Chapter Four
What rain the garden canopy could not keep from falling on the woman and her angel, Lucifer’s wings kept the rest at bay. It had been a shock to Eve when he first revealed his feathers. She had recoiled from him at first as they burst from the blades of his shoulders, a reaction he had not expected. Given the choice between getting soaked and accepting the shelter he offered, she chose the latter. Her fingers inched closer to his left wing, feathers quivering with anticipation of the contact, but she pulled her hand away after a moment’s hesitation. She turned her back to him and looked through the small gap between where his two wings barely met each other, watching the raindrops hit the grass. He was surprised at the sigh of relief that escaped him. His wings had never been touched by another, to do so was a most intimate encounter an angel could experience, a great taboo. For such a thing to occur, to succumb to any desire, would defy every covenant he was sworn to keep as a member of Adonai’s court. He soon squeezed the thoughts from his mind. To even dwell on them might bring consequences.
“It has the strangest sound, doesn’t it?” She asked after awhile, still staring out at the rainfall.
“I suppose so, though I find it quite relaxing,” he replied softly, to which she murmured in reply.
The rain soon ceased. Lucifer stretched his wings and shook the water from his feathers, which soon concealed themselves once more.
“Why did you look at me like you did a moment ago?” She asked unexpectedly, turning toward him, her usually smooth brow furrowed in curiosity.
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“I reached for your wing, your face read almost of fear,” she said simply. “Why?”
Lucifer swallowed the newly formed lump in his throat. [i]Do I tell her why?[/i] He considered it for a moment before settling on the easier explanation. “No one has ever touched them before.”
Her eyes drilled into him, wide as walnuts, and as dark. “Really?”
He nodded.
“Why is that?”
“It’s just never happened. It’s considered taboo, a line of respect,” he shrugged, at which the conversation ended and nothing further was said on the matter.
The two walked on with no real destination in mind. Lucifer made a point to show her what was suitable to eat and what was not. Together, it did not take long to populate an extensive list of the best fruits, vegetables, and nuts available. The last piece of advice he felt it important to offer was how to build a shelter, in anticipation of the next rainstorm.
“I won’t always be here to give you shelter, so it’s important that you know how to create one of your own,” he said.
He demonstrated the proper way to strip the wide, wax-like leaves off of a nearby banana tree and weave them together into a large sheet. He showed her where to find the tall, thick bamboo poles she would need to make the walls of what he called a hut. Finally, he taught her how to erect the walls and install the banana leaf roof securely on top of the poles. Her smile at the finished product made him do so in return.
“Thank you,” she said, ducking under the low opening they left for use as the door to inspect the inside. She came back out nodding. “It will suit me nicely.”
Lucifer swept into a low bow. “You are welcome, but I must leave you for now. My Lord will want a brief report on the accomplishments made here.”
“But what if I need help? What if I don’t know what to do?”
“Just call for me and I will come,” he replied, offering a brief farewell before he darted up into the air and disappeared.
Ω
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In the first sentence, the phrase in the beginning “what rain” implies that there is a portion left over, so you don’t need the words “the rest” in the second clause of the sentence.
I realize that I’m jumping into the middle of this story, but the way the first paragraph is written it is unclear whether “her angel” refers to Lucifer whose wings are sheltering the woman, or to a third character and Lucifer is sheltering them both.
I like the comment about how touching an angel’s wings is an intimate experience, it accentuates both the alien nature of the creature (humans don’t have wings) and the humanity (the slight contact leads towards tempting thoughts… I assume lascivious ones).
Rather than simply writing “the conversation ended” why not show it by writing something like “a silence stretched after his words,” or some such?
Both of your characters speak with uniform diction and grammar, leading to the reader (me at least) hearing both of them with an almost identical voice. I don’t know how much you’d like to focus on it, but nearly everyone has identifiable speech patterns, sometimes little sayings that they utter almost unconsciously, if you worked these into the dialog (at least for the human characters) then the dialog might be more believable.
Overall, this is very well written, and was more intriguing than my prejudices would have lead me to believe after reading your notes to the reviewers.
” he replied softly, to which she murmured in reply. What did she murmur?
In the first paragraph you use “first” twice. The repetition puts the text out of sync. You might find a replacement word.
I tell her why?[/i. Fix this please. I wouldn’t not have him thinking anything. It ruins the mystery of the piece. Let the reader guess what he is thinking.
I like the symbolism with the wings: They had never been touched before. Wonderful sexual innuendo. I have not seen the first chapters but i will, because this interests me. I will not waste your credits. I like it. Sandi
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