Thanks so much. =-D My professors have always told me that I have a comma addiction. =-) Again, Thank you so much, actually you are the first non-family member that has read my story, and only two of my family have read it =-) so again thanks, I really appreciate it!
Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / Love and Japan
Love and Japan
By Stephanie Havel(pen name Yuki Yamada)
Chapter One
Acquaintances
It was December third, the day before her sixteenth birthday, she was cold, tired, hungry, and running away from her past. Yuuki was wearing baggy jeans, a hoodie, sneakers, and a cap, with her shockingly red hair pulled up into the cap and hoodie. She looked like a common hoodlum walking the streets of Tokyo, and this is exactly what she wanted everyone to believe.
“I could try the police,” she thought, “but who would believe me? He probably has them in his pocket already anyway.” Her left wrist was stinging like acid was being poured on it. A short chain dangled from her wrist, and a little higher up a handcuff was cutting off the circulation to her hand. She hid it under her sleeve. No time to stop.
Yuki was wasting no time. Walking at a hurried pace she knew that she had to get out of the greater Tokyo district and fast. She had already caught a glimpse of three men following her; two tall men with dark hair, and an average man with bleached hair. Ever since she could remember she had a gift for noticing details, and she remembered everything.
She was coming up on a four-way stoplight but she couldn’t stop--her pursuers would catch up to her. Yuki noticed a restaurant on the street corner. Through the glass she could see that there was a sealed private room in the back, a waitress opened the door and she saw that there was a meeting in progress inside.
“Da**, I’ll just have to risk it.” She came up to the door and entered. There was a young woman at the front desk.
“May I help you?” From the look on the young woman’s face she could tell that she was being looked down upon because of her appearance.
“Yes, I was told that I am supposed to show up at a meeting here in a private room. It was short notice so I came straight from the gym.”
The woman didn’t look fully convinced but she led her to the back room anyway. “How the Hell am I gonna pull this off?” she thought, but she knew that there was no turning back, the only place to go was in there, she prayed to God that he wasn’t there.
“ With all due respect sir, I disagree with Hanon-sama I think we should act now!” A man with a scar above his right eyebrow looked furious. He was sitting at the far end of an elongated rectangular table that had twelve other men: six sitting on either side of the table and one man at the head. The man at the head of the table had a calm cold expression on his face but he did not speak. Two men stood behind him, one on either side they also had calm expressions but neither could be as cold as their master, Ryuu Tantaka.
“If we head into this with full force we will lose Kiyari-sama.” Ichirou Hanon was a taller man with black hair and an elegant face, he looked somewhat troubled but he did not allow his anger to consume his face. “Tantaka-sama I believe that if we go into this without a strong plan we will be crushed under the strength of the Fuiyari influence. They are the richest family in Japan and the son, Sano Fuiyari, is Japans most famous model and is soon to be the new clan head. They hold Japan in their hands, if we fight them we better have an ace in our deck.”
“Colorful words as always Hanon-sama.” Ryuu Tantaka was a tall, slender man with a somewhat pale complexion, he was considered to be the most beautiful man in Japan, however, at this moment no emotion showed on his face and his voice was colder than his freezing gaze. The room fell silent while the twelve men waited for a further response.
“Here we are.” The waitress said as they approached the door, she knocked and entered, Yuki followed close behind lowering her head so the cap would cover her face.
“Another of you party has arrived.” The waitress left quickly after saying this, Yuuki could tell that she didn’t want to see any of the men’s faces.
“What have I stepped into?” she thought as the waitress closed the door. Yuuki turned around to face the men with her head still tucked. “Why are they still quiet?” She quickly raised her head surveyed the faces and then lowered her head so that no one could get a good look at her face.
“Who are you?” Kiyari-sama half yelled, and at that moment she fell to the floor in an apologetic position, knees under her and arms extended in front of her. Three of the men stood as she fell into the position each had a shocked look on their face.
“WHAT IS THIS?!” They yelled almost at once.
“Forgive me! I intrude upon your business, I am very sorry! But could I ask you if I could stay here on the floor for ten minutes time?” She muffled her voice so it sounded somewhat like a mans but it did not hide the quiver that she had in her voice. While the three men stood there glaring at her and shouting various things the others in the room stayed silent and looked at Tantaka.
“BOY WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY COMING HERE?”
“GET OUT NOW!”
“Gentlemen,” Tantaka said in a cold regular voice, “we should at least hear him out. You-- what business do you have here?” She tried to hide her shivers and stayed in her position. His voice made her want to cry, it was so demanding and calm, but firm and cold. She didn’t know what to do. “ I’ll just say the bare minimum,” she thought. The men in the room waited patiently but the two men standing behind Tantaka moved closer to him.
