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Short Story / THE TUBE
THE TUBE
June had gotten out of the shower and was wrapping a towel around her when the phone rang. Karen, her sister, had called her up and started whining- the way she did when she was little-that she was mad about this girl, Tania, who had this thingamajig- some tube she needed to run the pump in her swimming pool, and she wanted it back.. Karen said Tania had the thing for about a year or six months- she wasn’t sure. She said she was tired of this… and blah…blah…blah…
June held the phone away from her ear and let her whine, all the while pretending to listen while she sprinkled her conversations with Uh-huhs. Uh-huh. Still-Karen wouldn’t let up, so finally June asked her, “Refresh my memory- who’s Tania?” trying to picture a face as she rubbed lotion on her wet feet.
“Remember the other house I had, the one with the bean shaped pool? The tall girl next door. The blonde.”
“Yeah. I remember her.” June remembered that she never liked her or her fat, ugly husband. She also needed to paint her toenails. “So why don’t you just go over to her house and ask her for it?” Pause. No answer. It was all cut and dry.
June decided to say as little as possible. It was going to be another one of those June to the rescue deals, she could feel it. So June immediately started rationalizing the whole thing. She remained determined to not volunteer to do anything. It wasn’t June’s problem, and she could already tell that Karen was going to ask her to ride shotgun over there with her, and whenever Karen wanted her to ride shotgun- it never turned out the way they planned.
“I haaaave,” the words came squeezing out of Karen’s clenched teeth like snakes out a toothpaste tube. “I just called again. She keeps giving me the run around.”
June used her towel to dry her hair and sat down. “Well, what’d she say?” She saw the cigarettes on the table.
“She always says she’ll give it to me, but she never does.” Pause.
June waited for Karen to ask her to go with her. She lit a smoke.
“I’m sick of askin’ her for it.”
“Don’t ask. Tell her.”
“I haaaaaaaaave, but she’s a bitch.”
She inhaled deeply on the cigarette and let it all out at once. June could hear her begging coming, and she stopped it before it started, and sighing with resignation said, “Do you want me to go with you?”
Karen suddenly got a high pitchy glee in her voice, “OK.”
June thought back on all the times that Karen had asked for her help and again she had the feeling that this was going to be another fiasco. It usually started out with Karen thinking how much fun it was going to be. June thought that she actually got some sort of high from the adrenaline. Too bad for the both of them that it never really worked out the way she planned. And to top it all off, Karen usually ended up mad at June and June ended up pissed at herself for even going. June put the cigarette out. “OK. I’m coming over,” and she hung up the phone.
When Karen got in her car, the first thing she did was turn off the radio- then she said, “Please don’t say anything when we get there. It’s my problem. Let me do the talking. I’ll handle it.”
“OK,” June nodded, “no problem,” she asked me to come with her, and now she tells me to be quiet? Hell no. If Karen wanted to settle this thing- why’d she call? June couldn’t figure it out.
When they got to Tania’s house this skinny blond guy opened the door, and June asked, “Is Tania here?” He stepped aside to let them in and they entered a large wood paneled living room.
“Wait here,” he mumbled while pointing to the couch, “I’ll go see.”
June had already sat down and was watching his ass walk out of the room. He looked real skinny like a dope fiend. It looked like his pants held onto him like a stamp on a letter. His black Levis were cinched up by a wide brown leather belt that stuck to his boney hips. His hair looked like it was melting. Sleazy thought June.
After a while he came back in and sat down on the couch beside her and rolled a pencil thin joint. She had started talking about the tube and he said he heard all about it. She smoked with him to find out where he stood in the deal. They smoked the joint. No Tania. Karen jiggled her keys in her hand. Her eyes were red. I’m sure mine are too thought June as she looked around. It was a huge place with real wood walls, but it was a pig sty. Clothes lay all around. Lots of modern tweed furniture that looked like they bought it all on one day from the same store. It looked like cheap shopping mall discount paintings - really nothing but splotches of reds and blues and greens here and there all swooshed together. I suppose if you squinted, thought June, it might look like something. Obviously Tania had no taste. The sliding glass door on the opposite wall stood open and she could see a lit rectangular pool in the backyard with a tan slide in the deep end.
“It’s a nice night,” Karen said meekly, raising her shoulders and forcing a fake laugh as she looked around. She put her keys away.
“Yeah,” said the smoked out boy.
“You got a pool?” she asked.
