Thanks, Tola! I agree with you regarding using the girlfriend’s name to make it hit home a bit more. I have a little more of Chapter One up if you’d like to read it.
Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / Invisible Enemy (Analysis)
Anbar Province, Iraq
So this is what death feels like. Ryan lay on his back and tried to blink several times. Everything around him was black. He tried to focus on his surroundings. Was that a scream? No. It was just the echo of the explosion ringing in his ears. The smell of smoke invaded his nostrils and he could feel flames begin to lick his skin. They grabbed at his legs and tried to pull him closer. He felt hollow and alone.
I can’t die like this. Not in a country that isn’t mine…for a war I never wanted to fight. Not without saying goodbye to my girlfriend and family. I have to make it out of here.
Ryan dug his fingernails into the hot, desert sand and struggled to lift his head from the ground. That was the last thing he remembered.
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peter_sitkowski reviewed Version 1 -
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The plot seems like it could head in a great direction and although this is only a brief exerpt, I can still see the emotions and character of Ryan in his thoughts. It is a bit stoppy and starty, you have too many fullstops in there, you need to utilise the power of the COMMA! Haha.
Also, some imagery could be improved to make it a more interesting read. Even some small edits could make it play nicely in the mind.
‘The smell of smoke invaded his nostrils’ is rather nice – the next line could be slightly altered to read
‘He could feel the sizzle of embers on his skin as the flames licked at his feet, trying to drag him into the fires seering belly’
Or something similar. Personification is a fantastic tool when writing, especially about things like fire and water, which move in such smooth motions.
Great stuff, keep it up – its different from everything I have read on here and I like that!
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Tola reviewed Version 1 -
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Good opening, easy to read, sets the scene well. I definitely wanted to read more. There were a few things I thought would make it better. I think you could have stayed in Ryan’s head a bit longer at the beginning of the story. Something like ‘So this is what death feels like. Hollow. This is what death looks like. Black.’ Then you could have described his surroundings, the explosion, the screams. Also his interior monologue might be better at the end. Have him digging his fingernails in the sand, crawling away and saying to himself, I can’t die like this etc (note that he would not think of his girlfriend as ‘my girlfriend’, he would think of ‘Jane’ or ‘Holly’ or whatever her name is). The final punch would be much stronger that way round. Overall, good though. Keep going, keep going, keep going.
pjwilson reviewed Version 1 -
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Candidly, I believe you might have something worth writing here. My proposal is this: You should obliterate the initial six sentences and begin your narrative with sentence seven, or you can effectively begin your story with Ryan’s quote. Hook your spectators early and habitually throughout. I hope to read more of this. Good luck!
MrJawbreakingEquilibrium reviewed Version 1 -
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Definitely grippin so far. Kind of disappointed that it ended there. I was looking for the Next button and hoping that my computer just didn’t download it yet. Yeah, keep going. I want to see more.
You seem like you have a good grip in imagery and detail. Move it, me want more. Let’s see what your made of.
aqriusldy09 reviewed Version 1 -
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The opening line was very captivating and well-written. It invoked questions in my mind, such as What is happening? etc. The opening scene caused me to imagine or envision the imagery in your story. I kept picturing Ryan lying somewhere and fire being around him. This is an excellent opening scene.
The story needs to be edited due to a few grammatical errors. Otherwise, it is brilliantly written overall.
Amara reviewed Version 1 -
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Okay. Diving right into this:
“Everything around him was black. He tried to focus on his surroundings…”
-Maybe consider “Everything around him was black AS he tried to focus on his surroundings.”
I think the first few sentences have too many period breaks and having to stop and start that many times made me a little disinterested in the story.
Maybe try to focus more on his surroundings… There is a fire? Doesn’t he smell it? Is it hot against him? Can he grasp that sensation yet? What can he see when he “focuses on his surroundings”? Are there people around? Bodies? Dying men of war calling out?
I think you can further expand on this piece a lot. Try to close your eyes and imagine every tiny detail of this man’s world… and then write it, word for word. The biggest piece of advice I have been given as a writer, is that there are two things that you never leave a hair out of place on… One is sex. The other is war. Everyone wants to know the details of the dirty stuff.
So with that said, I wish you luck in your writing adventure, because I think you are on to something here.
Have a safe and Happy Holidays.
Yodec reviewed Version 1 -
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A little short. That’s all I see from that end. Very mysterious…and a good hook for your novel.
Although:
“No. It was just the echo of the explosion ringing in his ears.”
It should be:
“No, it was just the echo of the explosion ringing in his ears.”
Then again, I think either way it works, just the fact that the second one looks better.
JaneLloyd reviewed Version 1 -
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One edit, I think I would italicize the first sentence as that seems to be his thoughts as well. (So this is what death feels like)
I like that you have the place listed at the top (Anbar Province, Iraq). By telling us he’s in Iraq you really don’t have to say much to elicit emotional responses from your reader because we know enough about Iraq that just the word of it gives us a certain feeling and setting.
There are two other neats things I thought you did. One was that everything was black around him and he tried to focus on his surroundings. These two together could mean, obviously, a fire, but they could also be if he got struck on the head and was struggling to remain conscious and just misinterpreting his situation. I also like when the author leaves up the possibility that the narrator is wrong.
The second piece was “They grabbed at his legs and tried to pull him closer.” which also made me think that it wasn’t the flames that were grabbing him but maybe a comrade trying to pull him closer. Also there’s a third possibility that he could even be home, reliving this in a dream and it could be dark cause the lights are out, he’s in bed, his wife is pulling him closer to her.
Overall I’d say it was really good. Just by reading it closely I was able to come up with three different possibilities for what was going on to him and that’s a good thing because it means you didn’t write a linear story where I’m told everything but rather you created a scenario that I get to figure out as well. Great job, I can’t wait to see where this leads.
Projectprodigy reviewed Version 1 -
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It was good, I want to read your story but give a little more to guess over, the fire on the sand, was it a chopper crash? a base in flames? hmmmm however you did get the thought right, I wonder how many people thought that as they died. Overall its good.
tvirusjunkie23 reviewed Version 1 -
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This was a good piece. However, you should develop it into something more.
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