Well, thanks a lot for your input. I do have one question though. Did you feel any imagery exploding? I think that my biggest mistake in this poem, is that it doesn’t have a certain flare to it. Like I would read it, but feel nothing afterwards. My purpose for writing is so that when someone reads my work, they’re like “wow, that was a very deep poem, rather then that’s some decent word choice.” What do you think?
Poetry / My Brother and his Affliction of Fire (Analysis)
Fury ignites my brother's withered soul
And he alone bears this wretched toll
Smoldering, burning, brighter than Apollo's fiery core
He writhes and aches until forevermore
Detached from serenity, no peace flows for his sorrowful mind
Affliction englufs his petty torso, as if in Hell he lives to serve and dine!
Damaged, out and in, like a marred introvert
Flustering among the sparks of the dancing flames, he's drawn to flirt
But fire, like emotions, detailed in multiple of shades
tormenting him, "away! away! relieve me!" he silenty bades
Extinguish it! he pleads, oh does he ever so pleads!
and soon his sorrow speaks, whispering, no longer does he wished to be judged by his unconscious deeds
No, only his soul, his spirit, his goodly natured intentions
He knows no rest until his acclaimed vindications
Rapidly, his ignitions sparks and it lusts to be heard
Like of the summer breezes, dueting to the common bird
Icey, freezy, coldly. feelings he's always yearned to grasp and feel
because of this unhappiness, alone, he believes he's forced to deal
Answering to , I call a bit of water to dampened his misery parade
And so, his tender lips, submitting, weeply cries
"Little Brother, bless you for ending my unhappy charades"
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
axelk reviewed Version 8 -
Read 100% of the Item
I must tell you that overall this is a nice piece of writing. The words flowed nicely into the mind of the reader creating a very nice picture in the mind and imagination. If I could give you a suggestion as far as I am concerned would be to shorten the verses a bit or at least split them somehow. You deserve to win the Davidson Gifted scholarship because you clearly have a talent that it is worth discovering. Great read.
- add/view comments (0)
eminemslove85 reviewed Version 8 -
Read 100% of the Item
well i can one this for sure is u have a nice way with words and i can tell that u are very smart with ur use of words, alot of them i did not know so it was hard for me to follow but i could see beond those words and i can say that u have a very powerful peace of a poem. i didnt see anything that needed a touch up but then again i could be wrong because it was hard for me to read with ur choice of words but i think you did a very nice job and i hope u do well in the furture.
good luck.
JesusFreak reviewed Version 8 -
Read 100% of the Item
here is one thing that seems to be unnecessary
He writhes and aches until forevermore
i believe it should be
He writhes and aches forevermore
showing that it is always going to be there
thats about the only thing i could really pick at
the rhyming is well done it continues the flow so the reader can continue without a break in rhythm
there is one line though here
no longer does he wished to be judged by his unconscious deeds
it seems that wished is past tense it should sound a little better like so
he no longer wishes to be judged by his unconscious deeds
Showing 1 - 3 of 3
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
3 Reviews 3 Comments
Version 8
Latest Activity: 7 months ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 0 Times
Skipped: 2 Times
Ratings & Rankings
Versions
| Version 8 | Version 7 (Deleted) | Version 6 (Deleted) | Version 5 (Deleted) | Version 4 (Deleted) | Version 3 (Deleted) | Version 2 (Deleted) | Version 1 (Deleted) |