“Yeah,” he smiled. “Wanna sit by the pool?” the walking death boy slurred at June. He looked in her direction, but not at her. June felt like he had crossed over the line of common decency. He was kinda creepy in a menacing sort of way. He had leered at her.
“I guess,” she answered still trying to be polite. “Lemme bum a smoke Karen,” she said as they walked out into the cool night air. Karen stepped lightly through the sliding glass door after them. All the lights were on outside. June felt like she stood onstage. She saw a shadow move across the upstairs window.
“Up there,” June whispered to Karen as she lit the cigarette. The two sisters stood looking at the upstairs window. “Let’s go get her,” June said through a puff of smoke.
The skinny kid plopped down in a lounge chair facing the two girls.
“Nuh-uh. I’m not goin’ up there,” Karen said nervously.
“I didn’t drive all the way out here for nothing- to be insulted by that bitch. Let’s go get it,” June insisted.
“No.” Karen turned to the kid who wasn’t even looking at her. “She’ll bring it down. You told her we were here, right?” she asked the kid who had already started rolling another joint.
“Yep.”
“I don’t want to wait all night for her to come down here. “She’s up there.” June pointed at the window with the cigarette, “Let’s go up there.”
“I knew this would happen. I knew it,” Karen whispered. “Why can’t you just keep your mouth shut? I told you not to say anything.”
“I haven’t said anything, yet.”
“Let me handle this,” Karen said impatiently.
“Why’d you call me then?” It was already starting; she knew it was happening again.
“Shut up.”
Here we go thought June.
Karen didn’t answer.
Why’d she make that call?
“Why don’t you,” he said to Karen, “go get her,” and he pulled June down beside him, “ and you can stay down here with me.”
Karen gave him the look, “I don’t think so,” and she turned to look up at the window again.
The skinny dude’s head had begun nodding, and then he said to June, “Say, don’t I know you?” He paused as a smile slid itself across his face, “Oh yeah,” he kept nodding slowly; “I met you over at your sister’s birthday party. I got thrown in the pool. Tony pushed you in too.” He smirked jerking his head back. “Good times.” He grinned like the Cheshire cat.
“I remember.” June said blowing him off, rubbing her wrist. “What’s the story with Tania?”
He stared at the lights in the pool. “Dunno.”
He held the joint towards her and she took a hit and handed it back. “What was in that joint? I feel weird.”
Karen looked at the upstairs window then turned slightly towards her sister with her eyes wide, her head nodding in the direction of the upstairs window. “You need t’ go potty?” she asked -pleading wordlessly for June to say yes.
June tried to focus on what she had said to her, but Karen’s face was melting down her blue sweater, and her lips were on fire. “I …feel… drunk.” June pushed her self up and tried to get off the chair but sher arms, legs, and body weren’t moving. They weren’t attached to her body any more. It was as if she suddenly stepped outside of herself and was standing behind her body watching Karen’s face melting. The skinny kid reached for her arm, and tried to catch June as she made a feeble move to stand up.
“Whoa, there, don’t try and get up so soon,” he said, as he pulled her back down on the lounge chair.
June watched herself all wobbly legged as she was trying to stand up. Her legs turned to rubber. “I can’t lalk.” She heard someone say. She first became scared, then started laughing. “I can’t lalk! I can lalk…walk, I mean, I fell drunk.” She laughed, “ I feel drunk.” She had felt someone start to pull the top of her t-shirt to let out some heat. “I’m sooo hot.” She looked down, she saw her hands on her t-shirt, then went back into her body. “What’s wrong with me?” Her head rolled back and forth as her lips kept moving. She thought she was speaking, but no sounds came out. The skinny death kid just told her to stay , stay, stay.
Karen shouted, “June? June are you ok?”
June had lain back on the lounge chair and felt herself falling like Alice in Wonderland through a dark hole, turning, turning, turning. She turned and looked at Karen whose melting face had turned into a fly. Her large purple eyes shifting back and forth as she buzzed.“Get her some water!” she yelled at the death boy.
“Get it yourself,” he said. “I’m too high.”
“What did you do to my sister/”
“PCP, that’s all. Not much. It’s cool. She can stay down here with me.”
“Horse tranquilizer? You laced it with horse tranquilizer? Get up, June. Get up.” June tried but she her legs wouldn’t work. “Gimme a minute.”
“Sure,” she said throwing up her arms. She was not happy. She took June by the arm. She staggered left to right then right to left, “Let’s get some water and splash it on your face.”
