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Poetry / Messer (Analysis)
The relentless blade.
So crisp and cold.
It's smooth surface sleek and bold.
Wielded with power,
Wielded in strife.
Funny how metal can harvest a life.
Honed to an edge and
Covered in blood.
These lustful objects have caused us this flood.
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Kpalm reviewed Version 1 -
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You have an amazing message here, although it doesn’t hold nearly as much power as it would if you would separate the lines. It looks as though you were trying to stray away from a multi-linear poem, but the true strength of this piece will be found when you put line breaks in to emphasize pauses. I especially think “Wielded in power, wielded in strife” should be separated. Leaving each one to captivate the reader with it’s own power will greatly increase the intensity of the message. Just after that, “honed… blood”, if you separated the lines you wouldn’t need the word ‘and’. This would give a much better flow to the piece, because the word ‘and’ is just so… ew. hah :D
Also, beware of forced rhyme. You do an excellent job of stringing together the rhyme scheme here, but the line “funny… life” seems far too forced to fit in with the rest of it. I completely understand what you’re going for, just saying try and fiddle with it a bit. It comes off without the same flow as the rest of the piece.
Overall, I loved it. This piece has a few minor problems, but the flow, intensity, and overall emotion conveyed is superb. You have a talent here you shouldn’t give up on. Keep writing, keep reading, and keep putting your all into your poetry. It shows. :D
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Vato reviewed Version 1 -
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Like the idea for this poem. I’d like to see it structured better, more traditional perhaps.
Can a blade be crisp?
The “Metal can harvest Life” is a fantastic image. The use of the word “Funny” ruins it however taking from it the stark quality it deserves. ”Ironic”, or “Intriguing” would have been nice there.
Overall, it’s good thoughts, and expressive.
emmettrose19 reviewed Version 1 -
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i think you are refering to suicid by means of cuting yourself, am i correct? if not please tell me. i think this is great work.
Spriglief reviewed Version 1 -
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It has a strong rhyming pattern without a single forced rhyme. I wish you have given more to enjoy. If you left out “Funny how” and wrote, “wielded in strife metal can take a life” you would have a stronger poem. I can’t see anything funny or even ironic about weapons.
Jimmel104 reviewed Version 1 -
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Wonderful first line. The rhythm, the rhyming, even liked the use of Wielded twice.
You lost me on the second line though. First sentence is fine. I thought it would develop as the first but the second sentence is weak and unclear.
Nothing was developed to support why the blade is lustful? And the “flood” isn’t clear either. Are you talking about blood here?
Using just the first sentence you would have a powerful 4 line poem here if you ended there.
8/6
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