Thanks for the review, and I mean that. I was starting to wonder if any of the humor was coming through. Excellent point on turning on the light. I do have a good fortune cookie. It reads: The Delivery kid licked your egg roll. Have a nice day!
j
Novel Treatments / F%#@-Up Fairytale Chapter 1 (Analysis)
Prologue
Once upon a time (about 9 minutes and forty-seven seconds ago)in a land far, far and away (the corner of West Fairy-Second Street and Sugar Plum Lane to be precise) stood a beautiful princess, a woman without compare in beauty or sweetness. Every one in the land loved her, from the most villainous villain to the wickedest of witch.
“Hello there.” The princess smiled at a bluebird pecking at a bit of gravel on the sidewalk. “Aren’t you a pretty bird?” The bluebird chirped, dancing around the beautiful princess, its tiny claws scratching against the pavement as it did summersaults.
The princess laughed, a high feminine laugh of pure delight. The bird paused to listen, and then continued its aerobatic tricks. Oh what a lovely day, she thought, bending down to run her naturally, perfectly manicured hand over the brightly plumed bird.
Yes, it was a lovely day. Too bad, it was also her last. Sadly, the princess never saw the Fairy-Second Street Crosstown bus.
Chapter 1
“Crisis intervention,” I said, waving my arm around the Easter egg colored hallway of my four-story walkup on the edge of the Easter Village. “PTSD? What the hell is that?”
A teen with spiked green hair and seven facial piercings nodded, holding out a grease-stained paper bag. The aroma of Red Curry Noodles from Villainous Van’s Corner Bistro floated in the air between us.
“What is the Union thinking?” I shook my head, running a hand through my already rumbled black hair. “Mandatory mental health leave? Are they afraid I’ll go postal or something?” This made little sense since I didn’t even work at the post office.
“Listen, Mac,” the teen said to me. My name wasn’t Mac, or anything that resembled the name Mac. Not that it mattered to the kid. Surprisingly with all the holes in his face, he managed to stay focused on one thing. “The total’s ten fifty. Either pay me, or I’ll feed your dinner to the rats.” The kid motioned to the furry creatures dressed in tiny felt hats that roamed my darkened hallway. I rolled my eyes, muttered something about kid’s today, and dug into my jeans for some cash.
“Don’t forget my tip,” the kid added.
I’d give the little shit a tip; I thought smashing the exact change into his hands and snatching the paper bag from him. My boot kicked the door closed, and I laughed at the small yelp reverberating from behind the closed door.
A few seconds later, the kid said, “Thanks mister.” He sounded happy, which made me unhappy.
Shit.
I yanked a wad of bills from my pocket, a wad considerably lighter than it had been a minute ago. I pulled open the door, and watched the teen practically tap dance down the hallway, a crisp hundred-dollar bill clutched in his hands.
“Damn it,” I yelled, kicking the door closed. “I can’t take much more.” I’d been out of work, suspended without pay, for six days. Six long days. Six days of fluffy bunnies and happy thoughts. The worse part was, no matter what I did, it turned out...good...nice.
Take yesterday for example. I’m walking down the avenue, minding my own business, when a little old lady calls out, “Son, would you mind helping me carry this package? It’s a basket of cookies for my granddaughter. She’s five....”
On and on she went.
And rather than telling her to shut up and snatching her cookie basket, I found myself lugging twenty pounds of cookies for four blocks while exchanging recipes with the demented old dame.
What kind of villain did that?
If I wasn’t reinstated to the Villain’s Union soon, I’d lose my mind. I hated being nice, even more than I hated helping people. But the Union had voted, and I would remain on ‘nice’ leave until they deemed me fit for bad guy duty.
Feeling sorry for myself and hungry to boot, I shelped across my living room, and dropped down in my favorite chair.
My favorite chair screamed in response.
“Wha--?” I flipped on the lamp, startled to see a redhead in tight black leather, glaring at me from my seat. Her vivid emerald eyes sparkled with anger.
“Don’t you look before you sit?” Her lips curled into a frown, which only added to her beauty. She looked like sin, the dirty kind with plenty of sweat and saliva. Long copper hair curled down her shoulders, cupping the outline of her d-cupped breasts. The rest of her body was just as smoking, with long muscular limbs and a heart-shaped caboose.
“Who the hell are you?” I pointed the greasy bag in her direction and before I could stop her, she lifted it from my fingers. I watched in amazement as the trespassing interloper dove into my curry noodles with the gusto of Goldilocks after a bout of bulimia.
