Poetry / Summer Storm
Like a sumo wrestler, it encroaches upon the house.
Thumps of thunder interspersed by quiet.
Too close flashes of electricity sizzle through the trees
as the next whomp of a footfall approaches.
Forceful gusts enter through the back porch
to escape through the squeaking front door.
The shotgun-straight path funnels air quickly
and rattles screens in and out with each push onward.
Behind the house,
over the small lake of the backyard
you feel, hear the power of gathering wind.
It races up the embankment
through Willows and Cedars to
dance with dirty white plastic chairs
leaving them resting in the boughs of bushes.
Over, through, and surrounding the house,
becoming the blustery squeeze of Nature’s hand;
slow to enclose but quick to let go
when the tightest grip is achieved,
there is a whoosh over the roof
that dissipates in the fields and trees
of the front yard.
I in my bed
am spared the brunt of the blows
as I wake to the accumulation of power
encircling the house.
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You have some really wonderful visuals at play here and I can clearly see the scene however there appear to be some sensory elements that are missing or are too thinly veiled.
I love V2 and V3 especially the racing wind up the embankment tossing about dirty plastic chairs. That is one wallop of a storm but V1 doesn’t appear to support that strength or force.
V1 – Sumo Wrestler is graphic but I don’t ever envision one encroaching. They are neither ‘gradual or stealthly’ but lift one leg high and thunder it down, followed by the other, scream and run forcefully headlong into their opponent with a resounding shudder.
V1L2 – consider saying intersperses [the] quiet. also thump? thump? the thunder I hear is more of a rolling rumble like god rolling bowling balls across the heavens.
V1L3 – sizzle is too insipid a word for what these near misses elicit when they bolt, splinter or crack through the trees.
V1L4 – Football; you have introduced a different metaphor. What happened to the Sumo Wrestler?
V2L4 – I would remove ‘in and out’ because rattles does a much finer job of conveying that movement. On my second read through I asked if this person sleeps at night with the front and back doors open? and then wondered if maybe open windows where curtains are being painfully drawn and pressed against the screen only to then billow forward in pregnant burst of… -
V3 – is the backyard a small lake ie. submerged by a deluge of rain? Where is the rain in this piece? or is there really a ‘small lake’ beyond the backyard. I wasn’t sure.
V4 – I lost touch with what is actually moving here…is it still the wind? because in V3 the last thing we see move are the dirty plastic chairs. Again, at first read I thought they were now being flipped over the house. I see now it is the wind, but craved greater initial clarity here.
‘surrounding’ feels redundant since over and through covers quite nicely the act of envelopment.
‘becoming’ – I would suggest scratching since it has already become in the prior verses.
This is off to a really great start and you have lots of wonderful elements at play. I have merely pointed out my personal nit-picks so hope you find them helpful.
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