Short Story / Keys (Analysis)
I couldn't help but laugh as Ruth Anne's keys jingled in my pocket as I walked down the narrow aisle to my seat. Sliding over to the window opposite where her car was parked, I shoved my bag halfway under the seat, trapping it between my feet. I leaned against the window, which was cool on my forehead despite the heat hanging in the dry New Mexico air. My last look at Tatum—for a moment I wished I could keep the place and just leave the people behind. Too much to ask, I suppose.
As the bus pulled away from the station, I caught a glimpse of Ruth Anne—standing next to the car with every door open, her purse likely dumped onto the passenger seat in search of the keys that were poking me in the thigh right that moment. Seething, probably screaming—though I couldn't hear her—she faded from sight quickly (which isn't easy for a woman her size). I almost felt bad that Daddy would have to pay to have a new key made—not to mention dealing with Ruth Anne's rage—but I figured he deserved to suffer just as she did. I would not be banished from my home, my friends, and my school without paying them back. Who in their right mind would send their daughter away just before her senior year anyway? It never really made sense...but then, Ruth Anne didn't seem to care if things made sense—as long as she got her way.
She could've kept her stupid keys if she would've let me take any of my clothes and things—but she didn't. I guess her porky little daughters could have worn my new clothes...though they would've had to shorten all the pants and skirts to fit their stumpy legs. Just thinking about it made me wish I'd had time to let the air out of her tires too.
It was hard to believe I was leaving—just the night before I'd gone out with my boyfriend, Terry. Now, without warning (or even a moment to call and let him or anyone else know I was being forced to leave) and now I was on a bus headed for Oklahoma.
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A good vignette of a petty, but satisfying, act of revenge.
You leave a lot to our imagination, and mainly that works for me. (I’ll list where it doesn’t.)
The structure of some of your sentences could do with improvement, but the tone etc works very well.
In the first sentence, duplication is usually clumsy, and especially so with a word like ‘as’ – it’s almost recursive. So “I couldn’t help but laugh as…while I walked…”
“Sliding over…was parked,” again, clumsy – > “Sliding over to the window, facing away from where her car was parked,”
“I leaned against the window, which was cool” This is too passive. “I leaned against the window, feeling it cool against my forehead” involves the reader far more.
Again, this sentence is both clumsy and contradictory.
“As the bus pulled away…right that moment.”
Contradiction, you sat by the window facing away from her, how did you see her. You were looking back through the bus rear window? Explain this.
Clumsy, so -> “As the bus pulled away from the station, I looked back and caught a glimpse of Ruth Anne. She was standing next to the car with every door open, her purse likely dumped onto the passenger seat in search of her keys. I smiled as I felt them poking me in the thigh.” (Tells the facts, makes us involved).
“(which isn’t easy for a woman her size)” Excellent, description and comment combined!
THis sentence “Who in their right mind..as long as she got her way.” almost works, lmaking us sort out the relationships, but give us one more clue. “and daddy always did as she demanded” or similar.
“Now, without warning..and now..for Oklahoma.” Duplication again, and a clumsy sentence. ->”Now, with neither warning nor even a moment to call, I was unable to let him or anyone else know I was being forced to leave. Instead, I am on a bus headed for Oklahoma.”
And give us a killer last line. e.g. “Still, I felt the keys in my pocket and had to smile”.
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I like the story and I can feel the narrator’s angst the whole way through. Good job conveying emotion. The part you tell the reader it wasn’t easy for your step-mom due to her size made me laugh. The last sentence could be reordered so that you don’t need to use parenthesis.
“poking me in the thigh right that moment”- get rid -right that moment- the reader recognizes that it is happening currently.
This definitely leaves me with a bunch of questions. Seeing as this is the first draft the obvious question is ‘what happened between the step mom and the main character?’ That will be answered later obviously so off to everything else. I want to see the main character some more, just have an idea of how she looks or some details of what she’s taking with her. If she can’t take her clothes that what does she have with her at the moment? Honestly, it’s hard for me to ask for information when the story itself isn’t finished. Besides that work on it and let me know where this goes. It’s interesting but needs to be finished.
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