The rapture of drowning softly into butter-cream icing
Is in still glances
Awakening a cider-warm tsunami that rushes over
Every time
Sensitivity arouses in a way that is not quite describable
Spine tingling, Knee weakening
All other signs to search for
That are often not received
Wish for such intimate elation
As the kindness I hold inside for him
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This is beautifully wrought, sensual and tender, and for this reason I would look for a more profound or sensual title than “He Is” which doesn’t do it justice. For who ever he is, he has an enormous impact on the narrator which he may not even know about, this high esteem and love that is bestowed on him. This is truly lovely. I might look at different line breaks to strengthen the poem. There are several options and I would play with them and think of enjambment maybe. I was truly touched.
Well this was a pretty-sounding poem, for what it’s worth. You use very poignant phrasing when in the lines “The rapture of drowning softly into butter-cream icing” and in “Awakening a cider-warm tsunami that rushes over.” Personally, however, the mood you set is one of a cookie-baking kitchen…so it was slightly awkward transitioning into this deep emotional relationship description. I’d work on the second line—develop it a little more, expand on ‘still glances’ so we don’t forget by the cider-warm tsunami. Maybe if I read ‘He Was’ I’d get a better understanding…hope this helps!
One more thing I’d suggest changing in the second line is begining with the word ‘is’. It sounds a bit backwards and misplaced in context.
Well, I really tried to understand this piece. I really did. There were some parts that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.
“The rapture of drowning softly
into butter-cream icing
Is in still glances
Awakening a cider-warm tsunami”
That was my favorite line, and the most confusing one. I don’t get it. Why is it a rapture? I liked the part about the tsunami being cider-warm, that was a good metaphor.
“Sensitivity arouses in a way
that is not quite describable
Spine tingling, knee weakening
All other signs to search for
That are often not received
Wish for such intimate elation
As the kindness I hold inside for him”
Are you talking about sex here?
If you are you hit the nail on the head. If not…then someone might get the wrong idea.
All that aside. I really liked your piece. With a few touch-ups, it should be great.
Hi there,
I love the depth of emotion in this fine piece. I have only one complaint. It is too short; you obviously possess a unique ability to convey such sensual emotion here. I would just like to see more of it. The line “Spine tingling, Knee weakening” says it all. That encompasses the entire poem. Your clever usage of metaphors gives it just the right amount of mystery and colour. So very well done. Post more or else! me…
At first, I didn’t like your title, if only because it seems so banal and overly simple. The more I read the poem, the less I cared though. The opening line swirls the reader right into the icing. I like the sensuality created by your hyphens too, “butter-cream” and “cider-war.” Both slow the line beats and heighten the poem’s savory components so to speak. By line five I feel that you’ve described something very well, so your final phrase there seems out of line with the poems success. You have, after all, “described” the arousal on a lot of levels. Lines seven and eight are wordy and contain no strong images for your readers to hold on to. Those seem the weakest and certainly read the most clumsily. But your final two lines close the poem well, very well, strong enough to communicate a sort of ineffable affection and sexuality. I like the effect enough to wish for a little more, in fact.
First of all, fix the spaces. It’s hard to read a poem that’s randomly divided into stanzas without any meaning.
Secondly, I think that the poem didn’t quite flow. There isn’t an obvious rhythm.
Example:
“The rapture of drowning softly
into butter-cream icing
Is in still glances
Awakening a cider-warm tsunami
that rushes over
Every time
Sensitivity arouses in a way”
This part could have just as well been categorised as prose, if not for the short lines – but are short lines what defines poetry? I think not.
Overall, I think it’s fine, but it needs retouching.
beautiful! i’m glad you shortened those long sentences. i think it flows so much better now, & (with the exception of the spaces which always end up happening, dam computers) it is more visually pleasing. & i still love the amazing imagery drowning in icing & a cidar tsunami, wonderful & intriguing choice of words. the only thing i would suggest is possibly adding more to L6, expanding it a bit since it is shorter than all the other lines. but other than that, that’s all i have to offer. i still love the poem.
i really love the imagery in this poem. “drowning softly in butter-cream icing” who wouldn’t want to do it. I really have no critiques for the content of the poem, i think its wonderfully written. only one minor thing in L6, “Knee” not sure why that’s capitalized. Other than the the words are beautiful. the first part though, the layout is confusing. I think you could trim it up at the beginning, by making those 1st 5 lines shorter.
EX: “The rapture of drowning softly
Melting into butter-cream icing
Is in still glances (maybe even add more to this line)
Awakening a cider-warm tsunami
Rushes over me every time”
or something like that. It’s more pleasing to the eye & less distracting, & blends in well with the last 5 lines of the poem which are short and almost all the same length. I love that it’s very simple & short, but it makes a powerful impact with the imagery.
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