowing. I got up out of bed and went to the shower. The warm water felt good on my cold limbs. I guess I was in there for like thirty minutes. Because the water got cold, so I turned it off.
I woke up at six in the morning. Sadly it was snowing.
Sadly, it was snowing.
Because the water got cold, so I turned it off. [Try to avoid starting sentences with because.]
Also, the short sentences make this feel a bit disjointed. It’s best to save short sentences for action scenes in which you want to drive the scene forward and keep the pace rapid and tense without using a lot of description. I would see if I there’s a way to combine these sentences and make them flow a bit better. If you want me to go into more detail on the grammar, just let me know and I’ll be happy to.
Overall, good job and I look forward to reading more as this story develops.
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