“I seek to avert three sets of eyes that have been following me.” It was all she could think to say, “I’m gonna get myself killed,” she thought.
“Why did you not just go to the police?” Tantaka’s expression did not change, and neither did his tone.
“Crap!” She thought, “What the Hell am I gonna say? I can’t say it’s because of him, they’d turn me in for the reward.”
“Um…” She was thinking frantically, “the cops are easily bought.”
The men in the room froze; almost all had a quizzical shocked expression.
“Sh**, I knew that if I said that they’d ask questions.” She prayed that he wouldn’t ask, and as the silence went on she grew scared, she wanted to look up but she couldn’t bring herself to, she knew that he was looking right at her.
“I am most sorry for coming here but please allow me to stay here for just a few more minutes.” Three minutes had passed since she entered the room and her left wrist was screaming, she could see blood starting to soak through the sleeve but she didn’t dare move. “If I could just get a ballpoint pen I could get that da** cuff off,” she thought. When she surveyed the faces of the men in the room before she noticed a pen in front of the man at the head of the table. “If only I could gather the guts to ask for the pen, but then they would see the cuff and call the cops.” The pain in her wrist was screaming at her and the silence only made it worse.
“I know that I am imposing and I am terribly sorry but…” she stopped herself before she could ask for the pen. The shake was still in her voice and she new that she would leave soon, she would have to act now.
“…. May I please borrow the pen on the table?” She ended the question and fully expected to be shouted at again but the only thing that came was silence. Ten seconds went by and then she heard movement, someone had stood up.
“May I inquire as to why?” Tantaka asked as he stood up, there was a hint of confusion on his face, “This kid either has a lot of guts or a death wish,” he thought as he walked over to the crouched figure.
“I need to use the ink stick for a moment. Please give it to me.” She was now beginning to get desperate; her wrist was on fire and the metal touch made it worse.
“Stand up.” Tantaka was standing beside her, she could feel his eyes looking at her, she decided that she should get up very slowly so she wouldn’t look like she was trying to do anything that would get her killed but she still kept her head lowered.
“Here, the pen,” he said with a calm voice, he laid the pen on the table and stepped back, she calmly walked up to the table and extended her right hand.
“This kid has guts,” Tantaka thought to himself while slowly walking over to the crouched figure, “ most people freeze when they see a sight like this, none have ever barged in and then asked for a favor, what is he thinking? I’d better be careful, even though he doesn’t look dangerous one never knows now-a-days.” “Stand up.” “He is getting up slowly, at least he’s smart.” “Here, the pen.” “I’ll put it here, this kid looks like he’s gonna faint, I can’t see his face but I can tell he’s nervous.”
Yuuki took the pen, her hands shaking, and she slowly unscrewed the cap and took out the ink stick. Her hand was noticeably shaking.
“Poor kid, he can’t even stop shaking.” Hanon thought, “ Are we really that intimidating?”
“I apologize for asking for the pen, I will re-assemble it in a moment.” She turned around, “I don’t want them to see.”
At this point Hanon was standing next to Tantaka, or rather almost between him and the stranger. Tantaka and Hanon had been best friends since middle school, they met when some older kids were bullying Hanon, Tantaka fought the bullies and they have been best friends ever since. “I will not risk letting him hurt you,” Hanon thought, “If he tries something I will kill him.”
As she turned around the men became uneasy, they thought that she was going to pull out a weapon and make an attempt at Tantaka, they glanced at each other and felt that they all thought the same thing, Tantaka however remained unmoved.
“Shoot, those two can still see, but it hurts so much!” She raised her left arm and rolled up her cuff, the inside of the cuff was completely covered in blood and it was soaking through the outside. She didn’t care if they saw any more she just had to get it off.
Tantaka and Hanon saw the blood and cuff at the same time and they exchanged a quick glance, “What the Hell is this?” they both thought, “What’s a pen gonna do?” She inserted the end of the stick and started to move it about, the two men beside her could tell that she was wincing with pain every time she moved the stick but she kept going until she heard a clicking sound and then finally it released.
“Aghhh…” She moaned as the cuff fell from her wrist and hit the floor. The rest of the men in the rooms were now standing and saw the blood stained cuff laying on the floor, no one said a word.
“Thank you for the use of your pen.” She said as she slipped the stick back into the casing, only using her right hand, everyone could tell that she was holding back a great cry of anguish. She cradled her left hand for a moment and then became still, “Now either you act, or you don’t,” she thought. Everything in the room became still, no one moved, no one said a word.
“I have to be tactful, I need to think my questions through, I don’t want to frighten him,” Tantaka thought. “In exchange for my generosity may I ask who did this to you?”
