You may not be a fan of the rhyming couplet. And I am not always either, because it usually comes accross as immature/forced/depthless. But it’s fun to play with and some people do enjoy the phonaesthetics of rhymes.
Perhaps I’ll write a whole new (non-rhyming) poem with this idea, but I’m fairly satisfied with the way this turned out.
Thanks for the suggestion.
Poetry / Reflecting
"How have you been?
Have you endured?
I heard you were sick
Have you been cured?
I'm happy to see you
but something's not right
Where is that spark
you used to ignite?
Something is missing
Why do you hide?
Where is your courage?
Where is your pride?
Your hair is all tangled
Your eyes lack their sheen
Where is your spirit
for all the unseen?"
"I'd tell you the same
but surely you know
You also look different
You too lost your glow.
But see I've been thinking
and I disagree
In my isolation
I have become free.
What is important?
Is this not subjective?
What is the point?
What is The Objective?
My country is greedy
Our world is amuck
And lately I too
just don't give a fuck."
"This isn't you!
How did this start?
Was it all this time
us two spent apart?
I can't comprehend
I don't understand
I think it would help
If you took my hand."
Extending my fingers
I couldn't quite grasp
my reflection will never
escape from the glass.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
kelmo reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
The metaphor here is bordering on cliche, but I think you managed to make it new, particularly because the reader doesn’t realize that you are talking to your reflection until the end.
My favorite bit was the last line: “my reflection will never escape from the glass.” I had to think about what it really means. It could be interpreted to mean that you can never quite fully know yourself. Or it could be a part of you that others will never know. It’s definitely a strong last line that leaves me wondering.
I also liked the contrast between the 8th and 9th stanzas. The transition from “And lately I too
just don’t give a fuck.” to “This isn’t you!” struck me as a funny little banter. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be, but I liked it.
- add/view comments (0)
axelk reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
You are true about rhyming poetry that somehow it seems more naive are not so lyrical. Still you did a very good job with it and managed to express everything just right. I mean there are some mature feelings and opinions expressed there very coherently. Good job
Owl_Light reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
Nice twist at the end to show it was a self-obsessed melancholic rather thatn a person who was concerned about a fellow being.
Never a fan of the rhyming couplet; perhaps you could give this work a different form?
peter_sitkowski reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
Nice poem. I think it is a bit of a misconception that rhyming poetry is less profound, all it limits the author it is much more difficult and makes you use words in ways you wouldn’t have though to before; that is why I love rhyming.
Here are my problems:
“for all the unseen?”
“Was it all this time
us two spent apart?”
These lines just seem somewhat, forced. Maybe just shorten the latter to
‘was it the time,
that we spent apart?’
That way it fits in more with the rhythm.
Keep it up and keep rhyming my friend, don’t listen to them!!
chelly reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
At first I thought this was a poem about seeing an old lover or friend who had gone to war :
“My country is greedy
Our world is amuck
And lately I too
just don’t give a fuck.”
The end was a sad surprise.Sad because the emotions displayed a lost of self and pride that alot of people who have been through alot feel. Good poem!
kahr reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
love this poem it has a lot of strength, passion,love and talent good luck i hope there is more to come from you
Showing 1 - 6 of 6
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
5 Reviews 7 Comments
Version 2
Latest Activity: 8 months ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 48 Times
Skipped: 4 Times
Ratings & Rankings
Versions
| Version 2 | Version 1 (Deleted) |