Thanks for taking the time to review my poem. Based on the reviews, I see that I need to rethink the poem’s clarity. I’ll need to figure out how to preserve the wistful tone when I rewrite, too. Such quandaries! Thanks again,
Colleen
Poetry / The Abandon Between Us
Pots and pans crash in the kitchen. You are angry.
Or you are noisy. I can’t tell anymore.
Even when I shake the wrinkles from our dungarees,
I am quiet. I am towels.
You stop clanging pots. I finish
folding laundry.
Next week, the dishes neat in the cupboards,
our clothes warm under the sun . . .
We will walk arm in arm through Provincetown.
We will buy art and meaningful jewelry.
We will keep company with the ocean’s crash and retreat,
its fantastic fortissimo and rotten diminish.
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Protagoras reviewed Version 1 -
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Nice title. I’d abbreviate to ‘you’re’ not ‘you are’.
L2 I’d consider simply ‘Or noisy’, then inject semicolon before ‘I can’t tell’. The reason for the abovew abbreviations is that the added formality of untruncated word groupings appears awkward unless you are getting any rhythmical/ syllabic benefit from such longitude.
I do like the conveying of awkwardness in L1 and L2.
I like the remainder of the poem in that some sort of potential conflict is hinted at before that, but it then seems to be nothing more than a flicker of anger in an otherqise tranquil relationship. I like the ambiguity, in other words.
But where I think you could improve slightly is on the final line, which, in stark contrast to the rest of the work, seems forced.
That is, while I liked the inventiveness of ‘I am towels’ as a mode of expression for gentleness, I’m left unimpressed by the alliterative ‘fantastic fortissimo’ (failingly forced), and am especially disappointed that the hyper-awkwardness of ‘rotten diminish’, as the low-point of the piece, is also the climax.
Not only are those words awkward, but they seem dissonant against the smoothness of all that goes previously.
There’s an interestingly vague vision in this piece, but I wouldn’t try so hard on the last line.
7/10
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Willow_Wren reviewed Version 1 -
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The noun abandon as used in the title means the complete surrender to natural impulses and not to withdraw from one another, but in either case, it doesn’t quite hold up. The poem starts off well with interest, though I would combine “you are angry or you are noisy” into one sentence, less choppy that way. Don’t know what you mean by “I am towels.” What starts off as distance and discordance somehow ends up as nice walk through Provincetown and the beach with out a segue as to why the tension ended and now why the two characters are getting along. What was the initial trouble all about? How did they patch it up? I get the sense the poem is trying to speak of coming apart and then coming together again but it doesn’t have enough substance to hold up at this point. What is meant by the ocean’s ‘rotten diminish?’ Odd turn of phrase for the ocean or waves or tide.
bulletwithbutterflywings reviewed Version 1 -
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i like how you compare yourself to towels in the 2nd stanza, as i associate it with you feel invisible, insignificant. i think this poem would make more sense if the subject in the first stanza was actually angrily banging those pots. but if you don’t know if he’s angry, why are you folding laundry & feeling like a towel? I think i understand what you are saying in this poem & correct me if i’m way off. one moment, the couple is separated, completely ignoring the other, perhaps from a confrontation, or perhaps not, but then, the next week it will be as if nothing happened. however i think you should perhaps add another stanza in the middle, before they are walking hand in hand in provincetown, that clarifies how things are forgotten, & the couple continues life together as usual, are in love again, if this is the case as the last 2 stanzas suggest. i love the title & i love the last stanza which is richer and full of amazing imagery of the ocean. overall a lovely write, i think it just needs more definition before just completely changing the mood of the piece, as at first, they are separate, then they are together.
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