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Poetry / Faerie Dreams

Deep, the raging river runs,
Shining silver 'neath glorious suns,
With wild strength, the waters' flow
Changes the face of the earth we know.

So does your love flow through me,
Wreaking change for all to see.

The eyes, once dimmed by cloudy care,
Now find their shine in the red of your hair.
A heart that once lay bleeding, broken
Now beats strong with your love's token.

My ardor to wild to hold on to,
Wings it's way from me to you.
Finding there the soil it needs
To grow to oak, from tiny seed.

Now blessed be this lovely night,
And all to follow, with you in sight.
Hold me eternal, as I hold you-
A vision of joy
Pure and True.

-Dedicated to Lidiya Sabadash, my Great Love, and inspiration.

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Reviews

January 06, 2009

Butterat_Zool

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
90	96.7% (30 votes)	23.9%

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Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
26	M	United States	May 19

Butterat_Zool reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

I generally hate love poems on the mere fact that they can so easily deviate from artistic to sentimental. For you though, this poem shines more strongly as a kind tribute rather than dwelling on the mushy side of things. That being said, I think that even a poem of this caliber has only earned you the right to use the word “love” one time, and I think that line 5 is the best use in this piece. Lines 9 and 10 are the only spot where this poem becomes bad. Don’t tell me about your bleeding heart. Tell me about how her confidence in you inspired you to make yourself a better person, tell me some special detail of your first date, or wedding. Really, just never use the term bleeding heart, especially not when it’s followed by describing how “love’s token” mended it like some kind of steroid. Finally, the word “lovely” in line 15 just seems lazy. There are a bunch of other words that would fit just as well there without abusing the most beaten word in our language. Hence, this poem has earned the word “love” one time, and that should be in line 5.

Good on ya! Nice writing. Don’t really understand the title, but I’m willing to accept that as some kind of inside joke. See you around!

Butterat Zool.

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December 31, 2008

raiher

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
13	88.9% (18 votes)	15.7%

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Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
21	M	Bronx, NY	February 16

raiher reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

I feel that sometimes the meter is off, like one line has one extra or one missing count for the syllable. Nothing that takes away from the beauty of the poem, but that kinda sticks out in the subconscious mind.

Also, I think you would benefit from playing with the structure a little. Instead of AABB, maybe ABAB or any other variation you can think of.

That being said, I still enjoyed the poem a lot.

“To grow to oak, from tiny seed.”

This was my favorite line from this work. In one sentence you captured and conveyed life. Growth, from seed to oak as a matter of fact, and I thought it was both very fitting and very powerful.