the sarcasm is killing me. the piece was intentionally vague and ecclectic. i was attempting to write something that Everybody can relate no matter how old the are, where they live, or anything. that’s why there are no names, no detailed descriptions.. nothing. though i’m sure you caught that…
Flash Fiction / Feral
Feral
She grinned, a feral smile just wide enough to show each of her four pointed canines. Then she rolled over onto her back, arching her neck so she could still look at him. She chuckled softly, a sound as much a purr as a laugh, and ruffled his raven tufts of hair.
She loved the sound of his voice: a deep, resonating bass that was layered with comfort and protection. No matter what he said, it seemed to have meaning, to be special, important, and she filed each snippet of his words away in her memory so she could look back at them later.
She reached out a hand and he held it in his warm grip. Then she began to hum: a lilting tune with a haunting melody. He shivered slightly, although not from cold. He was never cold, but she on the other hand, always was. Even now, in fall, she was wearing a sweater, and he felt comfortable in a t-shirt. Always the casual one.
But that’s how she liked him. Pretty much anything he said or did was cool with her. And his casual yet functional dress appealed to her. Most other guys thought that they had to have their pants hanging halfway down their legs or they had to run around with most of their torsos bare. She never had that problem with him though. He saw things the same way she did.
He leaned down and whispered something in her ear. She giggled; his gentle words had tickled. Then she sat up and hugged him, enjoying every second of the contact.
He was a lot bigger than her, yet she always felt safe around him, as if nothing could ever hurt her so long as he was there. She was surprised she even trusted him in the first place. People in general scared her, but somehow he had wormed his way into her heart. Somehow.
A breeze rustled the leaves of the tree under which they were sitting, and she shivered. He smiled and shook his head at her helplessness. Then he took her up in his arms and held her until she stopped shivering. By then though, his gentle rocking and comforting warmth had put her to sleep.
She looked so calm in sleep. When awake, she was always guarded and slightly wild- untamable. She appeared to carry the weight of the world on her shoulders. Not that it was her job to worry about everything, but she seemed to think so. But asleep, her features softened and her muscles relaxed, and it was hard to believe just how tense she could be when awake.
He brushed a few stray locks of hair from her face and settled into a steady forwards and backwards motion, hugging her close and laying his head on hers. She sighed and snuggled closer. He began to hum a nameless tune: something he probably wouldn’t have done if she were awake. He did not consider his humming to be all that great, but she had told him at some point that she found deep-throated music to be very soothing. Sure enough, her breathing relaxed into a slower rhythm and her odd twitches seemed to disappear.
A cloud passed in front of the sun and he glanced at the color-streaked sky. The sun was nearing the horizon and soon it would be getting colder. Just a little longer, he told himself, and he dozed off with her amidst the falling leaves and the last rays of the dying light.
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DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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loveandrockets28 reviewed Version 1 -
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this was charming… i liked your description of the two players. i woulve liked to have learned how they met, what were their interactions? this is a couple i want to get to learn more about and follow.
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clb_clark reviewed Version 1 -
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wisedec4u reviewed Version 1 -
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Matthewtuckey reviewed Version 1 -
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jonny2469 reviewed Version 1 -
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A dog is wearing a t-shirt?
raven tufts of hair. raven is overused. raven brings to mind glossy. glossy tufts?
how does one appear to carry the weight of the world on her shoulders? if you can describe that then use that description instead of what you used. what does weight of the world even mean? billions of tons of rock?
what exactly is a nameless tune? you’re using a lot of cliches here instead of working for accurate and original description. “wormed his way into her heart” etc.
“not that it was her job to worry about everything” is like saying
“really, no really, it ACTUALLY WASN’T her job, if you can believe that.” I mean, who’d be her employer, god?
“it’s hard to believe how tense she is when awake” it’s hard for who to believe? Me? the reader? The narrator? instead of saying: you couldn’t even guess at how ugly this guy was! maybe you should explain what he looks like. and don’t say he carries the weight of the world on his face. haha. sorry.
omg! so she was like twitching the whole time? weird. I didn’t see that. oh, cuz you didn’t show me. right.
same thing again: color streaked sky. oh i can just see it. blown away by that description. and let me guess, they’re vampires! AHHHHH, another vampire writer, who are actually scarier than vampires themselves IF THEY EXISTED and weren’t so darn trendy these days.
the actual good line you didn’t even know was good : casual yet funtional. like a pair of khakis. tubular. nothing but 10’s!
snarfus reviewed Version 1 -
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Well, the first paragraph is great. The piece is called Feral, and you immediately enforce that with talk of canines and purring and such. Unfortunately, you don’t follow through with this throughout the piece. It’s especially noticeable when you talk about her being worried about vague intangibles. People with “natural” mindsets tend to be seen as live for the moment types.
Also, the “little longer” line was confusing. Little longer for what? Is he going to kill her? Propose? Give us a little more of a hint. You don’t have to spell it out 100%, but give the reader more of a clue.
retardedpigeon reviewed Version 1 -
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This reads more like a romantic piece. It did take me half way to realise the protagonist was the character implied to be feral and then there wasnt an awful lot descriptive going on to support that.
There are a lot of questions unanswered which be quelled with a few more pieces of description or re-structuring of sentences. The questions i was personally left with were:
How they met and became close?
What were they doing in the woods and why was she smiling at him?
Why was she feral? (assuming shes human)
Who were the other boys who wore their trousers so low?
Overall, i feel this is a pretty good piece of writing, it just doesnt seem to fit in with the title.
Thank You
Ben.
jsublimeg reviewed Version 1 -
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This works well as a piece of flash fiction. It tells a simple story from beginning to end, yet it does have some layers to it. The idea of relationships and the inner workings. The similarities that appear on the surface and the differences that lay underneath in this relationship are described well enough to come out, pop, if you will. I like the subtle irony of the word feral, for she seems anything but wild though once tamed. If he is dumping her, “reintroducing to the wild”, then that could be made a little clearer, though it hints at it.
Marvin reviewed Version 1 -
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fun title. feral makes me laugh. we’ll see if that’s appropriate for this piece.
strong opening. sets tone and introduces characters quickly. sweet.
“have done if she were awake”—had she been awake. personal preference.
“had told him at some point”—i’d kill “some point.” don’t need it
“color-streaked sky.”—good but general. maybe consider offering up some actual color.
lovely close.
overall-
excellent level of writing. smooth, not too much to pick on. a fine portrait of two people comfortable in each others arms.
criticisms?
it’s a fine portrait. no real tension, no real arc.
well done.
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