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Sci Fi & Fantasy / Prologue: Wind of Betrayel (Analysis)
Evil, an unbearable force, consumes those who seek its power, takes the hope from those who let it rule them. There are few however, who live in the midst of its vile core, yet remain untouched by it. Seven of the untouched must become one with the land, touched by evil in order to defeat it. The second of these chosen seven, is Lyllian Sintral, Chosen Child of Water. To understand her story however, we must understand the beginning, when the pure light, harmony and peace of the six lands of desitny fell into a deep unending darkness. When an Evil only know as the Dark Star came to the Realm of the Destined, the 6 lands fell into chaos and split apart. Foreseeing the trouble before him, The Dark Star split himself into 6 powerful beings of evil. The piece of the Dark Star calling himself The Destroyer was sent to Aquaintia. Using his dark powers the Destroyer killed everything in his path, he started the slave trades and killed the heart of the land. The peoples of Aquaintia fell without a fight, not knowing how to beat such an evil foe. With his rein started the Destroyer ruled in cruelty, making sure the people suffered. Then out of nowhere a mysterious woman appeared wearing a scarf around the bottom half of her mouth, and blue clothing and armor. Without a word she fought the Destroyer, doing all she could to defeat him. When she realized she couldn’t win on her own, she created the Crystal Warriors, to fight by her side. For two long years they fought, no one receiving any advantage, until the Crystal Warriors started to grow tired and weak, giving the forces of evil a chance to gain on them. As the woman contemplated what they would do, she was granted a vision and a prophecy, foretelling of one to come who would have the power to eliminate the Destroyer. Knowing then what she was to do she forged a weapon, using all her knowledge and power, then she hid it so only the Child of Water could get it. Then she vanished from the land, never to be seen again. In remembrance of the woman who fought for them, they called her the Flowing Crystal, and passed on her memory to all in Aquaintia; her prophecy being held as a New Hope. The prophecy read: In the light of a Crystal Moon, In the year the Crystal came, A child shall be born, One with the power to beat the Destroyer. Born of the cries of the people of water, The Child of Water will come, To raise them up in light once again, Giving back the heart. To accomplish this deed, The Water must find, The Crystal heart, And flowing staff. Combined these two, A weapon will make, And at last the Child will stand, Against the Destroyer who will fall in her wake.. A warning there is, To this great foretelling, An evil rises from the water, Trying to bring it down. If it succeeds, If the Child shall fail, The Land of Water shall fall, Forever dwelling in darkness and sorrow. When the Destroy caught wind of this Prophecy, he stroke out and destroyed it, letting the people’s hope die with it. Ten as an extra precaution he proclaimed that any child with even the slightest sign of power and those already existing, that wasn’t in his control were to be killed, or sentenced to life in slavery. Little did he know that one child survived.
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eqquesz reviewed Version 3 -
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catluckey reviewed Version 3 -
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icedsapphire reviewed Version 3 -
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slbynum3 reviewed Version 2 -
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I love the first few lines where you’re describing evil. And the beginning is very creative. I like the names you gave things, such as ‘Realm of the Destined’ and ‘Crystal Warriors’. The only problem I found is in the paragraph after the prophecy, where you put ‘the Destroy’ instead of ‘the Destroyer’. Otherwise I don’t see anything wrong with this prologue. It’s definitely leading to a great story. It makes me want to read the rest.
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catluckey reviewed Version 2 -
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...And thus begin the adventures of The Water Child.
Your prologue does whet the appetite. This is more telling than showing, though. Perhaps start with the Dark Star in his environ, plotting to kill all the children with power that refuse to submit. And his conhorts or the captured Aquaintians can give the prophecy to Dark Star. Just an idea and suggestion.
It does introduce interesting characters, such as the mystery woman, Flowing Crystal, that created the Crystal Warriors. And I believe we’ll find ourselves experiencing the adventures of the Water Child.
I like the created name of the water people’s land-Aquaintia.
It did catch my attention and hold it.
trismugistus reviewed Version 2 -
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There are two main problems I would focus on.
First off—you’re info-dumping. You’ve got loads of explanation here, with very little of the action you hint at. In fact, there’s so much it almost sounds like the summary at a start of the second novel in a series.
