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Novel Treatments / Charlie's Mirror - Prologue
The room I'd been allocated was as cold and gray as the sky outside, or at least it was, as far as I could tell without an actual window. The clothing I was wearing was far too thin for… I didn’t know what month it was, I didn't even know the day of the week; in fact, I wasn't even sure how long I'd been in the room. Probably a year. No one had visited; my heart was aching for Charlie.
I sat cross-legged on the bed; there was nothing for me to do in here, I was left to my thoughts most of the time. In the time since I'd been there, I'd devised plans to end both world hunger and war in the Middle East. No mean feat for a seventeen year old, if my birthday had passed, that is. Nothing was celebrated within these walls. Nothing changed, except my hair grew longer and ragged, and I could probably braid my armpits if I was allowed a rubber band. I started giggling madly at the thought of what my mother would do if she saw me in the state I was in. But I stopped suddenly after realizing she wouldn't be coming.
My mood couldn't have been worse; I didn't even bother looking up as the door creaked open. There was never anyone worth my time anyway. But to my surprise, a young, freckled face poked itself underneath to look at mine.
"Charlie!" I said, throwing my arms around him. "What are you doing here?"
"I missed you," he said simply. "When are you coming home?"
"I don't know. Whenever they let me out of here."
"Can I stay here with you?" I laughed hollowly. I couldn't imagine any little boy living here, much less Charlie.
"You wouldn't like it here, Charlie. There's no baseball, no videogames, nothing. I don't even have any books." Charlie settled himself down in my lap, much more affectionate than others his age, I was certain. However, the long separation probably played a role in how he behaved.
"But you promised you'd take care of me." The last time we had been together was in a cemetary, both of us freezing and scared, clinging to each other as though we were never to see each other again, somehow knowing our separation was imminent.
"I did," I admitted. "But I can't do that while I'm in here."
"Why are you in here?" he persisted. Before answering, I shifted him around so he wasn't crushing my legs as much. He was heavy.
"I'm very sick," I told him. "I have to stay here until the doctors think I'm better."
"Are you going to die?" he asked curiously.
"Not until I'm old and wrinkled."
"Will I be alive when you die?"
"Most likely." Much to my surprise his face fell when I said this.
"I don't want to be alive when you die. We should die together." That was the strangest thing I'd ever heard from Charlie's mouth, though I suppose he had reason.
"You can't pick when you die," I told him.
"Neither of us wants to be the last one," he insisted, which I acknowledged with a nod. "We can go on safari or something and have an exciting death together. Come on; promise me we'll die together." He looked at me so earnestly that I couldn't refuse him, though when Charlie got older and could understand I knew we could laugh about it.
"All right," I said, "I promise." The door clicked open again and Charlie gave me an apprehensive look. "Does anyone know you're here?" I asked hurriedly. It was too late to hide him. This nurse came it at this time every day, she'd never told me her name, but privately I called her Nurse Ratched.
"Who were you talking to this time?" she asked unconcernedly.
"Charlie," I told her, pointing to the spot where Charlie was sitting. She didn't even bother looking in his direction.
"Well, tell him it's time for him to go home," she said in a falsely sweet voice, her eyes colder than a meat freezer.
"You can't be serious. He's my brother; he can stay ten more minutes." Nurse Ratched gave me an impatient look, again not even acknowledging Charlie.
"He leaves now. If he's your brother, he'll understand. I don't need to put up with him. Lord knows I put up with enough from you." Charlie made to get up, but I put an arm out to keep him there.
"Keep talking to me like I'm stupid and I'll give you something to put up with," I snapped, sounding so much like our father I would have laughed if I hadn't been so angry. Nurse Ratched sighed loudly in frustration.
"Now listen to me," she said severely, roughly seizing my arm and bending it backward so I couldn't move. "The little brat is leaving now, and heaven help you if he shows his face here again. Don't make me take drastic measures," she threatened as I struggled against her. I flailed my other arm, knocking Nurse Ratched across the face. She ran for the door, slamming it so hard it stayed open. Charlie gave me a sorrowful look.
"I'm sorry." Without another word, he slipped out the door. A minute later, she was back, followed a tall, heavy-set man of about twenty.
"Hold her," the nurse instructed sharply, "And be careful, she gets violent." He looked at me hesitantly. "Hurry up, Mendoza; it's time you got used to dealing with these damned lunatics." I already knew what was coming, and I resisted Mendoza with all my strength, and though I couldn't break free of him, I could tell that he really didn't want to hurt me.
His grasp slipped a little and I was able to break out of it, flailing wildly, Mendoza flung me back onto the mattress; he was pinning me down, and while Ratched was carelessly swabbing my arm, I couldn't help but notice that Mendoza had the kindest set of eyes I'd ever seen. They were dark, chocolate brown, framed by long, thick eyelashes so numerous I couldn't tell one from the other.
"Charlie's coming back, you know," I told him as the injection was administered. He got off as the needle was withdrawn. Nurse Ratched looked me straight in the eye, with a cruel smirk on her face.