Silence. A few seconds passed by and then she answered, calmly and cold, so cold was her tone that even Tantaka felt the hatred and anger behind it.
“The one that I will be forced to marry tomorrow.” The men in the room were in
shock, but Tantaka hid his well enough that no one noticed.
“He must really hate his betrothed, I know arranged marriages are hard but this?” Tantaka thought, “is she evil or something?”
“I have stayed long enough, thank you for allowing me to stay, and for the use of your pen, but may I ask one more thing?” Her tone was now completely emotionless, again it left the men in the room in silence.
“Do any of you have a small handgun on them that I can buy?”
“What in God’s name is going on?” Hanon thought, “This is even shocking Tantaka…. And why won’t he lift his head?”
The men in the room all shifted uneasily, they still did not trust this kid, each man shared glances, even Hanon and Tantaka looked at each other, but there was still only silence.
“I guess that means no…” Yuuki said as she clamped her left wrist, the men were amazed that he showed no more signs of pain when he touched it. Blood was still flowing everywhere so she tried to pressure it to stop the bleeding; Yuuki felt her strength leaving her every second.
“Use this to wrap your wrist.” Tantaka said as he handed her a handkerchief from his pocket, “Kazu, do you have a first aid kit?”
“Yes, sir.” Kazu looked to be the older of the two bodyguards Tantaka had, he had a caring look as he walked to the boy, “here… it’s a pocket first aide kit take it with you.”
“Thank you. Is there a back exit? I do not wish to use the front door.” Yuuki’s voice was cold and demanding, some of the men at the table compared it to Tantaka’s; it was like looking at a young Tantaka.
Silence engulfed the room again as everyone remembered the situation, everyone waited for Tantaka to respond. Yuuki also remembered the situation and became embarrassed, “What the Hell am I doing?!?! I overstepped my place! They’re gonna kill me!” Yuuki’s heart began to race as the silence grew on, “What are they thinking? If you are gonna kill me then just do it?” she thought.
“The back exit is just outside the door to the left.” Tantaka thought it out carefully, “ If I tell him where the exit is he will just leave, if I do not it will surely cause an uproar in the restaurant. This is one interesting kid, he does have guts, I’ll give him that, but his stature is all wrong for his looks, he stands erect, like he was raised in a noble family, very interesting.”
“Thank you for your kindness.” She said as she turned to walk out of the room, “I apologize for interrupting your meeting gentlemen.” She opened the door and left, concealing her left wrist she opened the back door, went out, and shut it. She leaned on the back alley wall and slid into a sitting position, she couldn’t move.
“What was that?” Kiyari said without taking his eyes off of the door, “Since when did we turn into a charity?!”
Tantaka looked at Kiyari with a cold silencing stare, “I’m not sure, but we are not tyrants, we’re yakuza. Kiyari-sama, we do not want to become like Fuiyari, have you forgotten?” Tantaka’s glare silenced the room again, everyone looked at the two men, Tantaka was expressionless and Kiyari was infuriated.
“That is not what I meant, I…”
Bang!!! Bang!!!
“What the Hell?!” Kiyari shouted, “Gunshots!”
“The boy!” Tantaka yelled, “Did anyone give him a gun?”
“No!”
“Stay here all of you. Kazu, Itzuki you’re with me! Hanon keep them here!” Tantaka wasted no time, he ran out the door and straight to the exit. The exit door had had a bullet hole in it that let in some of the afternoon light; it hadn’t been there before.
“Well that’s one of the two shots, but where is the other bullet?” Tantaka pushed the door open, there was a persons body partially blocking it, he had been hit in the head and was unconscious and bleeding, but alive. Another mans body was laying faced down on the ground some ways away, both men had dark hair, and both were wearing expensive suits.
“What the -” A man shouted a little farther into the alley, Tantaka saw someone do a roundhouse kick to a mans head, the man collapse and in front of him stood the hooded boy, still hiding his face, panting but saying nothing. Tantaka stood frozen, the boys’ entire right side, from his shoulder down, was covered in blood.
“Are you okay?” Tantaka asked the boy, no response.
“The two men are both alive, the police will be here soon. We should go.” Itzuki said in a hushed tone.
“Are you okay?” Tantaka asked again.
“Ughhh….”
Tantaka started walking toward the boy slowly, “You’re okay?” Tantaka could see a tear fall from the boys chin as he came near, and then the boy collapsed. Tantaka was close to the boy, so when he saw his legs give way he rushed over and caught him right before he hit the ground, and when he did the hat and hoody slipped off and Yuuki’s long red hair fell into the blood that now covered her hoody. Tantaka stopped breathing.