“Hey,” I stabbed my finger her way. “That’s my dinner.” I would’ve snatched the cartoon of food back, but I was afraid to lose a finger.
After a few minutes of gluttony, she paused to glance my way. “Sorry, but I’m starving. I haven’t eaten since five.”
I glanced at my watch and frowned. “That was like forty-five minutes ago.”
“Really?” She cocked her head to the side, showing off the pale skin of her throat. “It feels like an hour at least.”
“While I’d love to chat more about the relativity of time, I’d prefer you tell me exactly who the fuck you are, and how the fuck you got into my apartment?” With each word, my voice grew louder, and my tone grew more dangerous. While I might have lost my villainous powers, I could still make one little redhead cry.
Or not.
“Do you have any soda?” She smiled up at me. “Maybe a diet Pepsi? All that MSG makes me thirsty.”
With an eye roll, I started for my kitchen, pausing to berate my treacherous legs for obeying her command. But I couldn’t help it.
Literally.
I’d do whatever anyone one asked, my own will completely ignored, as long as the requestor’s intent was pure, and after twenty-eight years of living in the Happiest Place on Earth, and I’m not talking Disneyland, guaranteed any request was as pure as Narcoleptic Beauty.
Reluctantly, I opened my refrigerator and popped open the last can of Meade. It would have to appease my uninvited dinner thief. Handing the can to her, I sat on the edge of my coffee table, and waited.
“Thanks,” she said after taking a long drink. Tilting her head, she studied me for a moment. “You’re not what I expected.”
“Oh, and what exactly did you expect?”
“Someone taller.” She frowned. “What are you? Six foot?”
I nodded.
“What’d you weigh? Sixteen stones?”
Again, I nodded.
She shook her head. “Puny.”
“Hey--” Six-foot, two hundred pounds was not puny, not by a long shot. Moreover, I was as fit as Hey, Diddle Diddle’s Fiddle. In my line of work, it paid to be, with all that running from angry mobs with pitchforks, and such.
“No offense.” Her lips lifted into a smirk. “Maybe you could bulk up for the job? Eat more.”
Rage flashed through my bloodstream like a boiling cauldron. “Eat more?” I strangled out, my eyes burning into my nearly empty carton of curry noodles, and back at the redhead with a dollop of curry on her upper lip. What I should’ve said was: job? What job? But I didn’t. I blame my dropping blood sugar for the mistake.
The redhead grinned, lifting the nearly empty carton my way. “Oh, was this your dinner? There’s an egg roll left.” As she said those words, her eyes eyed the greasy cabbage roll, almost as if debating eating it.
I grabbed the egg roll, crammed it in my mouth, and spewed leafy green strands at her as I repeated my earlier question. “Who the hell are you? And why are you here?”
“My name’s Asia.” She paused, her eyes boring into my own. Don’t say it, my brain begged, but just like a woman, she said it anyway. “I need your help.”
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
crayonmustache reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
This 242 word review has not been unlocked.
raindragon16 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I laughed out loud at the beginning. Your story is witty, fun and amusing. It’s like you took Shrek, Hoodwinked, and some twisted imagination to put together an interesting vision of a fairy tale. I love the thought of a Villain Union and a Nice Spell to test their malicious intent. However, when your main character first speaks I would clarify who he is speaking too, I understand it’s not the teenager, but it is unclear. Also, when you use parentheses to further describe the loony locations, I would ditch them. The speaker either says it or doesn’t. Just tweak it a little and it should flow better.
- add/view comments (0)
Iwrite reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Overall I think the character’s voice comes across very nicely. The story is riding a very fine line between making the main character seem like a total jerk and making him a likeable jerk. I think he’s falling on the side of likeable with potential for growth on that side of things. I think what makes this work is when he’s trying to be a jerk by giving the delivery boy a small tip but ends up giving him a hundred instead.
Now I’m going to nit pick things a little. The following is my opinion and I maybe wrong. So take it with a grain of salt.
In the prologue, I don’t think the text explored enough of the princess’s personality. I don’t think there needs to be lot added, just a little bit more flavoring before the big bus of death mows her down.
As for chapter one, I got a little lost as to what was happening right at the beginning. I’m assuming he’s on the phone. At first I thought he was talking to the delivery boy.
Overall, I liked it. It caught my interest and made me want to read on. One small warning. The abrasive nature of the main character can be fun for shorter pieces but be careful not to got overboard with it because in longer pieces it may become annoying. Just be careful that it doesn’t become a case of too much of a good thing.