"Charlie's not real," she said with satisfaction, the last thing I heard before unconsciousness claimed me.
I saw Mendoza again early the next afternoon. He'd been sent in to change my bedding, and while he was doing that, I paced restlessly around my room. I noticed that he was eyeing me curiously, but it didn't bother me as much as it normally did when people stared at me.
"What's your name?" he asked suddenly.
"Miriam," I told him shortly, not having forgiven him yet for holding me down and refusing to look at him.
"Can I call you Mimi?"
"No." That was reserved for immediate family, and even so I felt I was outgrowing it.
"Can’t you answer me with more than one word?"
"Ask me a question that requires more than a one word answer."
"I guess you don't volunteer anything."
"No." By then he'd finished with the bed, and he left with the dirty linens. However, he was back minutes later.
"You look like you need fresh air," he said. It was true; I hadn't been outside in months. Nurse Ratched couldn't be bothered with anything so trivial, and I couldn't leave the room on my own. "The head nurse gave me permission to take you for a walk." I was so stunned that I couldn't answer him, nevertheless I took his arm and he lead me through the corridors and into the courtyard. I blinked in the bright sunlight, and it was warmer than I'd expected it to be.
"What month is it?" I asked.
"May. I didn't agree with yesterday," he added. "It's part of my job, and since I'm the big guy on the staff, well… I do a lot of things I'd rather not do."
"I know. I could tell by your eyes." It seemed stupid, but at that point was was overwhelmed with what was happening, and tears were welling up and falling down my face. Mendoza seemed to realize this and didn't make an issue of it, continuing to lead my around the courtyard.
"You must be miserable here. Is Charlie your boyfriend?"
"He's my little brother," I said thickly, wiping my eyes. "And before you ask, yes, he's real. She doesn't believe me."
"Don't worry, Mim, I do." Mim. My father was the only person who had called me that, and thinking of it made me miss him even more than I already did. I started crying harder, and Mendoza pulled me into his arms and let me sob into his shirt, stroking my hair. From that point on, it was an unspoken arrangement that Mendoza and I would take walks every nice day, and when the weather was inclement we would spend time in the game room, where he would teach me to speak Spanish. And when I left the hospital a year later, he escorted me out, and hugged me good-bye.
"See you around, Mim."
"Bye, G.”
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jelissa reviewed Version 1 -
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The first part is really good. The ending seems to tell rather than show. Is there a reason you wrapped up an entire year in a few sentences? You have the start of what eems to be an awesome relationship, but no meat to it, nothing to connect the reader. Also it seems weird for her to call him “G”, probably because we don’t have that year of building the relationship.
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77sunset reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked your story and think you have a definite knack for writing. Keep up the good work. I’m 57 and just getting the hang of it now. Keep the drama up through the whole piece. It’s short enough to do that. Make it scary, make that reader feel chilled to the bone. Just one suggestion. Or have them fall in love or something. Anything to wind up on a dramatic note. Also, “show,” don’t “tell” the reader. Use descriptive words and show the reader what people look like, how they think, what the setting is like. You did some of that but I think you could show it in a lot more detail. Rewrites are about 90% of my work. All you need is love, John T.
jkazimer reviewed Version 1 -
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The story intrigues me, and I’d read further. The writing’s okay, could be tightened a bit by cutting out many of the adverbs. If you’re using lots of adverbs, it’s usually because your verbs aren’t strong enough. So I’d look at that.
Example:
the nurse instructed sharply, “And be careful, she gets violent.” He looked at me hesitantly. Show us via the dialogue that she’s sharp, or that he’s hesitant.
Also, a bit passive. Example:
His grasp slipped a little and I was able to break out of it, flailing wildly, Mendoza flung me back onto the mattress; he was pinning me down, and while Ratched was carelessly swabbing my arm, I couldn’t help but notice that Mendoza had the kindest set of eyes I’d ever seen.
Take this sentence:
His grasp slipped, and I broke free, failing. Flinging me down, Mendoza pinned me to the bed while Ratched swabbed my arm.
Now the second part should be another paragraph since its a whole new context.
Do you see how much more active the sentence is without all the use of was?
Now, Charlie sitting on Mimi’s lap is a little odd. How little is he? How old is she? From what I’ve read I have no clear indication of that.
Good luck.
j
Owl_Light reviewed Version 1 -
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Punctuation: line 2
thin for… I didn’t know what month it was, I didn’t even know the day of the week; in fact, I wasn’t
thin. I didn’t know what month it was. I didn’t even kow the day of the week. In fact I wasn’t
because
.. smacks of amateur writing.
short punchy sentences are easier to understand and add to the drama.
Modern authors tend to avoid commas. They are considered old-fashioned by some. General rule, if you use an and or another conjunction you don’t neeed a comma.
because
this makes the writing flow better
Criteria:
easy to read?
Yes. full marks for your dialogue and simplicity of your style
Read on?
A very suspenseful drama. Well done.
Clarity?
The way you sprinkled the narrative with descriptive fact built up the picture very naturally.
loved the bit about the rubber bands under her arms. This said so much about the time she had been incarcerated.and how she must have once been.