“You’re a girl!”
“What am I doing?” Yuuki asked herself out loud, “I should start running again, I need to get up.” Yuuki pulled herself up and propped herself against the wall, “Why am I here?” She wanted to cry but she knew that if she did she wouldn’t be able to continue. “Okay,” she thought, “lets go.” She started to go farther into the alley when-
“We figured you’d pull something like this.” A voice said from behind her, “We just didn’t figure they’d let you stay in that long, we were about to give up, Thanks for coming out.” Yuuki turned around to face the three men, the man speaking, the guy with the bleached hair, had a cruel smile on his face.
“If I shoot you I can say that you fought us and I can get away with it, as long as I don’t kill you it’s fine.” The man raised a gun and shot twice, the first bullet pierced her skin, she could feel it tear into her right side, just above her chest, she waited to feel the impact of the second bullet but it never came.
“What are you doing?” One of the two dark haired men shouted, he shoved the bleached guys gun before he shot the second time, sending it towards a building, “He doesn’t want her injured too bad.”
“Hey!!” The other dark haired man shouted and then moaned, while the other two were arguing Yuuki started her attack, she ran straight to them and with all of her force kicked one man in the temple, he fell to the ground. The second of the two dark haired men took action, he blocked her kicks and threw her to the ground, she fell next to something metal so she picked it up and hit him in the jaw. “Two down.” The bleached guy still had the gun, however he was shocked that she could take them down so quickly.
“What the-” The last hit was done.
“What am I doing?” Yuuki thought, all she could do was stand there, she saw the men from before coming to her, speaking to her, but she couldn’t hear any words, she saw the one mans mouth moving but he wasn’t speaking. She felt the tear fall from her eye, it felt as if the world was shattering. “WHAT?” she wanted to scream, but no words came out, all that came out was “Ughhh….” And she began to fall to the ground. She prepared for the impact of the ground on her shoulder but at the last moment arms grabbed her and picked her up. Then everything was black.
Tantaka was shocked, “why are you doing this?” He placed her hair back in her hoody and picked her up.
“Sir, the cops will be here soon, we need to leave.” KAZU and Itzuki had also been momentarily stunned by the fact that she was a woman, only when they heard far off sirens did they think to take action.
“I understand, lets go, Kazu take her,” He gently placed the girl into Kazu’s arms and they exchanged a deep look of confusion then Tantaka said, “Let us keep her gender a secret, tell no one, get her to the hospital at the house.” With this Kazu immediately took the girl went to his car and sped away.
“Now, lets see who caused this mess.” Tantaka said as he faced Itzuki.
The bleached man groaned and then spit blood onto the ground.
“Pick him up.” Itzuki went to the man and picked him up forcefully, he held the mans arms behind his back and tightened his grip.
“Why did you attack the woman, looking at your clothes you are not simple thugs, who hired you?” Itzuki had never seen this much emotion on Tantaka’s face, pure hatred was being expressed in a calm and frigid way on Tantaka’s face, he was even scared for the mans life. “I will not hesitate to kill you, who is your boss?” Tantaka gave the man a death-giving glare.
“S…. Sano Fuiyari….” Itzuki let go of the man and let him fall to the ground, Tantaka’s face again expressed no emotion, it was terrifying.
“Lets go Itzuki.” They both walked away calmly, the bleached man was petrified, and as soon as Izumi and Tantaka drove away the police entered the alley.
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oneshot92 reviewed Version 1 -
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Give us a visual on the scene in your opening. I can see her, but I can’t see where she is. You need to pull the reader into the story completely, not just partway.
“What have I stepped into?” she thought – remove thoughts from quotations. Simple italics will work well.
Repetitive with “voice” consider changing one. Publishers frown on this.
“Sh**, – if you’re gonna use it, just say it.
Okay, the shaky voice is becoming redundant now.
and they have been best friends ever since. – careful, you have a tense change here. “have”
door had had a bullet – what’s wrong with this?
Really need to work on descriptions with this, and watch the repetition in close proximity.
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slbynum3 reviewed Version 1 -
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JHarvey reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the premise for your story—it seems very unique. Overall, I think it’s good. However, there were a couple of run-on sentences throughout the passage. For example:
Ryuu Tantaka was a tall, slender man with a somewhat pale complexion, he was considered to be the most beautiful man in Japan, however, at this moment no emotion showed on his face and his voice was colder than his freezing gaze.
I would separate this into separate sentences to make it a bit clearer easier to read.
Ryuu Tantaka was a tall, slender man with a somewhat pale complexion. He was considered to be the most beautiful man in Japan. However, at this moment, no emotion showed on his face and his voice was colder than his freezing gaze.
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