“We’ll be right back,” June got up and went back inside quickly heading straight for the stairs.
Karen grabbed her arm. “Don’t June,” as they leaned against the wall at the bottom of the stairs.
June shook her away. “N-o-o-o, I’m fine. All she has to do is give us the tube, and we’re outta here.”
Karen looked into June’s bloodshot eyes. “You’re sure you’re ok?”
“I’m fucked up, but not as bad as I was. I’m ok.”
“OK. We’re here. We might as well get what we came for. Are you sure you’re OK?”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, it’s wearing off. I only took one hit.” I feel fuzzy, but I’m OK.” June went up two stairs at a time just to prove it. Karen watched her feet to see if there was any wobbliness in her walk. June walked like she was pissed thought Karen. She stood behind June outside the closed door. Inside they heard people laughing.
“Hi,” June said as she opened the door. A big fat woman with a large gap between her teeth slid something under the couch. Tania sat next to her looking like she thought she was the Queen of Sheba. The fat lady smiled liked she’d been caught doing something, and she smeared her red lipstick across her teeth like she just made a kill in the wild. What a beast thought June. Thank God I didn’t see her downstairs. She’d’ve scared the shit out of me.
June didn’t like the fat lady’s teeth, or her smile, and she didn’t like Tania either. Both of them didn’t do anything to alleviate the situation either by the way they had been staring at June and Karen. They turned and looked at each other and burst out laughing at Karen and June. June just stared at Tania. “You let your hair grow out. I didn’t know you dyed it.” Tania rolled her eyes at the fat lady with the gaping teeth like she was lame. June looked at them. They both wore white pants. Both too tan. They sat there and didn’t say anything as they leaned back on the couch. They grew silent.
June looked out the window. The skinny death kid was still sitting outside. June thought that maybe Tania made them go out there just so she could watch. Bitch.
“We just came over to pick up the tube,” June said trying to be nice for her sister’s sake.
Just then Tania’s husband, Tony came in with two guys and a deep silence engulfed the room like the ice age. “What’s goin’ on?” he asked as if we were burglars.
June felt surrounded.
Tania said, “They want the tube,” pointing at June. The fat bitch laughed. They obviously talked about it. Dumb ass can’t even get the girl straight.
“Go downstairs,” he said to Karen. “The boy’ll get it for ya,” he said motioning with a fat cigar in his sausage fingers to one of the men in a shiny grey sharkskin suit. Both men left. Karen started walking downstairs like a zombie.
Tony stood blocking the doorway with his fat stomach. His white shirt was half-unbuttoned exposing his hairy burnt chest dripping with gold chains. June turned sideways to squeeze by. He puffed up his chest like some animal. He laughed in her face when she dropped her head. She felt his breath move her hair. He stared after her as she walked down the stairs. He followed after her. She felt defeated. He knew it.
When June had got downstairs he let out a yell at his kids sitting on the couch next to Karen to get the hell out of the living room, and then pointed with his lit cigar to June and then couch, “SIT!”
Yes mas’sir. June sat like a dog. She hated him, his kids, his wife, his whole house of fucking assholes. She grabbed Karen’s purse and took out a cigarette. Karen sat by her looking wildly from wall to wall praying they’d get out of there alive. June prayed for revenge. She hated being insulted.
The two young men came back in with the tube -one shaking the gold chains on his wrists, and the other fixing his tie in his reflection in the picture window. Skinny Death Boy was still out there tripping. June covered her lips with one hand and asked Karen, “What’s with these guys?”
She covered her mouth, one finger alongside her nose, “Coke,” she whispered.
“Great. Thanks.” I smiled. The Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee twins were body guards. Think she could’ve told me this before?
Tony came in the room and handed something to one of the men, and walked straight towards June, took a big hit off his cigar; and pushed the hot end towards her face.
“So,” he said leaning in so that she smelled his hair oil, “You think you’re tough eh?”
“Sometimes.” Not now. She straightened up.
Karen stood up, she wanted to die. “You sit,” he said to her pointing to a chair opposite her sister. She sat down quietly
He kept at June. “You come in here, upset my beautiful wife, make me yell at my kids, fuck up my day, for what? For a lousy god dam fifty cent piece of shit you been buggin’ me for for a year?”
“I…”
“Shut your pussy face right now before I get mad,” he said red-faced and angry.
June looked at her sister. Thank you, Karen.
