Short Story / Letter To My Female Child
Prologue
Lydia Spencer glanced down at her large, rounded belly and sighed. "What's wrong?" her best friend, Mischelle Warren asked, concerned. Lydia faced her friend, moving slowly and as carefully as possible on the bed. "I was thinking about the baby's...well, her future. I mean, I'm basically on my own, Misch. Her father left once he found out that baby would make three." Misch nodded, sympathizing with her. She rose from the wooden chair and went to sit beside Lydia. "Lyd", she whispered, "everything will be alright." She placed her hand on over Lydia's trembling one and continued, "I've thought about you and your baby since I received the news that day. I have something that will make you feel better..or, at least, that's what I hope." Lyd blinked. "What is it?" Mischelle stood and opened the top drawer on the dresser, removing a small pink diary. She sat next to Lydia and placed the diary on her lap. "There's a present for you in the back of the diary", she explained. "Open it whenever you feel that you're ready." Lydia hugged Mischelle and whispered in her ear, "Thank you." Mischelle rubbed her back and whispered in reply, "You're welcome."
Lydia awoke the next day and squinted at the sun's blinding rays peeking through the curtain. She swung her legs carefully over the bed and pulled herself to a standing position. Her steps were slow as she walked over to the clock on the wall. It was a black clock of the old cartoon character, Felix the Cat, whose large black eyes would move from left to right. A smile momentarily appeared on her face, which quickly disappeared when she read the time aloud, "9:59 am." She washed her face and showered. "I guess sleep is not an option right now", she mumbled after stepping out of the bathtub. After dressing in a white flannel sweater and black stretch pants, she retrieved the diary from her backpack and sat in a rocking chair to read it. Her hand flipped the small book open to the first page. "To Lydia with love and sincerity", she read. "May your thoughts flow freely on to each blank page, filling it with lifetime memories. From your dearest friend, Misch." A tear rolled out of the corner of her right eye and began its slow descent on to her cheek, leaving its cold imprint as a reminder. She took a deep breath and flipped to the back. A white sheet of paper was folded many times and taped to the last page. "Open it whenever you feel that you're ready." She lifted the paper off the page, along with the tape. Her hands eagerly unfolded it and scanned its contents.
Letter To My Female Child
My Dearest Jade,
My hands trace the patterns of your movements inside of my belly. Whenever I perform these actions, a feeling of warmth rushes to my heart and warms my being. I anticipate the day when you are born and I can finally gaze into your tiny eyes, reacquainting myself with you. "Hi, little one. I am your Momma." I will always protect you, sweetheart. My warm arms will cease your tremors of fear and your cries. My hands will caress your sensitive skin and diaper rash. I will listen to your soft laughter and observe your happy smile. Will you have dimples like your mother? I often wonder. Maybe you will have curly auburn hair or wavy midnight tresses that shine underneath the fluorescent lights. I think of you all the itme, my sweet Jade.
However, a trepidation fills my soul. It is an unwelcome stranger that plagues my mind without end or escape. There will be the days when I have to warn you to avoid apologizing for being black and a woman. Do not be afraid to hold your head high, even when someone wants to pay you less than a man. I will have to warn you about the Angry Black Woman, Sassy Black Woman, and Video Vixen stereotypes. I would advise you to be a fierce feminist, although men may label you a lesbian and a misandrist. Don't walk alone at night without keys in your hand to battle with a rapist. Be yourself without limits or restraints, regardless of constant verbal attacks from male chauvinists and misogynists alike.
My concerns are many in number and must be mentioned to you as adulthood looms closer. I want to shelter you forever, but you may run away in full panic mode. "Is my mother losing her mind?" you may ask.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
The idea behind this story is an interesting one – the awaited birth of a child is a powerful theme and worth exploring. The relationship between the two women is also a familiar one and will strike a cord with many female readers.
I thought the writing was very good in places but in other places needs some editing and re-writing.
As a short story, it is not complete. A short story, just like a long one, needs a beginning, a middle and an end. This story did not have an end. The end could have been really interesting. The letter could have ended up in the adult child’s hands and she could pass it on to her child. The mother could have sealed it in gift for the child and we could see her give it to the child. The mother could be sharing the letter with her friend, her own mother, her absent partner. There are a host of ways you could bring the story to a more satisfying conclusion.
Specifically, I would look at some of the following:-
a) The second name of her friend is unnecessary for the reader
b) Describing her friend as ‘her friend’ is unnecessary. We know in a sentence or two that they are friends.
c) The mother telling the friend that her partner left is not likely as if they are friends she would probably already know this information. You could get this fact into the story with some dialogue like ‘Peter made it clear he didn’t want children when he left, didn’t he?’
d) The message to the unborn black girl is heartfelt and comes from a particular social perspective which, being a black woman, I completely understand. But it feels angry towards the end and your narration becomes ‘preachy’. The ideas that you want to get across to your reader are valid and important. Either tell the reader that as the mother writes she becomes emotionally charged, remembers particular things she has gone through or experienced – something that connects us to her as she becomes more outspoken. Otherwise, this part of the story becomes detached from the beginning.
I hope this helps you. It’s a good and important piece of writing that I think just needs some re-formatting and perhaps another draft.
- add/view comments (0)
Opening line: Like the thought, maybe try ‘round’ instead of ‘rounded’.
First paragraph: The second line is a bit to wordy, try ”... asked Michelle.” Then use another couple sentences to go into the fact that Michelle is the best friend, and/or the concern in her voice.
”... hand on over…” Typo? cut ‘on’ or ‘over’
Second Paragraph: Cut some of the passive voice like ”... whose large black eyes would move…” try ”... whose large black eyes moved…” or ”... which quickly disappeared…” try ”... quickly disappearing….”
“After dressing….” should be the start of a new paragraph.
The letter is the best writing in this piece, and a very nice touch.
All in all I think you need to rework the flow of your story. Some of the lines seem a bit stilted, other times you may want to replace passive voice with active. I think fixing these would make it a much better read.
The letter was really powerful. I thought it fit in perfectly and it really feels like something a mother would write. I would’ve liked more descriptions of Lydia and Mischelle, because I had my own idea on how they appeared and when you mention that Mischelle is black I kind of had to pause and think for a second. Lydia also is carrying a backpack, and I’m curious now to know her age. Overall I think all that’s really needed is more description of the characters. Maybe a little more to the letter to Jade, because it’s kind of unclear how that’s supposed to help Lydia. I’m assuming it’s to inspire confidence from looking how Misch handled her own child?
Keep it up.
Showing 1 - 3 of 3
Review item
Add to faves
GENERAL
REVIEW QUEUE
Ratings & Rankings
