Poetry / I'd Seduce Your Shadow (But It Wont Look My Way)

I'd Seduce Your Shadow
(But It Won't Look My Way)

The mere shape
Of words
On a white page
Suggest meaning
To desperate eyes

An indifferent face
Can launch
A thousand ghost ships
Laden
With worthless treasure

Sparkling eyes
That insinuate interest
Can be
Consequence
Of an innocent
Yawn

Even hollow hope
Is alluring

It calls louder
To the
Delusional pilgrim
Seeking
The mythical
Grail

Just once
To be the
Seal
Not
The insignificant letter
That carries
Proof
Of a glancing
Blow
Long after
It's sent

And forgotten

Truth doesn't hide
It's just
Ignored

When polite words
Indifference
Hollow hope

Are all

You have

To hold

Nov. 2008

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Reviews

November 18, 2008

woodsprite

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
96	88.9% (36 votes)	29.4%

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Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
36	F	Dingmans Ferry, PA	October 28

woodsprite reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

You give yourself far too little credit. You are very eloquent with words and have a talent for choosing phrases and terminology that are natural for the reader to understand…without being simple or cliched. I’m a huge fan of poetry that is concise and has a flow that moves the eye and the heart fast down the page. This poem is now of that style…but I think that the line breaks need to be in different places to create dramatic pauses where punctuation would normally be. I think you wanted to keep each stanza in the three line form…but for some reason to me, this piece is screaming to breathe and pause in longer stretches. I will take the beginning and show you what I mean…if you want me to continue…just ask and i will do it in a message. I hate it when someone takes my whole piece, copies and pastes it into a critique and gets a ton of credits for it.

The mere shape of words on a white page
Suggest(s) meaning
To the desperate reader who’s waves of emotion
are launched
By a twinkle in the eye inspired
by nothing
but a yawn

For me…this form puts dramatic pauses where punctuation would be. It helps the reader breathe in the right places and gain more meaning. This is just a suggestion of how I interpreted the emotion and drama of these first two stanzas and how I would put them together to help the reader gain my perspective as the writer had I written this. You, more than likely, have a different perspective as the actual writer and should break up the lines (if you choose to) as you see fit.

The second thing that I want to say is that I love the title!...but I’m not sure how it ties into the poem. I almost think it needs to be a line in the poem and the poem titled something else. I think the seal and letter contrast might be better served in the title as well as the piece…Just a thought :)

Heidi

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November 18, 2008

by mckinleycooper

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
80	91.1% (56 votes)	45.5%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
31	F	Birmingham, AL	February 16

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That is very constructive advice. Letting the reader breathe--I’m not sure I’ve ever thought that way--inspirations hits, and it’s almost like automatic writing—even the titles.

I enjoy getting suggestions from writers I respect--it gives me a new way to look at the words after I give birth to them--some people do it so effortlessly, but even when a muse practically lands in my lap, I still have to labor to convert the inspiration into something tangible.

The title…well, that is a continuation of a tangent I’m on of unrequited love and indifference--it’s a pain like no other, so sometimes the title is connected to previous compositions--it’s a private message from myself to myself (I’m a sefish writer!)Many of my recent poems need to be in a “collection” of sorts, because they are all born from the same situation.

I shall breathe…and look at this piece less frantically.

Thank you so much for taking the time. I look forward to reading more of your work--I’m getting Christmas decorations out, so I just don’t have as much time to devote to poetry as I want right now--soon, though!
I’m a selfish writer—I seek release and don’t think of the reader as much as I should. Good critiques help with that, and I’m grateful to you for that.

Thank you so much for taking the time,

McKinley

November 18, 2008

by woodsprite

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
96	88.9% (36 votes)	29.4%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
36	F	Dingmans Ferry, PA	October 28

personal info reviewer stats

You know…the act of critiquing actually helps you become a better writer. I spent a year working for a Literary Journal at my college a few years ago (Prescott College, Alligator Juniper (journal name) and I learned so much about what I like and what works by reading a lot of what doesn’t work. I find myself now in a phase of writing about love, loss and personal relationship stress. I obviously need to write about this and need to get it out…but it is not my chosen subject matter. I hope to get this all out of me so I can concentrate on writing about how we co-habitate and interact with the natural world and the greater world around us. My blog has more of it on there. I am going to start posting some of it here soon.

November 18, 2008

by mckinleycooper

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
80	91.1% (56 votes)	45.5%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
31	F	Birmingham, AL	February 16

personal info reviewer stats

I look forward to that. I believe you need to write what’s knocking on your inside to get out—it’s cheaper than pschoanalysis, and much more rewarding and helpful to others.
You have some priceless experience, because I do not have an critic’s eye. I look as the author as the ultimate authority. If something is bad, I just don’t say anything. It is finding treasures that I bask in commenting upon,like yours. It’s like a gift--a diamond found on a beach. I feel we are meant to find certain works--that they feed our souls. But we need people who can look objectively at works to make them better-where would we be without that? Stagnant!
Write what your soul dictates, and I look forward to reading your blog entries as well.
I hope some of your courage will rub off on me!

McKinley

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