Nice take on the story. Thanks for the words.
Short Story / The Cake
It’s just a cake--
Thick with chocolate frosting,
Trimmed with heavy braids of whipped cream piping,
Studded with sweet glossy cherries.
And the bakers are beside themselves
Because people walk up to the window and stare brazenly.
And the remarks:
“Check it out!”
“My God, that looks good enough to eat!”
“I wouldn’t say no.”
Some folks pass by paying little or no attention
Because they have no sweet tooth
Or because their own fine cake waits at home.
But many of them stand there all day,
Acting as though they’d never seen a cake before.
Others walk into the store,
Act casual, mildly disinterested.
Then they stick their dirty finger in and
Grab a little crème
As if they have a right.
Once
A fellow driven mad with sugar lust
Ran in, ripped the cake from its display and
Bit and chewed and swallowed
Before three burly decorators subdued him.
They managed to save the cake
With gentle repair and fresh frosting
But it was never really the same.
And so the bakers rage
And protest.
“Can’t a beautiful cake appear in public without being
Gawked at,
Mauled,
Or molested?”
The magistrate steps in,
Looking old and wise,
Like Lionel Barrymore
And Spencer Tracy
And Charles Laughton
All at once.
He asks,
“Would you prefer the customers go away?”
“Well, no,” they reply.
“We want them to come in;
Buy our rolls and our loaves and our cookies...
But leave our cake alone.”
“Then perhaps,” he says, with a grin and a twinkle in his eye,
Not unlike we’ve seen from countless wise old cinematic codgers,
“You should think about taking your cake out of the window.”
“Why should we?” they fume.
“We have a right.”
“But if it’s a problem,” Hizzoner reasons,
“Perhaps it would behoove you
To keep it behind the counter
And bring it out only when
You see a customer
You deem cake-worthy.”
The bakers grumble,
Take the cake
And set it back in the window
Along with a sign that reads,
“By appointment only.”
We bystanders
Not involved in this tiny drama
Simply shake our heads
And enjoy our ice cream.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
prettyladykatt reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I’m not sure this would qualify as a short story, to me it reads much more like a poem. The flow and rhythm of the words is very nice and easy to read.
The only part that confused me was mentioning the name Hizzoner, it was not mentioned but once, unless I misunderstood something, and while reading I wasn’t sure who Hizzoner was. Was he one of the bakers? Was he the man who looked like Lionel Barrymore? Either way it stuck out a little in an otherwise very clear story.
I liked the ironic ending the best, during the entire story everyone one is making a huge deal out of the perfect cake, but at the end everyone outside laughs at the cake and instead eats ice cream. I prefer ice cream myself, and I think it was easy to relate and see the humor.
Overall, good job.
- add/view comments (1)
Skullk3y reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
A very amusing topic, and very well described. The clarity is high, and the details are great.
sushiearl reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I liked. I couldn’t help but smile as I read it. I like’d how you incorporated so much dialogue in a story less than 400 words. Usually people spend that time writing about the scenery. THis short story is very unboring
Brazen reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Cake eaters beware! I never started liking cake until I was about seven or eight. This poem was a hilarious picture into the little shop who held this glorious cake only to see it raped mentally and physically by the masses. I’m not sure what the cake is a symbol of, but one could be a beautiful woman who dresses only in the highest fashion, which for some reason means provocative, and is constantly being stared at. She doesn’t mind the attention, but at the same time she is concerned for her safety. People warn her and ask her to tone down her sexy attire, but she asks why shouldn’t she feel safe and sexy at the same time? Eventually she gives in and dresses down to drive away the unwanted attention and the gay men just watch and laugh. This is how I interpret it, but as I said it can be seen in many different ways.
gravelpup reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Clever. Is it a poem or a short story? Great imagery, but could probably be cut down 100 words and pack more punch. Myself, I’d like to have my cake and eat it too :)
scottlyon2003 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Very clever! You did a great job with the form, starting off with the enticement of the cake, a description of the admirers, hooking the reader so they stick it out for the moral at the end. Skillful execution!
The only advice I can give are the nitpicking mental sticking points:
“But many of them stand there all day” – whether you’re referring to chocolatey goodness or other sweetness, “all day” seems a bit hyperbolic. What about standing there for “far too long” or something more relative and less quantified?
“Or because their own fine cake waits at home” – I understand what you’re trying to convey, but I’m not sure it translates in this case. Even if I had a whole kitchen full of cakes at home, that wouldn’t make me ignore an otherwise beautiful cake. You might convert this thought instead into a commentary on those who have delicious cake at home, but who still salivate just a tad at the thought of a treat they’ve yet to try, something “different.”
Honestly, I’d leave out the last four lines. The wit of “By appointment only” is a very strong ending by itself. Also, the “ice cream” reference just sticks out and forces the reader to try to figure out what it refers to. You’re probably better leaving the reader thinking about the merits of modesty than puzzling out a brand new allusion (just my $0.02).
Excellect job! I look forward to reading more!
Brian reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Very cute story, I think this was supposed to remind me of all those young ladies recieving unwanted advances due to their choice in clothing/appearance (though it could just be about cake). I love the description of the majestrate “The magistrate steps in,
Looking old and wise,
Like Lionel Barrymore
And Spencer Tracy
And Charles Laughton
All at once.”
specifically the addition of Charles Laughton, very amusing that there are two relatively handsome men, and then the Hunchback of Notre Dame.
This is a fragment: “Others walk into the store,
Act casual, mildly disinterested.”
The other thing to consider changing is the section about the man who comes in to devour the cake…. This could read as a rape scene which is interesting for such a light hearted piece. Now, I may be way off base in my interp. however if I am not, you may want to reconsider that part.
derekosborne reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
So, the analogy is strong, the lesson clear, the social commentary fun. It feels incomplete because you are balancing between to forms. Either it’s a narrative poem or a short story; right now it is both and neither. I applaud the effort.
You are clever enough to extend some of the narrative. The piece starts out strong and focused, but gets a bit weak when you speak of the cinema graphic reference and placing the cake behind the window. Also, since you are using free verse, why break up the line as in:
“Then perhaps,” …… in his eye,
You will also need to set up the fact that the cake is a permanent display; else the sweet-mad raider does not make sense. One line will do it.
Then, the last four lines lack the sense of lyric and humor fond in the beginning. The image is clear enough, just not as elegant as what came before. This feels to me like a solid first draft, waiting for the author to make up his/her mind as to what it will become.
Jedikid129 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
HAHAHA I am laughing out loud. NICE ENDING! You took a normal situation and gradually escalated till it was ridiculous (By appointment hahaha!). I Love this story 10/10/10 and favorited
Johato reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Hi
Ah! You can watch your cake but you can’t eat it. How true. Nice little strudle of a story with interesting filling. A few comments.
“It’s just a cake--” - do you need the “just”? Because it isn’t “just”.
“Then they stick their dirty finger in and” - not sure about the “dirty”, a little prejorative?
“Not unlike we’ve seen from countless wise old cinematic codgers,” – don’t think you need this line at all.
Thanks for the read.
Showing 1 - 10 of 24
Next →
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Ratings & Rankings
