Poetry / "Ancients"

This is only my opinion, of course, but I think that “And that’s why I love you” is not really needed here.
I’m not sure about “Sad, violent beauty / Penetrates the soul like no other” as well. There’s something slightly banal about the phrase “penetrates the soul”, don’t you think?

• add/view comments (3)

December 24, 2008

by mckinleycooper

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
80	91.1% (56 votes)	45.5%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
31	F	Birmingham, AL	February 16

This is my opinion: It is a moment in time when the sorrowful sound of cellos brought out the pain of a love that was slipping away—they gave sound to the pain within me.
Banal? Maybe that could be more original, perhaps, but sometimes getting exatly what emotion you’re feeling on paper helps to release that pain. Congratulations if all of your words never have a hint of commonness.
I think you’re missing the soul that is laid before you—the humaness that perhaps you might connect to in some way, don’t you think?
McKinley

December 24, 2008

by LouieRiggs

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
69	61.8% (34 votes)	51.1%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
22	M	Israel	July 24

I said “slightly banal”, meaning “not very fresh”.
It wasn’t my intention to insult you in any sort of way, I was just telling you my opinion.

“Congratulations if all of your words never have a hint of commonness” – that has nothing to do with criticism. You don’t have to be talented to be able to judge something.

Now, if all you meant to do was “help relase the pain”, then I suppose you don’t really need any criticism, so I suppose we better just leave it at that.

December 24, 2008

by mckinleycooper

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
80	91.1% (56 votes)	45.5%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
31	F	Birmingham, AL	February 16

The word, “banal”--even when “slightly” is added--means boringly unorginal.If said differently, it would have been less of a barb. But you’re right--you don’t have to be talented to judge something--that was not a judgement of your writing. You know that words carry strong connotations.
Leaving it at that,
McKinley

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

Hi there,

A nice piece. Your comments here were very helpful for I am too dense to connect the word ‘bow’ used here. That said, it is a warm piece once one understands the usage of such a beautiful musical instrument and tying it in with natures ebb and flow of our oceans. I can create my own visuals of someone even sitting on a white sand beach, crystal blue skies, a picturesque woman playing her violin, in-time with mother nature…

When I read it thru a few times I found myself stopping at the last stanza, thinking, I wonder if one could get away with saying “Sad, violin(t) beauty”
I dunno, it just kept sticking in my head. This is another poem to be proud of.

me…

• add/view comments (2)

December 24, 2008

by mckinleycooper

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
80	91.1% (56 votes)	45.5%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
31	F	Birmingham, AL	February 16

Thank you. You’ve given me something to think about. Thanks for your time and your always clever suggestions.

McKinley

December 24, 2008

by jadedpoet

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
353	77.3% (75 votes)	26.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
40	M	Norcross, GA	November 18

the reviews, oh the reviews ;o

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

I really like the second strophe.  What if you killed all but the second strophe and modified it a bit?  Here’s one possibility:

“I am drawn by woeful minor chords
From bows that move in unison
Over the rich bent wood
of ancient forests
Created for our future music.”

I actually added the article “the”, one I often strike, but in this case it allows “of ancient forests” instead of another “from” and perhaps it accents that wood as specific wood.  ”I am drawn” makes it possible to omit the moon and sea… two very overdone subjects in poetry.  They still make for great poetry, but in this short piece they are done no justice in the mentioning.  The use of “drawn” also has the advantage of double entendre, as one can be said to draw a bow across an instrument’s strings.  Some trite expressions at the end I have likewise taken the liberty of culling, making the last line, “our future music” to hang it together.

This part of the poem, its middle, is quite strong.  It can stand alone as I have shown it (or in some similar form,) or it can be expanded on in another direction, perhaps with the idea of “that’s why I love you” in mind, expressed without being stated so directly.  In any case, just my $.02 as usual.  Take them for what they are worth!  :)

• add/view comments (1)

December 21, 2008

by mckinleycooper

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
80	91.1% (56 votes)	45.5%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
31	F	Birmingham, AL	February 16

hey, J,
Thanks for reading. I’m still trying to polish it a bit. I appreciate your insights.

McKinley

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.