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I can use only a hundred words. It’s a drabble.
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Flash Fiction / Blue Jesus (A Drabble)
I hear a mechanical thrumming as he floats, arms extended, mocking Jesus on the Cross. Captivated – I forget my mission. What is he doing?
I hear screams. Looking past the suspended, blue creature, I see my comrades writhing in pain, an electrical storm dancing around them.
What am I doing!? I aim and fire, the alien collapsing to the ground.
My fellow soldiers slowly recover, while the storm dissipates.
I inspect the alien corpse for the tell-tale talisman. Useless to humans, I smash it on the ground.
How many of these “wizards” still exist?
It’s my job to find out.
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wltshr reviewed Version 3 -
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A weird and wonderful piece.
Difficult to review on it’s own, although it certainly has all the elements of a completed work. I’ll be looking for longer pieces from you.
Cheers
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cimak reviewed Version 3 -
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i like the story
yet i like when drabbles able to end this i think could go on to something longer. It could be an excellant short story or something longer yet kind of weak as a drabble.
after a second reading i really wish this was a short story
Potatopirate reviewed Version 3 -
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It is not very clear what you are writing about, although I understand it is sci-fi.
However, it is consistent in it’s grammar.
It is the very bare bones of a plot though. I think it would improve greatly if you put much more description in.
mckinleycooper reviewed Version 3 -
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So very interesting and original. Wow. This is bait—this feels like the beginning of a fantastic novel.
“I inspect the alien corpse for the tell-tale talisman. Useless to humans, I smash it on the ground.” This line suggests the egocentric human—what if this could be the cure for anything, everything that ails us?
This has so many possibilities to go on and on. The imagery was spot-on.
Well written!
McKinley
LouieRiggs reviewed Version 3 -
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I liked it a lot. It’s written beautifully.
Although, I think that “It’s my job to find out” it not really needed. Maybe you should replace it with something that gives a less “final” feeling.
Harold_P reviewed Version 3 -
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Like the Blue Jesus. Lovin’ that Blue Jesus.
At first I thought the “he” in the first two sentences seemed to disappear in the subsequent three, then I realised “the alien” was this elusive “he” of which you spoke. I think writing “shooting the alien” would make it much clearer that the “he” was this alien thingy.
“Wizards” I assume refers to the alien and thus makes the tenuous link to the Alien Magic theme? I think it is kind of inserted in there, but I like the blasphemy at play in this.
The last line is great, it could be the opening to a longer Blue Jesus epic. The adventures of Blue Jesus, with his sidekick Purple Allah and arch nemesis Yellow Yahwah.
Rambling. Loved your freaking drabble.
-H
ayeacka2u reviewed Version 3 -
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Very exciting and engaging and it leaves me wanting to read more. Keep up the good work.
Blue_Eyes reviewed Version 2 -
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I hear a mechanical thrumming as he floats, arms extended, mocking Jesus on the Cross. Captivated – I forget my mission. What is he doing?
I hear screams. Looking past the suspended, blue creature, I see my comrades writhing in pain, an electrical storm dancing around them.
What am I doing!? I aim and fire, the alien collapsing to the ground.
My fellow soldiers slowly recover, while the storm dissipates.
I inspect the alien corpse for the tell-tale talisman. Useless to humans, I smash it on the ground.
How many of these “wizards” still exist?
Tense issues: you use both past and present tense. I suggest present throughout.
‘mechanical thrumming’ +2
Describe what Jesus looks like on the Cross. Describe the alien earlier in the story.
Let us know that the MC is one of the soldiers, and that they are his friends.
Change ‘wind’ to storm. It is more plausible.
Let us know the significance of the talisman.
I like the ending. It leaves us wondering…
The above version of your story only buys you five extra words, but it does remove redundant areas of the text, combining sentences to provide better structure.
Thank you for allowing me to read and review your work. :)
DC_Karma reviewed Version 2 -
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L1: He made a mechanical thrumming sound. (+2)
L1: 3rd sentence…tense shift he’s = he is, so you will need to make that ‘He was’ (-1)
L1: mission sounds a little awkward? Duty? ‘Captivated (mesmerized?), my priorities were forgotten? (+ – 0)
L2: I watched from behind him. (watching from his rear sounds like you are in his ass)(+1)
L2: 2nd & 3rd sentences…tense shifts.
L2: The soldiers approaching the spaceships writhed in pain… (+2)
L3: you can use one of these extra words to give the electrical wind a color, so we will understand why he can see wind. Also: writhed in pain; a (purple) wind shot electricity at them. (??)
L4: He wouldn’t think ‘was’, he would think what ‘am’ I doing.
L4: prefer ‘began to recover’ to ‘started’ it sounds better, IMO. OR began recovering (+1)
L5: ‘the soldiers recovered’. I would recommend keeping this one and completely dropping ‘The soldiers started to recover’, it’s redundant. (+5) Plus soldiers is repetitive, this is too short for much repetition, so maybe, ‘the men recovered.’
L5: ‘inspected’ sticks out and sounds odd/awkward. ‘Relieved?’ Or, ‘I found his talisman and smashed it against the ground’ ‘useless to us humans’ isn’t really needed. (+7)
Love the new ending. But it makes me wonder, and you have the extra space for words to explain now, how many of these has he faced? Was this a first or was this an invasion?
Maybe to enhance the title, you could use a few to do something similar to: ‘He floated, poised like Jesus on the cross’ (-4) or ‘imitating Jesus on the Cross’ (-3). I would also consider replacing imitating with ‘mocking’, this will make it seem more offensive a gesture.
Matthewtuckey reviewed Version 2 -
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“Thrumming, mechanical sound”+2
“dissipated, the soldiers”- run on.
Intriguing, but only a fraction of a story- your question sentences are left unanswered. Crucially, the last one.
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Version 3
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