Short Story / An Upgrade (Analysis)

I am sure you have gotten several comments on the repeating metaphor, doing something like this is risky I think, it either works and all is well or doesn’t work and the whole piece is so entrenched in the metaphor it needs a complete overhaul.  

From my perspective, it doesn’t work.  The computer/program terminology is written it seems to be quirky but instead feels inhuman (imagine that) and cold.  Obviously there is more to be said about this character, if it is her nature to be cold that is a step but I also think that for her mind to drift in this direction so often about separate subjects she should maybe be in a profession that works with aging computers or something of the sort.  

Also, I don’t like my being underlined italics may suffice.
The second paragraph makes me wonder if there is a language barrier or not, I think there is an opportunity here to elaborate or intensify the ordeal of the post office.

Last thing, when the postal woman gets up and holes in her chair and poor work conditions are mentioned it isn’t really elaborated on, until it seems that perhaps the post office is hot, when the main character leaves covered in sweat.  The description of the chair is also vague initially I just thought it was a nice plastic chair with holes for better air circulation. (obviously not the case)

I think you have a very effective subject and an engaging writing style but at times emphasis is place in different places that I (as a reader) would like.
Thank you for sharing, it was an enjoyable read.  This is my first story excerpt review, I hope that it is helpful.

I like the fact that you have a concept here that you have committed to fully execute. Your writing is clear and reads easily, but your notes suggest that the comparison of the post office woman with an old computer has met with some confusion with previous reviewers. I found this version to be very straightforward. I had no trouble understanding the comparisons.

Having said that, the comparisons seemed to strain what might have otherwise been a more accessible and enjoyable piece. Who among us can not relate to coming toe to toe with a rigid bureaucrat; especially at the post office? I’m afraid you have diverted the reader’s attention away from the charm of the piece.

I personally find it hard to let go of an idea that i have committed considerable energy to, but sometimes it’s best to just set it aside and try another approach. You can always return to it if the next idea does not pan out.

Unless the computer comparisons are central to the larger context, I would try telling the story without them. You have plenty to go on without it. Keep writing and keep stretching.

Unfortunately I don’t have enough information about your story to say whether or not it will amuse or entertain. Nor can I say about the short story over all. But, I can say you could make the scene richer by making note of some of the details inside the post office, especially to give the feeling of time lapsed.

Was this an internet romance gone cold?

Good luck with your manuscript.
Cheers

I like the story, and the concept of the ending, but I didn’t like how the last line came out. I think you might be better off ending on that statement preceding the question. I can’t put my finger on ‘why’ but the last line seems a bit forced (not quite contrived), and the other line just felt more appropriate to the flow.

• She thought my newer and far superior program was running slow, so she repeated the command, “14,300 won.”—I don’t get what this line has to do with anything.  ”What program?” If it’s an analogy like the last one I just don’t get it, it’s not clear.

This story is very well written and has the means to be something interesting but it falls flat because there really isn’t anything to build on…there’s hardly any story there either.  I think in this case if you’re using metaphors and analogies that they really aren’t necesarry and take away from the story.  I had to read it three times and I’m still like, “What?”  I understand what went on but it’s like crawling into a house through a window when you could have just walked through the door.

Very good, and concise tale.  Having experience much the same dilemma at an Australian post office, it’s very relatable.  Too much stuff here isn’t, as you’ll be aware.  

Not much to be done to this piece.  I have some personal thoughts only – the professionalism of the work it very much in tact.

-I was so flabbergasted that she spoke that I didn’t move at first. – Just a hint of a lack of clarity here.  I’d substitute the word “when” for the first “that”.

-She thought my newer and far superior program was running slow – Cutting and pasting the phrase doesn’t show the underline on the word “my”.  I’d prefer to see this as an italicized word, as opposed to the underline.  

I very much enjoyed the program/processor imagery, because I can accept it, and recognize it as purposeful, and artistic.  I had a friend reading over my shoulder and he didn’t get it however.  I had to explain it to him.  Is there any way you can lead into the analogy, set the average non-artistically gifted reader in the direction to understand it?

~vato

This was very good. Extremely good flow and your storytelling elements were superb. I liked the character, even though I didn’t know much about him/her. It made me want to read more when it ended on page two.

Great job.