Sci Fi & Fantasy / Night By Fire; Chapter 2 (Analysis)
Friends and Elders
Running now, not just from the bad memories, but also because she was going to be late if she didn’t.
Jasmine took the short cut through her favorite place in this world, the cherry orchard. She didn’t particularly like to eat cherries but she loved the cherry blossoms in the spring. The freshmen hall was just on the other side of the orchard.
Panting and out of breath, with cherry blossoms in her deep violet hair, she reached the hall and just when she gotten seated the elders announced their arrival with a soft and sweet melody played by a self playing harp.
“Children of the realms, You have made it past your elementary schooling, but there is just one more test you must take before you are able to go through your final stages of school.” Iridessa was the first to speak, out of the five elders.
The other four are Iris the Dreamer, Stefan the Wise, Terrence the Warrior, and Prilla of the Night. Iridessa is like the head elder even though the elders share the power evenly.
All the elders were wearing the same as the students, white robes, Topaz belts , and moonlets that hung around their heads that show the dorms their in. for Now the moonlets around the students heads were pure black, showing they were high in class but not ranked among the high scholars’.
Prilla’s moonlets are black and silver, symbolizing the night house. The dark colors made her pale skin seem even paler and her bright red hair look like fire.
Terrence’s moonlets are red and gold, symbolizing the warrior house. Not only was the moonlets around his head but also in the hit of his sword, now strapped wound his waist.
Iris, in all her beauty, her moonlets were opal and a vibrant purple. Her house was a question mark to all, except for all the kids who are lucky enough to be placed there. But most know that your skill level must be high, but it’s worth the torture you put yourself through, to get to that level.
Jasmine liked Iris. She has known the elder since she came here. Iris was the person who put Jasmine in her own room instead of having to share a room with three other lower classed orphans. Iris has been the closest thing to family to Jasmine, other then Sanji of course.
Iris smiled at her now and gave her a wink, saying that she wished her luck, but there was also mischief behind the smile. Jasmine hoped that she was the only one who seen it.
“Okay, now that, that is said lets get on with the testing. The first group will be tested by Stefan. Glen Harris, Branson Beor, Luna Sage, Fira Green, Nesse Silvermist, and Bess Duke.”
The people called rose to their feet and followed the white haired elder to a separate room.
“Next are Prilla’s examines; Joy Lovette, Nadiea Liduen, Harrison Thomas, Colette Skoliro, Phoenix Stark, Jamie Bastedo, and Sasha Jones.”
Jasmine’s name hasn’t been called yet, while listening to the other names being called her heart raced, and hands trembled. To ease her nervousness she started picking the cherry blossoms out of her hair.
“Next is Iris’s group” Iridessa said, as Jasmine’s heart skipped a beat, then pounded like she was running a marathon. She wanted to be one of the ones tested by Iris, though she knew Iris could not help her in any way. the test must be fair to all, with that reasoning she knew she would not have Iris, but she still hoped.
“ Sylvia Wyrdra ,Sabra Yawe, Knurlnien Yawe, Siku Beck, Violet Amaruq, Shasta Isadora, and…”
Iridessa looked around the room as if she was contemplating something. Then she looked to Iris, nodded her head and both sets of eyes feel on Jasmine.
“Jasmine Otho.” As Iridessa said her name, Terence the Warrior took in a sudden gasp of air, earning a look from both the women and the remaining students.
“If you would follow me please, I think we’ll have the test outside.” The students that were picked to also be tested by Iris, looked at Jasmine wondering what was going on. Jasmine was asking herself the same question.
Jasmine fell into line behind the only guy in the group, Knurlnien was his name, and he was the only one who seemed unaffected by the warrior’s surprise. Knurlnien was making Jasmine feel even smaller in his shadow, and the other members seemed to shy away from him, even his doe eyed sister Sabra.
“Jasmine right?” Breaking her concentration, a girl with hair as blue as the sky looked at Jasmine, her lime green eyes filled with question. Her name was Sylvia Wyrdra. Jasmine only knew her because she was the first called and the first to stand.
“Yeah, and your Sylvia.” Jasmine answered surprised by the girl’s fearlessness.
“You wouldn’t happen to know what all that back there was about, would you?” she asked, getting right to the point.
“Beats me, I was just as surprised as you were.”
“Figures, I guess the elders are keeping us in the dark, like always.” Sylvia smiled not expecting an answer from the obviously shy Jasmine. Then Jasmine surprised herself by giving her a smile of her own.
“what do you think the test is going to be?” Jasmine asked.
“Don’t know, but I hop I pass. I don’t want to get stuck working in some realm as a servant waiting on people like Joy.”
“Same here.” the Blond hair, blue eyed beauty has a dark side that every girl saw. The guys don’t see past the pretty until they get stuck in the grasp, then they can say good bye to freedom and hello to being a boy-toy. Only not for the purposes you’re thinking of.
“Looks like we will be testing in the orchard, hope you don’t have allergies.” Sylvia laughed and walked back to her place in line.
“Good luck Sylvia, “Jasmine said just before she was ou of hearing range. Sylvia turned and smiled at her.
“You too.” she said and hurried back to her place before Iris started speaking.
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Again, I honestly am not crazy about this piece. As I said in my review to your first chapter, it has to do with your sentence structure, punctuation, and point of view.
You’re the one telling the story. Your readers are getting a story told to them by the author about something that happened to someone else. We want to see and experience the story from your character’s point of view, not yours. It’s not “your” story, it’s Jasmine’s. Do you understand what I’m saying? If not, go back and read some of the popular Science Fiction and Fantasy novels out right now. Harry Potter, Sword of Truth, The Legend of Drizzt. Books such as these give a great example of what I’m talking about.
For your sentence structure, punctuation, etc, I strongly recommend consulting a writing style manual. They are a writer’s best friend and saving grace. It will help you clear up a lot of the problems.
I still wish you luck though. You do have a good start.
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