Unless that novel exists, you don’t want to be doing this in the prologue, but it’s so much info to assimilate for your reader they may well be turned off.
If you want to really this stuff it really needs to be done via active scenes. It sounds interesting—a destroyer appearing, a monumental battle, titanic struggles between good and evil. But I want to experience this stuff, I don’t want you to just tell me it.
The only way you can just about get away with telling is if you have one of your characters tell the other one in dialogue. This sometimes works later in a story, when your lead character is having their destiny revealed to them, but even then you’d be better having it via flashback or a similar device.
The other problem is you’re essentially telegraphing your whole plot having this detailed prologue that explains so much. As a reader, why should I read on—what’s your hook? Where’s the mystery that pulls me into reading the rest?
Prologues work best when they only hold relevance’s later in the story. Some small element or piece of knowledge that suddenly becomes crucial later in the story.
Another alternative might just be to have the prophecy at the front (probably don’t call it a prologue as such) and then launch into the story proper. You could make the prophecy vague or mysterious or intriguing and give much the same effect.
I hope that’s useful for you and wasn’t too rambling.
gbryananderson reviewed Version 2 -
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What I like about prologues is that they are a moment in time, mostly in the past. Like haikus they deal with one moment. You have many things to be rated, and, I will score low because you need to revise. I say that without even reading further.
You have problems in the first line: period after “it.”
”...at let…” should be ”...and let…”
“then” should be Cap. it starts a new sentence.
I’m not going to waste your credits. You have a great, and I’m serious, a great draft here, but too many errors. I’m not even sure Betrayel in the title is correct, “Betrayal.”
As an editor, and this is harsh, but it’s the publishing field, the very first line will have this rejected. Revise it and pay attention. I’d love to see another draft of this. I’m looking forward to it.
Print your story out, with pen in hand give it to several people and have them review it. Not on Urbis, but your teachers and classmates.
Blessings, Gregory
Zakari39 reviewed Version 2 -
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The story itself is quite good – I’m intrigued by the Prophecy and how the Child of Water will come to combat the Destroyer. It’s a bit contrived – Evil Force meets Prophesied Champion of Good etc…. but the idea is portrayed well enough.
Your grammar and spelling lets it down somewhat, and more attention to this would substantially improve the desire to read on and know more of the story.
martykate reviewed Version 2 -
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You’ve got a good story going here. I like the structure and the story is holding my interest. I am wondering why “Fira” and your heroine here disappear. They are appealing characters, but if they contribute to your storyline, please feel free to contruct it the way you want. It could be you are setting up a mythology, and in that instance the characters disappearing may not only be appropriate, but necessary.
This I take issue with: ”he stroke out and destroyed it”, talking about a prophecy. First of all, it’s “struck”. The other thing is, a prophecy is a thing not easily destroyed. First of all it’s mental, not material. Even in real life history, the tyrannical of rulers cannot completely destroy a prophecy, because it exists in the heart and the mind, and the spirit. It’s an intangible thing that exists on its own. You gotta re-think this to make your story work on the level that you write.
Be careful to be consistent here. You have good ideas, but you may need to weed a few out.
Number one—learn to proof read. And watch your grammar. I’ll give you some
examples
“few who, although live in an evil world” We talked about this before. It’s not grammatically correct and it’s awkward. You need to re-do it. I’m glad that you said you were going to re-work it.
There is a rule in writing for numbers: 1-9 are always spelled out. ”Six Lands” would be far more effective than “6 Lands”. Looks better and is less awkward. When writing numbers always follow the rules!
“With his rein started the Destroyer ruled in cruelty”
With is an awkward way to begin this sentence—you might try “When” instead; and “rein” should be reign. There should be a comma after “started”. Check your spelling. If you know you might choose the wrong word out of spell check, double check with a dictionary.
“When the Destroy” Should be Destroyer. And watch using capital “The” in front of the name—doesn’t work.
Sweettouch reviewed Version 2 -
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In reading the prologue in the first paragraph felt a little annoyance because I did not feel anything pulling me to learn more. However when I got to the prophecy I was pulled in. Maybe shortening the reading getting to the prophecy would be a good idea. After the prophecy you kept me interested and now I look forward to reading more.
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