“Ha ha.” See?” he said to the other guys, “See what I mean?” He pointed to June. “It don’t take much to scare the shit out of them. Ha ha. Look at her. See, call ‘em a pussy, and they pussy out.” He turned back to June. “Huh? Don’t you?” he said loudly. Her cheeks got flaming shit head red, but she said nothing. They had to get out of the house.
Tweedle Dee gave the tube to Karen. Her eyes sparkled with fear. She didn’t say a word as she stood up slowly, “Uh…I don’t want to seem rude, but…uh…”
“Rude?” he bellowed, “Rude? You aint the one that’s rude. It’s this one here with her red cheeks. She’s rude. Aint you?” His cigar came closer to June’s face. She felt the heat and pulled back a little. She didn’t answer. It would have made it worse .He grabbed her cheeks and pushed her back on the couch.
“I…” June popped backwards off the couch then back up to a sitting position, but she didn’t get to finish her sentence. Twiddle Dum jumped across the room, and back handed her once across the mouth. June felt her lip split open. Blood dripped down June’s t-shirt like hot wax rolling down a lopsided candle. She pinched her lip with her blood stained shirt. Blood drops fell like tears that she was not going to let fall from her eyes. The blood would have to do. June looked down. There was blood everywhere. Then, at that moment, she promised herself that she would get revenge. She looked around. Karen was scared into silence. June quickly sized up the place, the guards, and Tony. Tania didn’t bother to come down and watch the show, thought June. How very polite of her. She looked up and saw the kids laughing though the banister upstairs. They saw her and ran away. June didn’t see any dogs around- except Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. They had been smirking at how suddenly silent June and her sister had become, and then they looked at Tony. Tony smiled. He felt satisfied. Then his black eyes seemed to cloud over again -“Now get the fuck out my house,” he yelled, “And don’t you ever come back!”
Karen had stepped forward and in one motion grabbed June with one arm and her purse with the other and dragged her out of the room.
As they walked out the front door, June stopped and turned breaking Karen’s grip, and grabbed the doorjamb, and stood on her tiptoes to yell, “Hey! Let’s do a power lunch!” Her teeth were stained red.
Karen pushed her out the door. “Shut up!”
Tony laughed, “Ha ha. You got a sense of humor. That’s good. That’s real good.” He turned to Tweedle Dum, “She should keep it,” he laughed first, and then his boys laughed, too.
“Keep yours too,” she said wiping her lip on the bloody shirt shirt.
“Bye. Thanks,” Karen said weakly waving her fingers good-bye while she shut the front door. As soon as they stood outside Karen got pissed. “I told you not t’ say anything!” Look at your mouth!”
“You should’ve told me,” June said. “Do you think it would be important for me to know that the shithead was a drug dealer- with body guards?” June spit bubbles of frothing blood on the stoop.
When June and Karen got in the car they didn’t say anything to each other. All the way home June held onto her pulsating lip that kept thumping like a war drum beating with every heart beat: revenge, revenge, revenge. June pulled up in front of Karen’s house. Karen got out of the car and slammed the door. She didn’t look back, and went straight inside. June took off with her tires screeching. She knew it was going to end like this. It always did. Always. And always it was June’s fault. It ain’t over until the fat Tony sings thought June.
She drove back to Tony’s that night. She turned off her lights, cut the motor, and cruised to a stop outside the pool where she waited an hour after the lights went out. She hopped the fence. She tossed all the chlorine tablets she could find into a bucket and poured twelve large cans of Draino on top of them and tossed it in the pool. So much for humor, she thought as she walked back to her car. Hope he thinks it’s funny.
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stephw reviewed Version 4 -
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I like your beginning, the conversation develops the characters and starts the p[lot moving right away but I think the first paragraph should jump right into the dialogue instead of describing it. That would make it even stronger, as well as moving the story along faster.
“the words came squeezing out of Karen’s clenched teeth like snakes out a toothpaste tube” love this image!!
But right after that the dialogue gets too repetitive, you need to tighten it up or speed it along.
Then when she thinks back to all the times Karen’s asked for her help, this is repeptitive from a few paragraphs before. A stronger way to do this would be to describe in a flashback the last time Karen asked for her help, showing what happened.
Do you want Karen to be sympathetic? She seems really whiny and needy, which makes it hard to understand why June would even WANT to help her. Is Karen her sister? I got the impression she was, and that would make sense as to why she was
IMO the cursing should be cut out of the main narration of the story, but keep it in the dialogue. It makes sense for the characters to curse, but not for you, as omniscient narrator.
