Thankyou for your time. It’s just a bit of fun but it’s interesting to have the academic niceties pointed out.
Our daughters explained that House Rabbits are so-called because they are house trained. This was not the case, as I discovered when I examined my socks.
Deb’n is Deb’n dialect for Devon. Devon is a county in the Westcountry which is noted for its narrow winding lanes. Although vehicles are allowed, and the road surfaces are properly tarmacced, it’s possible to walk them without encountering a single vehicle. So my Great Dane and his friend Ollie the Shitzu can go off their leads.-
Poetry / The Constipated Poet
The Constipated Poet
I'm a constipated poet and I'm nearly going mental.
A constipated mathematician
Would work it out with a pencil.
If someone cannot spell the words
They say they are word blind.
My problems with my words today
Are coming from behind.
I've thought and thunk and drunk and thunk
And thunk and drunk some more.
My faithfull incontinent Dane
Is lying on the floor.
Oh! What's that smell? Well bloody hell!
She's crapped as is her habit.
I race downstairs to fetch the rags
And trip over the rabbit.
The latest thing in 'Really Cool'
Are 'House Rabbits' which shit in a box.
Its turds were there, all over the stair
They are now sticking all over my socks.
It's time for a walk in the Deb'n Lanes
Our neighbour asked me to take her Shitzu
So here I am with the polythene bags.
Yep.Cleaning up its poo.
This page today is covered in turds
When I would rather it was covered in words.
But I still can't find any inspiration.
When I've still got poet's constipation.
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Runatyr reviewed Version 1 -
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Hi,
I like elements of this, and certainly the idea of “metapoetry”, or poetry about poetry, is a field that can be reaped endlessly. But at this point, with so many great works on the topic, it really has to be fresh. To some extent, this is; I cannot recall every reading such a poem where dog doo played such an extensive role. ;) That is amusing and original in this context.
The rhymes can work well, especially given the light-hearted perspective here. It’s your rhythm you may wish to work on. The mix of regular meter and irregular is too inconsistent. I’d go with more of the meter you set periodically, which seems to oscillate between iambic trimeter and iambic tetrameter. You might even keep both—just eliminate the many non-conforming lines. Of course, if you prefer non-conformity, you can go that route… but you might then want to re-think the more regular lines, or even the rhymes. And I wouldn’t do that, as I believe you’re on the right track with it as it is.
Thank you for the opportunity to review your work! :)
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Willow_Wren reviewed Version 1 -
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I’ll take this in the fun with which it was written and found it cute and clever, and the meter starts out strong in the first two stanzas then starts to falter in S3. L1 could be OK, but L2 has two many beats and is awkwardly phrased. And if ‘House Rabbits’ shit in a box, why are their turds all over the stair? Also to many beats in L4. Better, “Now sticking to my socks.” For in the line above ‘all over’ was also used. Same with S4. L2 has too many beats and what is Deb’n Lanes? Better for L2, “As I take out our my neighbor’s Shitzu.” No need for ‘the’ before “polythene bags.” In S5 no need for a period after L3. Not a serious poem but fun.
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