Thank you very much for the review. I have done a considerable amount of meditation and I’ve had some amazing experiences with it… one in particular that is a bit like what is described, though it was a warmer feeling and time seemed to stop. I haven’t been keeping up with it—maybe the poem is my way of reminding myself to get to it! Thank you again.
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Poetry / Meditation on Dissolution
Meditation on Dissolution
I strip away the cigarette first –
drop the poorly rolled smoke to the cold ground,
watch the bits of Bugler tobacco burn out,
sink into the earth, disappear.
I strip the cold away next,
peel off gusts of bitter wind –
lack of heat merely pain,
pain itself a sensation to subsume.
Now the puffy parka goes,
flung at frozen ground –
with it canvas shoes, a wool sweater,
Levi’s 501s, everything, everything.
The cold earth, too. A clear, pale sky.
That hopping egg of Carolina Wren,
the leafless maple. All vanish
before my outstretched hand.
That hand! That mortal coil.
My sepia body blurs –
brown and white melt together,
dissolve to dust.
Memories must go. Christmas Day, 1975.
I let go of eager moments on the stairs,
bouncing beside my brother in blue pajamas,
filled with hope and glee and wonder.
I release good times and bad –
an awkward teenage backseat fumble,
that English professor’s cutting insight,
my mother’s lifeless hand in mine.
I let go of love last.
It is hard to bear, for wrapped in love
is love of life, and like Sir Gawain
I am willing to deceive to keep it.
In the end love goes, too, and there’s a hum.
I cannot hear it, for I have no ears,
I cannot consider it, for I have no mind –
but it is all the din and beauty that is life.
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jadedpoet reviewed Version 2 -
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Hello,
Wow and wow again, for what a mesmerizing piece. One that actually takes the time to let this beautiful, yet painful piece soak in will reap its rewards. This isn’t poetry; this is a mental sculpture that you have chiseled so perfectly. This style of writing must be noticed and recognized for it pulls such deep emotions from the reader’s soul. You have done a great thing here, alter nothing, and enjoy the fact that you can touch another’s soul. All of what writing true, real poetry is about, I bow to thee. me…
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TinaR2684 reviewed Version 2 -
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That last stanza really got me. A great way to end the poem after the memories and having to let go. Your descriptions were amazing even with name dropping some brands. The last 4 stanzas gave a sense of peace. I’ve been doing a lot of reading on meditation so this piece really hits home to me.
weirdishfriend reviewed Version 2 -
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This surely is artistic merit and expression. The rhythem was a bit off for me, maybe it was just how I read it. I liked the use of such odd words in the beginnning—words we don’t normally use like “puffy parca,” and “subsume.”
Also, as I a teen, I liked this line, “an awkward teenage backseat fumble.” I have something similar to that in one of my poems. Overall, great job! Just another read through to tighten the flow would be the cherry on top for me.
Brian reviewed Version 2 -
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Overall this poem is well written. Your word choice is excellent (minus the last two lines of the second stanza-I didn’t care for the lack of heat = pain). I’m not sure how I feel about the allusion to Sir Gawain, because although he does decieve he is ashamed. I’m not sure that it fits, because Gawain did face his shame/shortcomings, and the other challenges that faced him. In your poem it seeks to “let go” of these events as opposed to resolution. All in all it is a good poem, but could use some sharpening.
andrewsatragedy reviewed Version 2 -
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Pretty good. It took a while for the poem to completely engage me, but once it did, it kept my interest. I feel like the focus is mostly on being descriptive, which i can respect. But it seems as though there’s a story meant to be told by this poem, and there’s definitely a very subtle one. I think there should have been effort put into actually telling the story. Overall, though, I did enjoy it. It was definitely well written, and I wouldn’t say it was flawed… because the way in which it was executed did work, I just feel like it could have worked better had it been handled differently.
Alexandra1995 reviewed Version 2 -
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I couldn’t really relate to this poem. I’m very sorry to say. I’ve treid my best to understand it but nothinmg
Johnsienoel reviewed Version 2 -
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To begin, I love the title, ‘dissolution’ being such a powerful word and working wonderfully with the imagery presented in the poem.
I love the progression from tangible dissolution ‘cigarette’ to intangible ‘love’ and how the metaphor occurs in the cold, reinforcing the emotional wasteland that we typically must be in before we are prepared to strip away that which binds us.
Bulger – is it necessary to be that specific? I see that it is a rolled smoke but being a none smoker all I could see was a wheat product being smoked.
cold – tends to feel redundant; I have a sense you can build a better picture for us: bitter, crisp, cutting, bleak, frigid…I will leave you to your thesaurus.
Overall a really nice piece and unique visual expression.
‘peel off gusts of bitter wind’ – I love this line!
‘but it is all the din and beauty that is life.’ – [all] I think can be deleted.
V2L1 – consider beginning the line with [next] it gives it a more emphatic quality.
V2L4 – I don’t think [pain]is needed on this line since we see it as the last word on the line before.
Prepositions – there are some choices that sound funny to my ear…flung at/to frozen ground – no biggie, merely personal preference I suppose.
peter_sitkowski reviewed Version 1 -
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As always, beautifully written. The imagery of ‘A hopping egg of Carolina wren’ is brilliant.
Although the PowerPoint image doesn’t sit quite right, I still like it and can see the connection to the story and thus, its importance.
The last two stanzas are brilliant ‘I cannot hear it, for I have no ears’ this just reminds me of Gunnar Elekof, a Swedish poet who constantly commentated on blindness; your story telling is on a par with his and that, my friend is a compliment!
Keep reading that Yevtushenko and keep writing your wonderful poems!
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