Overall I think the action works well, but you need to get your characters developed more in your mind to better understand their motivations and get that across to your readers. Good luck I look forward to seeing a rewrite.
Some more good description when June gets stoned. I don’t really understand why she takes a hit off the guy’s dope, she doens’t know him, she should be the “smart one” here taking care of Karen, to me it would make more sense for Karen to get messed up and June to have to take care of her as usual. It would still bea bad consequence of them being there. It also seems like she recovers way too fast from that, but if it were KAREN who got stoned, she could be rolling around on the floor totally out of it for exmaple while June is negotiating with Tony. That would make the situation much more stresseful for June.
I also personally think that you should change her name from June to something stronger to go with her personality. It doesn’t fit, IMO, the name June reminds me of a grandmother type it seems wrong. Maybe Jen instead of June.
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JaneLloyd reviewed Version 4 -
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all the while pretending to listen while she sprinkled
listen, while Also watch the repetition of while
and again she had the feeling
and, again,
Sleazy thought June.
Sleazy, thought
After a while he came back in
while, he
I’m sure mine are too thought June as she looked around.
too, thought
one hit.” I feel fuzzy, but I’m OK.”
remove the extra “
What a beast thought June
beast, thought
I like this little story! At the beginning we assume that June is the mature, more responsible sister but by the end she seems to be a bit more immature than Karen. This is very amusing, great job!
Owl_Light reviewed Version 3 -
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Your economic writing style makes me think of Bob Hoskins’ commentary to Roger Rabbit.The writing was simple, punchy and easy to follow. There were no problems with trying to remember a character’s name. You handle dialogue easily.
On the down side the the joint smoking added nothing to the story. It just seemed like unnecessary padding. Perhaps you could pad the story out with description instead. Maybe there was an unusual plant growing. Maybe there were some cannabis plants somewhere. That would give a reason for the joint smoking. If they suddenly realised you had recognised the wacky baccy plants, then they would offer you a joint to make sure you weren’t going to grass on them. (gaah! the pun)
Perhaps if you said that the thingy was irreplaceable or expensive the story would be more believable.
malapropist reviewed Version 3 -
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This is a weird story. The characters are kind of flat and apathetic, but consistently so, so it’s interesting. The premise that drives the plot is odd, a really weird MacGuffin that serves it purpose, though I think you could revise to make it work a little more effectively. The end, like the rest of the story, left me ambivalent, and I respect that you were able to keep the tone consistent throughout. This read like a story David Lynch might write.
Here are my specific concerns:
1. Writing in dialect is tricky. It’s often used to show that someone is an outsider to the narrator, that the way they talk is foreign to the narrator’s ear. Since it’s first person, talking in dialect doesn’t make sense. I’d abandon it and write with conventional spelling. You won’t lose anything from the piece.
2. The middle of page 2 to the middle of page 4 is really static. Nobody says or does anything important. It needs some action. The narrator fixates on the pot-smoking “death boy,” so he’s an opportunity for development.
3. Nothing is at stake. This makes sense for characters who are apathetic, but it makes the story a little loose and doesn’t keep the reader engaged like it could. Look at either making Karen really want that tube or making the people in the house more menacing. If you think of this as a David Lynch type of story, look at making the periphery characters more bizarre. You start with that tendency when the narrator gives everyone a nickname, but you can push it more. Make them weirder.
I liked this story after I thought about it for a while. Interesting style. Good job.
jaked212 reviewed Version 3 -
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this is boring, but I’ve read much worse
strikedotdot reviewed Version 3 -
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The beginning catches the attention and one wants to continue.
I’d suggest that you write down fully “to go” or “don’t you”, instead of “why don’chu go t’ her house”. It somehow slows down the pace, although I can see your point. Otherwise the dialogues are easy to read, it’s good.
The character of the thin guy living with Tanya was also well described. I could clearly imagine the way he would look.
Overall, the idea was clear, and the end leaves one satisfied.
Thank you.
KJEghdami reviewed Version 1 -
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When writing for possible publication, it’s best to type out the entire word rather than just a quick fix. Instead of typing ‘OK’ try using ‘okay.’ Also, you need to go back and look at punctuation. There weren’t excessive errors here, but enough to be distracting. It’s a unique writing style, I’ll give you that, and so it kept me entertained and focused on the story.
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