thanks for the review it helps a lot.
nathan
Sci Fi & Fantasy / The Diary Of A Witch
Chapter One
The Red/Green Light
It’s not like I planed it. I mean it wasn’t my fault.”
“What do you mean ‘It wasn’t your fault’?” said Rob.
“He ran into me,” I said pointing at the man talking to a police officer.
Rob, my older brother, looked at the man also and shook his head. “It wasn’t his fault Manda. It was his light.”
Well this is how it began. I just got my permit and Rob said he would take for a drive. So I put the stupid car in reverse and backed out of our driveway. We lived in a little town called Salem, Massachusetts. Okay it wasn’t exactly Salem; we lived closer to Beverly, but we still did everything in Salem. We lived in a little subdivision called Cedar Woods. I lived with my mom, Alice, and my brother. My father left us for some other family in Indianapolis. That’s why we moved out here, closer to my grandparents.
Well enough of that sob story. Where was I?
Oh yes.
I drove along Essex Street, and was headed for Al’s Gas. Well I stopped at the light. I waited, and I thought the light turned green and drove. Then wame. That douche bag-Porch- dude hit me.
I screamed.
Then I opened my eyes and looked to Rob. His eyes were full of furry.
Shit.
I looked out the window and saw two cops racing for us. I guess there was no time to run. Ha. One cop came and opened the door and helped me out. Rob opened his door and walked around.
He closed his eyes. “Oh goddamnit Manda! Did you not notice the red light!”
“It wasn’t my fault.” I whispered.
“What!”
“It’s not like I planed it. I mean it wasn’t my fault.”
“What do you mean ‘It wasn’t your fault’?” said Rob.
“He ran into me,” I said pointing at the man talking to a police officer.
“Yeah he ran into you, but it was his light.” He walked to his car and pointed, “Look at this. How much do you think it will cost me to fix this?”
“Mom will help.”
“No Manda. You’re gonna help. Mom didn’t do this.”
“What!” I yelled, “Gosh. You’re such an ass. It. Was. An. Accident.”
“Yeah it was an accident, but you’re still helping me fix this.” Rob looked at the man and said, “I’m gonna go talk to him. He might be a little forgiving. You stay here.”
“I hate you.”
Rob looked at me, his eyes soft, “I know you don’t mean that.” Then he turned his back and walked away.
No I didn’t mean it. After all he was always there for me. To protect me. Rob wasn’t that brother who was a butt hole. Who would always pull my pig tails, put gum in my hair, trip. No he wasn’t. He held me when our father left. He beat up the boyfriend who cheated on me. He took me to get a license. Rob was the best brother anyone has ever had, or could have.
I went and sat on the curve. I looked at the bruise forming on my shoulder. I wish I didn’t bruise so easily. I looked up into the clear sky. Blue as ever. It never was like this on a November afternoon. Always dark and cold. It was in the 70s. I wore a miniskirt with a white tank top.
“You should get that looked at,” said Rob. His blonde hair was even lighter in the sunlight.
“No,” I said lying. “I can’t even fill anything. It just looks like it hurts.”
“You’re such a bad liar. We’ll have mom look at it.”
I groaned. “Oh. Mom.”
“Yeah we still have to tell her.” laughed Rob. “Come on we gotta go.”
“Wow. Did you get everything cleared up?” I asked amazed.
“No he gave me his number, and I mine. We’re gonna call each other tomorrow.”
“How’d you do it?”
“I didn’t do anything,” Rob said smiling, “he understands. It’s happened to him a lot.”
Rob helped me to my feet and opened the passenger door for me.
We drove to Al’s and filled her up. We talked about what we would say to mom. So far the best thing we could tell her was the truth. Oh the truth. This really sucks.
She got home at seven, and brought with her some Sonic. Well this should be easy.
“Oh I had the worst day,” said Alice.
Never mind.
“What happened?” asked Rob.
“Hold on let me go change.”
“K,” we said together.
Mom walked upstairs to her room.
“Oh this is bad, bad, and even badder.” I said.
“Don’t worry let me ask the questions, and you just sit there and agree with what I say.”
“Right.”
Alice came back down with her usual black checkered pajama pants, and white t-shirt. Her blonde hair in a bun.
“Ok listen,” she said passing out the burgers. “Su Ellen, you know her?”
We shook our heads. It was her old RN, who didn’t know anything.
“Well she comes into my office demanding a raise and a bonus. Yeah she did. So I say I can’t grant her that. I mean she’s already had a raise two months ago. Then she says,” taking a bite out of her burger, “Well if you don’t give it to me then I’ll talk to Renee. I look at her and say you can’t go over my head and neither can she. Then she goes oh really.
“I’m already tiered of her, and I’ve had a patient die and was trying to fill out papers for her. I say ok listen bitch I’m tiered of all the shit you’re giving me. Now if you don’t get the fuck out of my office you’re fuckin fired.”