Otherwise, good job. Keep writing.
slbynum3 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Funny story with a very interesting concept. A villain that has to be nice. I like it. But I don’t understand the purpose of the prologue. It’s about a princess who’s about to get hit by a bus, and then suddenly the next chapter starts with the villain’s horrible life. Other things I noticed:
‘muttered something about kid’s today’ – no apostrophe is needed in kids
‘I shelped across my living room’ – is shelp a word? I couldn’t find it in any dictionary. I believe you meant shlep.
Nice concept here though. I’d like to see where the story’s going. It’s great so far, besides the prologue that seems out of place. But maybe it’s perfect for a story called ‘F%#@-Up Fairytale’.
B_HDouglas reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I almost skipped this because of the title, and am glad I took a chance. I enjoyed this, and am glad I came.
The easter egg colored hallway – brimming with originality, and good to let the reader know what they are in for. Was it appropriate in Easter Village? Definitely. Was your arm “waving around” (in, down) the hallway? left me wondering?
There are references to the 6 day suspension which confuse me. Was he talking to the delivery boy about “mental health leave”, or reading a letter, or just thinking to himself in the hallway? It seems he just got home, since getting his food and flicking on the light? Otherwise Asias presence should have been known?
Villainous Van’s Corner Bistro – original place for Chinese, hilarious.
A union for villains – works great.
“lugging” twenty pounds – great verb for this scene.
“demented old dame” – love that too.
“shelped” typo?
“chair screamed in response” – good, don’t know what to expect, reader stays on toes.
“Wha-?” nice, dash brings in playfulness.
Propose changing “greasy bag” to ‘rapidly aging/decomposing”, since it could only get worse from “grease-stained” which was awesome analogy at first.
“Goldilocks after a bout of bulimia” is brilliant.
“cartoon of food back” typo? maybe (curry soaked carton?) Fairies might be guinea pigs for ‘green’ ideas to save the environment, but will the environment save them?
“not eaten in 45 minutes” lends itself well to the unexpected scene as it is.
“msg makes me thirsty” frankness at the wrong time, only a villain could appreciate it, and then take orders. During the walk to the refrigerator may be a good time for adding story line retrospection as well, seeing as how you have achieved my attention. “That delivery boy is probably getting pierced, and my $100 went for his eighth hole, talk about bad luck” that sort of thing. Maybe he lost it already gambling?
“Handing the can ‘over’ to her” sounds more submissive?
“Tilting her head” – this part adds mystery to Asia, an aura of being above it all somehow.
“Fiddle” is great symbolic usage.
“Boiling cauldron” clever use of timely nouns.
“greasy cabbage roll” maybe “limp”
I see a good fortune cookie here, hope to see more.
Owl_Light reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
The prologue with the bus accident doesn’t seem to fit in.
The story must be a fairytale, only because of the rats with hats. The appearance of the woman in his appartment could be magical but you need to add something to amplify this idea.
The narrator is tall and well built but you don’t say anything else to describe him. He could have taken the wad of bills from his jeans pocket or his suit pocket. Qualify pocket and the reader gets more of a picture. The redhead is described in detail but it’s much more difficult to describe the narrator. For example he could comb his blonde/dirty/thick hair or feel his shaven/unshaven chin/moustache or look in a mirror etc. I’m imagining Bob Hoskins but probably because the narrative reminds me of Roger Rabbit.
The redhead seems quite a bland character. Could you give her some more interest besides her appetite? A tremble, a wound, a scar, bad breath, raunchy perfume, steady gaze, nervous twitch..?
Nice easy style.
Write on.
Russell_Parkway reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
There wasn’t much in terms of edits, aside from the:
I’d give the little shit a tip; I thought smashing. . . you don’t put semi-colons. Since you’re writing from the narrator’s point of view, we already know what’s going on in his head, so you don’t even need to mention the “I thought” tag.
The first few things I was wondering was what’s the narrator’s name, how old he is. I need to be able to draw a picture of him in my mind. So far I know that he’s depressed and upset, but it’s not enough for me to care to read more. I’m sure I could like the character, but right now I’m not sure what to think after what I’ve read.
One suggestion, drop the prologue. Although it’s humorous, it doesn’t add to anything and I fail to see how it connects to chapter one. This is a crucial space for character development in order to hook the reader.
Showing 1 - 7 of 7
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
7 Reviews 12 Comments
Version 1
Latest Activity: 11 months ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 9 Times
Skipped: 2 Times
Ratings & Rankings
