She has more limbs than you would know what to do with, young man.
Flash Fiction / The littlest soldier, a tragic story of love left flapping.
Chelly continued her contortion, folding each of her three orange legs over her head while her fingers formed interlocking tunnels of varying diameter. She never broke eye contact.
“Now,” she crooned, “show me your people’s love rituals.”
Alec smiled wildly. He gazed toward his pants, where his little soldier was already prepared to conquer this alien race. “Right here, baby,” he said, gesticulating at his crotch.
Chelly unwound herself and placed two hands on each hip. “That? This is what makes human men so proud? I just remembered I am to help my grandmother wash her suckers today.”
“At ease.”
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avedis reviewed Version 1 -
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Oh, the old small dick joke eh?
(And you call THAT a penis?”)
OK, some savings:
“while her fingers formed : -> “and fingers forming” +1
“varying diameter. She never” – > “varying diameter, never” +1
“me your people’s love” -> “me human love” +1
“wildly. He gazed toward his pants, where” – > “wildly, gazing toward” + 1
“Right here, baby,” -> “Here, baby,” ” +1
“unwound herself and placed” – > “unwinding herself, placing” +1
““That? This is what makes human men so proud” – > ““That? That makes human men so proud” +2
“I just remembered I am to help my grandmother wash her suckers today.”” – > “I just remembered, I am helping grandmother wash her suckers today.”” +2
Now, 11 words to play with.
“At ease” just doesn’t work for me as a punch line. Maybe “Down Rover” just before “I just remembered…”?
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jebozid reviewed Version 1 -
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Nice!
of her three orange legs – this sounds too artificially written. Would you write the number of legs if it were two? Maybe?
If you could squeeze in another 2 words, may I suggest another “Right. Here.” – after the crotch. That would put him spot on.
suckers are presumably (could be clearer though) some sort of sucking tubes, which thought of, attached to grandma are quite gross and discouraging to the mighty soldier.
Go team Earth!
shannygoat reviewed Version 1 -
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Even with an alien race, men can get no love. It’s pretty funny actually. I don’t get the entire phallic thing and why guys think it makes them a god. Though I don’t want him to suffer a horrible case of blue balls, his shoot down is still pretty comical.
“I have to help my grandmother wash her suckers…” Of all the things she could have said to get out of it, she did the typical Earthly excuse.
Very cute.
Marvin reviewed Version 1 -
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cute and clever.
the solider theme works perfectly.
“orange legs” was a nice color to choose. but why not pink?
“crooned”—excellent word choice
how many limbs does this orange biatch have?
awesome.
flash fiction needs a new champion. i shall cheer for you.
bdplume reviewed Version 1 -
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Hilarious.
“two hands on each hip.” This is priceless. It conveys something exotic, but nonspecific. If she has three legs, then how many hips, and thus how many hands? But that ambiguity is perfect.
My only criticism is “little soldier was already prepared to conquer this alien race.” The whole little soldier thing is a bit cliche’, and the ‘conquering’ bit seems too obvious.
I laughed out loud at this, though.
Curtastrophe reviewed Version 1 -
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Haaaaaaaa! Very bawdy.
The opening alliteration was good.
Kudos for “gesticulating”. Also like “unwound herself”
“That? This is…” could be “That? That is what…”—Style subjective, of course.
A good play on machismo and men’s insecurities.
Well done!
-Curt
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