We all laughed.
“Then she just looked at me and said sorry and walked out.”
“Wait,” said Rob, “How is that bad?”
“Well she went up to Renee, and I might get fired.”
“Oh,” said Rob.
Silence.
“Okay enough of that how was you’re guys day?” said Alice.
I looked at Rob and he said, “Well I took Manda out for a drive, or she drove me.”
“Oh really.” said Alice smiling. “How was it?”
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slbynum3 reviewed Version 1 -
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This story seems to be shaping up nicely, minus the many errors I found.
“It’s not like I planed it” planed is missing another N to make ‘planned’
“Well this is how it began. I just got my permit and Rob said he would take for a drive” the first sentence here is in present tense. You should make it past tense. Be careful about switching tenses throughout the story, because I used to do that too and I know how easy it is to mess up. The second sentence here should read ‘I had just got my permit, and Rob had said he would take me for a drive.’
“Then wame.” Wame means ‘abdomen or belly’. you should make this WAM! for more effect.
“His eyes were full of furry.” furry should be fury.
“He took me to get a license.” I thought she said she had just gotten her permit?
“Her blonde hair in a bun.” the word was should come between hair and in.
“I’m already tiered of her, and I’ve had a patient die and was trying to fill out papers for her. I say ok listen bitch I’m tiered” you spelled tired as tiered twice here.
I like the way you set up the characters. A little more detail might be nice. But overall not bad. You have the potential to write a great story.
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4everYours reviewed Version 1 -
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• Who would always … – you shouldn’t start this sentence with “who”, it needs to continue on with the last one.
• It was in the 70s. – no one would say that. At the most they would say “it were the 70s”, but most probably it wouldn’t be mentioned. So, think about leaving it out. It brings out you, the narrator, too much, and distracts from your character.
• I wore a
• miniskirt with a white tank top. – this is in first person, so basically your character is thinking about what she’s wearing during a car accident. Not likely.
• “I can’t even fill anything. – FEEL
• Where did the cops suddenly go? – your characters have had no interaction with them, they just leave after getting a number. That’s not the way it goes I’m afraid, the police are involved.
• “Oh I had the worst day,” said Alice.
…..
“Oh this is bad, bad, and even badder.” I said. – this section needs a lot more action described. You’ve just introduced the mother, so here’s your chance for some character development. Instead, all we see is some dialogue and nothing else . You need to introduce her properly. What does she look like, sound like, move like? What does the room look like? How are the characters interacting with their surroundings? You need to set the scene here and make the characters more in depth.
• We shook our heads. It was her old RN, – shaking heads means “no” – what you mean is “nodded our heads”
• Then she says,” taking a bite out of her burger, – SHE TOOK a bit out of her burger
• Then she goes oh really.
“I’m already tiered of her, and …ok listen bitch I’m tiered of all the shit … fuck out of my office you’re fuckin fired.”
- You spelled tired wrong twice. And why does the dialogue suddenly end and begin in the next paragraph? You should only do that in some cases, where there is a lot of dialogue and another theme is started – which is not the case here.
- More importantly, though, this does not sound like a mother talking. Mother’s don’t say ”then she goes o really”. Mothers don’t swear so much around their kids. This character seems like a teen. Make her sound like a mother.
- It sounds really unlikely that someone would say all this to their RN just because she asked for a raise! She was called a bitch – the mother is a psycho character? She’s not likeable. And she’s not believable. You need to write within bounds of reason.
- Would she really be referring to her mother as Alice?
• how was you’re guys day?” – huh? You mean “how was your day, guys?”
oknapp reviewed Version 1 -
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His eyes were full of furry. You mean eyes full of fury.
It. Was. An. Accident.” It-was-an-accident, I said. Written like this puts emphasis on how you say it.
Nathan, if Manda wrecked on a permit then she would get a ticket at least. You might want to add this, ok.
Oh I had the worst day,” said Alice. Is Alice the mom? You might say. I could tell by looking at my mother that she had not had a good day. There was a puffy tiredness about her eyes… You must introduce the readers to Alice. Give us some detail about how she looks and then let her speak.
You might take out a little of the cursing from the mom. She is a nurse and i don’t know that this would play well with the reader. You can make her interesting by doing something like this.
Our mother was a nurse. She worked long hours and sometimes dealt with difficult people. I was hoping against hope that her day had gone smoothly but judging by the strain in her face i could tell it had not been a good one. Dinner was takeout hamburgers. As she passed out the burgers…..
Think, a nurse is a professional and rarely do they talk about death to their kids. Its too depressing, ok.
Nathan you are talented for sixteen and i know you can make something good out of this. When you write i want you to visualize each character. You might sit down and name all the things a nurse has to do and write about it. I like your dialog and descriptions. I have read your stuff before and you show excellent promise. i am here to help. All you need to do is email me. Thanks for asking me to look at your work. Your friend Sandi.
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