Poetry / SILENT PAIN (Analysis)

My question for you is this: Why do you write poetry?

Is it for you? or for someone else? to understand yourself?

Mary Oliver once said, “Good poems are the best teachers.” Meaning, when I read poetry, I am learning about you, I am learning about the world, I am learning about whatever you want me to read about.

I understand there is something inside of you that hurts. I read that from the first line. But what is it? Why do you cry? And why don’t you share it?

When I read the poem, all of these questions pop up in my head. You should consider if that’s the kind of message you want to convey. In a way, you aren’t being silent anymore because you have written the poem.

First stanza, line 4 “peaces” should be “pieces.”

Challenging topic. This could use some examples of the pain. How is it manifested. “I feel it in my chest and my soul, ...” What do you feel? Perhaps, ‘I ache’ or ‘every fiber in my chest constricts’ or ‘it feels as though cement blocks are stacked’.

As it is now, it is very redundant, repetetive.

Some pretty good phrases:
“silent tears”
“my true RAW feelings”
“Silent Pain.”

An opportunity here for you to turn this into a very good work.

I realize life may be pretty hard for this author, as it is for most, but if you are going to tell us about it then tell us about it. I see numerous repeated referrals to pain, crying and just plain down in the dumps… no one understands your anguish… No I don’t. Please explain to me (us) why you are down on yourself, what happened to bring this upon your life. Pain and loss is tough to put on paper in any form and I’m sure it wasn’t easy to say all this. It’s not bad just needs work. The spelling could use a make over as well (ex: threw – through) Just because words ryhmm does not make it a poem, it is a worthwhile story, and people do care, so tell it because someone who may be able to assist might read it. You want them to understand rather than wonder what you’re saying…    

Your poem is moving, and it is, as you said, raw and dark.  I think it needs a bit of tightening up so that it has more impact.  Also, you might try to find ways to get at describing the pain you feel in a less direct way in some of the lines in the first stanza so that when you are direct, it has more impact.

Now, let me get to the spelling.  ”Threw” should be “through”, “Ive” should be “I’ve”, “brake” should be “break”, “peaces” should be “pieces”, “nite” should be “night”, “everyine” should be “everyone”.