‘allocated’ said so much about where she was.
lovely cameo about life in a mental institution. Great characterisation of the horrid nurse and the helpless patient and the kind nurse.
I’d like to read the book
derekosborne reviewed Version 1 -
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Yeah, I don’t get the Dean Koontz reference either.
It’s a nice little scene. You’ve got a fine grasp of narrative voice and dialogue, better than most. No real issues with the writing. I forgot to look at your age. If you are in college beware of trying to sound like all the great authors you will be bombarded with. Learn from them, but don’t try to sound like them. You’ve already on your way to your own voice.
As a prologue, the piece falls short. By definition a prologue introduces or sets up a larger story. You started off fine. It is inferred that this girl is in an asylum, last saw her brother at a cemetery, that the imaginary brother is still living and she gets out, presumably to unfold the rest of the book. There needs to be some clue as to what is coming. Are we going to find Charlie? Will we see Mendoza again? I’m not saying to come right out with all this, but it must be inferred. To your credit, the prologue’s end felt abrupt; I was already into the story of the girl and Mendoza; I wanted to read more.
A little research would also help. Internet’s a great place to live other lives. I doubt a young girl would be placed in “a hole” as they say in institution speak. She is clearly not violent or psychopathic unless provoked. The nurse can be a hardened bitch but still, give her one human trait the reader can latch onto so she achieves three dimensional qualities.
Hope this helps
TnD reviewed Version 1 -
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-“The room…” => This sentence, being the first one, is the most important. How do you know what it looks like outside? The repetition of ‘was’ also distracts from the sentence.
-Second sentence has the same problem. You’re making comparisons, but don’t even know what’s going on. I think if you just keep it brief, you’re going to raise questions in the reader’s mind. If you took out ‘as far as…’ in the first sentence. Keep it knowing in the second sentence. ‘Far too thin[,] for…’...there was a draft in the room. I don’t even know if that’s normal. Is it cold outside? I can’t see. I don’t know where I am.’ And continue.
-here [and] I…
-since = that
-There was never => So there were other people who’ve showed their face? Yet, you didn’t want to ask why you were in here? Or even how long?
-Before answering, => Unnecessary.
-surprise[,] his
-hurriedly. => The -ly trap. Show us, don’t tell us. Instead of ‘hurriedly,’ use something like, “I asked, with fear of his being caught.” or something like that. Keeps up the suspense.
-Tense shifts. “Struggled” to “slamming” Two different tenses. Should be something like, “door [and] slamm[ed] it so hard[,] it…” Watch the tenses throughout the story, as well.
-wildly[.] Mendoza
-even so[,] I felt
-outside in months. => And you know this, how?
-Kind of an unsatisfying ending. After all of the build-up, it’s sort of like you didn’t know how to end it. It’s as though you just threw up your hands and said, “Eh! I’m done. The End.”
-I think you have the basis for an excellent story here, it just needs to be fleshed out in some places. For example, you can go on about Mendoza and Mimi/Mim/Miriam’s relationship. Show how they became friends, rather than just telling us. But, that’s just my opinion. Hope this helps.
squarehopper reviewed Version 1 -
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Right off you hit us with a convoluted and confusing passive voiced sentence – this would cause me to stop reading. The first sentence is KEY. You need to catch your audience with it quickly. Simple active voice sentences work best for this – though it is not a rule.
Your sentence twists and turns and in the end leaves the reader scratching their head. Here is one way I would try to rewrite this sentence:
The windowless room enveloped me with cold and gray.
Ok, I just finished the first paragraph and again, I am asking myself why am I reading this? The only answer is because the author requested I do so in the forum – that is not good. This paragraph fails to adequately establish the setting for your reader, the mood is not clear, and who the heck is Charlie? If the POV character hasn’t seen anyone for a year – how would they miss Charlie?
I would also go through this and try to remove the passivity by avoiding using any forms of the verbs To Be or To Have.
As I read this, I realize that you have the story in your head, but are failing to realize that I don’t as the reader. It is our job as a writer to realize that and translate our world to print in a manner which the reader can be part of what is happening in the story. You are dropping information into the story without preamble, without cause, without warning – as though you expect us to know exactly what, where, who, and what is there. We don’t. You need to outline and then write.
Also be careful with your continuity. You tell us she is sitting crossed leg on the bed and then she spent most of the time thinking – you go from “present moment” to the whole year instantly – that is jarring.
Ratched? A 17 year-old who has been locked up for a year know who Nurse Ratched is? Will most people know what you are referring to? Isn’t One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest on the JUNIOR?SENIOR year reading list? How can she make the reference. Nothing you have given us about the character up to this point indicates she would.
You have punctuation errors as well, I would look for them.
You have a credibility issue. No one will believe that an inmate in a hospital would be left in the room alone with an orderly. No one would believe the trust of the Orderly and Mim that was so quickly established.
This relationship moved to quick to trust. I would work on this more. You are too much in a hurry to get where you want to go.
1600 words is not enough to cover a year in the hospital and a trusting relationship being built in which your reader would want to believe in.
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