Thank you. Very good review. Definitely a work in progress. It is a song slowyly being chipped away and rebuilt into poetry. Learning to write poems recently.
Poetry / Lazarus' Prison
Blowing – Sucking – Wind – Playing – Trains – Outside – Of My Crib – Window Blows Out – Shards Rain Down – Caught By Drapes Falling Down – Should Have Cut My Throat
But – No – You – Choose – to – Let Me Live
You Think – That – I’d Be Glad
You’d Think – I – Would Not Be Mad
But Can’t – You – See
That – All I Am – Is Sad
The Way – I Hang – My Head
Wishing That – I Was Dead
All I See – Is Painted – Black and Red
Bringing Up – The Dead – Every Time – I Rise – From My Bed
Black Bells Ringing – In My Head – With Every Step - I Tread
Do – My Best –To Live – But Back – In The Dark – Is Where I Am Led
Tied Up in Knots – Thrown Overboard – What Were We Thinking – Kids Playing Around – Sunk Like a Stone – Unable to Break Free – Somehow – Wiggled Out – Should Have Drowned
But – No – You – Choose to Let Me Live
You Think – That – I’d Be Glad
You’d Think – I – Would Not Be Mad
But Can’t – You – See
That – All I Am – Is Sad
The Way – I Hang – My Head
Wishing That – I Was Dead
All I See – Is Painted – Black and Red
Bringing Up – The Dead – Every Time – I Rise – From My Bed
Black Bells Ringing – In My Head – With Every Step - I Tread
Do – My Best –To Live – But Back – In The Dark – Is Where I Am Led
Dragged Inside – Metal Lips – Almost – Stretched – Out – All My Breath – All Alone – Middle of Nowhere – Nobody Was Around – Around – But I Was Found – Should Have Failed My Lungs
But – No – You – Choose – to – Let Me Live
You Think – That – I’d Be Glad
You’d Think – I – Would Not Be Mad
But Can’t – You – See
That – All I Am – Is Sad
The Way – I Hang – My Head
Wishing That – I Was Dead
All I See – Is Painted – Black and Red
Bringing Up – The Dead – Every Time – I Rise – From My Bed
Black Bells Ringing – In My Head – With Every Step - I Tread
Do – My Best –To Live – But Back – In The Dark – Is Where I Am Led
Fell Asleep – Intoxicated – Back of A Car – Bounced Off – A Mountain – Then It Flew – Crushed Me – Broke Everything – in Half – Doctors Say – I Should – Have Died
But – No – You – Choose – to – Let Me Live
You Think – That – I’d Be Glad
You’d Think – I – Would Not Be Mad
But Can’t – You – See
That – All I Am – Is Sad
The Way – I Hang – My Head
Wishing That – I Was Dead
All I See – Is Painted – Black and Red
Run – Jumped – and Slipped – Head Dragged – Down the Wall – Should Have Cracked My Skull
But – No – You – Choose – to – Let Me Live
You Think – That – I’d Be Glad
You’d Think – I – Would Not Be Mad
But Can’t – You – See
That – All I Am – Is Sad
The Way – I Hang – My Head
Wishing That – I Was Dead
All I See – Is Painted – Black and Red
Bringing Up – The Dead – Every Time – I Rise – From My Bed
Black Bells Ringing – In My Head – With Every Step - I Tread
Do – My Best –To Live – But Back – In The Dark – Is Where I Am Led
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youngjed reviewed Version 1 -
Read 67% of the Item
I don’t think this has the necesssary rhythm for a song. I can’t picture how it would fit to music (may be my lack of imagination of course).
The short hyphenated lines within lines make it very hard to read and after a while it just gets irritating because of that I am afraid.
The images used lack externailty. Something to tell us why you feel like you do. Some real details of the physical world to tie us into your story.
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brehm48 reviewed Version 1 -
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I like this piece. I had to read over it a couple of times to feel the intensity of it. I think that it has the rhythm of a song. The dashes work fine for the flow. You paint a great picture of depression and draw the reader into your feelings. The chorus is catchy. It reminds me of a Nirvana song. Great!
ParticoRomulus reviewed Version 1 -
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Honestly, this is very hard to read because of 1) formatting and 2) forced rhyme. Regarding the latter, letting rhyme dictate structure and meaning is a sure way to limit both. As poetry it suffers as well from weak imagery and complete reliance on cliche. You can get away with more of that sort of thing in song lyrics or rap. It might be best to pursue that course with your revisions.
Even there, your strongest images are unclear at best. This is mostly tell and little show. Everything you see is red and black? Really? The Stones wrote Paint it Black, but there the image is one of actually obscuring reality, of painting. ”Broke everything in half?” Not literally of course… so what does it really mean? You’re just telling me you were badly hurt. Some of your lines make no sense. ”You’d think I would not be mad…” suggests you ARE mad, then ”...but all I am is sad…” in other words, you’re only sad, not mad?
I think it does communicate where you’ve been, what you’ve gone through, basically. You’ve survived many experiences that should have killed you. The metaphor of Lazarus doesn’t quite work with that if you really consider it carefully. You might want to check out Pete Townshend’s “Somebody Saved Me” for an identical theme explored with strong imagery.
s_fod reviewed Version 1 -
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okay so, the format annoyed the hell out of me, but that has little to do with the song.
also, keep it fresh. often then not i found myself skipping several lines because i read them before. it’s very good idea and storyline. as you said it may be a song, so the repeated paragraphs could work but as i poem i would drop the repeats and possibly create extra phrases and lines or structure it different.
LouieRiggs reviewed Version 1 -
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First of all, I think that repeating “The Way – I Hang – My Head / Wishing That – I Was Dead / All I See – Is Painted – Black and Red” is pretty much unneeded.
Overall, I think it’s rather “hard” to read. Not because the language is complex, but because the feeling the poem gives the reader (suffocating, no time to use long sentences, heavily panting, etc.) is only effective for a short time. After a while, it slightly loses its point.
This probably sounds ignorant, but I think it would be better if it was shorter. That way, the feeling I descirbed above would make more sense – otherwise it’s like reading a romantic novel in a telegram, if you know what I mean.
Spriglief reviewed Version 1 -
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Your rhyming structure holds it together, but that is all it does. The simple three and four letter words used through out the poem is infantile and leaves your poem without texture. This long poem could be summed up in one sentence; I wish I had died in my car accident, God.
To answer your question, it is more like a song. The repeating repetition of this write would only work with musical accompaniment.
This poem needs character development, a larger vocabulary, and something that allows the reader to identify with the characters. The structure is unusual and might actually work if other changes are made.
la_la_landian reviewed Version 1 -
Read 33% of the Item
hmmm. I’m not entirely sure what to say. I absolutely love the thought-fragment nature of it. I’m afraid your use of rhyme leaves me wanting. They seem simplistic and cliche, as if the poem was written simply to rhyme. I like the concept, and I encourage you to perhaps develop it more. But ditch the rhyme, it feels like it’s taking the place of something much more grand.
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