Novel Treatments / First Dead Chapter 6

At sunrise, Pike pull The Dive’s anchor from its burial place at sea, and cast off for Big Pine Key. He waved to Captain Bill, the crusty, gay owner of the Manland Express, a catamaran painted vivid pink in color. Killer yapped from the Manland’s gunwale, his big, pointed ears twitching in the breeze. Pike grinned, and shook his head. Damn dog, he thought, leave it to me to own the only pup in Florida who gets seasick.


While Killer wasn’t making the trip to Big Pine Key, someone else was. Unbenounced to Pike, Julia Winslow lay flat against the worn wood of The Dive’s dinghy, hidden from view. She held her breath until Pike cast off, and they were well on their way to Big Pine Key.


Pike stood in the cockpit, his tanned arms steering the boat with precision and a single mindedness, much like he did everything else. With Pike there was never a question of what, or who he wanted, Julia thought, and suddenly hated him for it. Her eyes locked on the diamond of her engagement ring. It sparkled in the sunlight, so bright she had to close her eyes against the glare.


What am I doing? she wondered, tears burning behind her eyelids, but she blinked them away. Questions were her enemy now. She’d made her choice, and she would live with it, or die because of it.


Twenty minutes later, dehydration set in, as did painful leg cramps. Julia wanted to scream, but she couldn’t, not for another seven hours. The risk was too great. If Pike found her, he’d turn The Dive around, and she’d be back on shore. The corner of Julia’s mouth lifted, and she slowly shook her head. If Pike was one thing, it was predictable when it came to her. He’d do anything to push her away, to distance himself from the mess she called a life.


Baking under the tarp covering the dinghy, Julia’s mind wandered to the kiss she shared with Pike. It had been too long since she’d felt his touch against her skin. But it could never happen again. Like any vice, smoking, drinking, sex with monkeys, quitting Pike cold turkey was the only way for her to survive.


Just as the heat, and cramped quarters became unbearable, the engine died, and The Dive shuttered once before, sinking into the steady rhythmic waves of the ocean beneath its rusted hull. Julia held her breath, afraid to move.

Seconds ticked by, hot, sweaty, tense seconds. The squeak of boots on the deck, followed by the pop and spray of a can of beer reverberated in the quiet ocean air. In that moment, thirsty beyond belief, she hated Pike more than ever.


Even more than the day he’d broke her heart.


Suddenly the tarp hiding her, lifted, and the sunlight fried her eyes. Her skin burned red with a mixture of anger, heat, and embarrassment.


“Morning,” Pike said, a huge grin on his handsome, bruised face. “Thirsty?”

Handing Julia a can of beer, he reached for her arm and helped her sit up. Julia snatched the beer from his hand, and drank it down in one gulp. She pulled the can from her lips, burped a ladylike burp, and smiled.


“Thanks.”


“You’re welcome.” Pike stretched his neck from side to side. “So wanna tell me what you’re doing here?”


“I missed you?”


He laughed. “Try again.”


Jumping from her dinghy perch, Julia winced as what felt like a thousand pins stabbed along her nerve endings. She danced from foot to foot to ease the sting. “This is important to me. Really important.”


“Why?”


Instead of answering, Julia limped to the port side of the boat, and watched the waves caress the hull. The sun beat down on her bare shoulders, and overhead, a seagull cried a mournful cry. “Do you miss it?” she said her back to him. “Do you miss having a purpose, a calling?” What she really wanted to ask was if Pike missed her, but why bother voicing those words aloud. He’d made his position clear, and she’d abided his decision even though it had cost her greatly.


Pike grabbed Julia’s shoulders, and spun her around to face him. “What’s this about?” The concern in his blue eyes sent a chill across her body. She didn’t deserve his caring, not now, not ever again. Guilt crawled up her throat, but before she did something as stupid as tell Pike the truth, The Dive’s radio crackled to life.


“The Dive, this is Coast Guard Cutter six-zero off Key West. Please switch to channel two-one A,” a voice squawked from the black box attached to the helm. “Do you read, over?”


Pike rolled his eyes, and stomped to the cockpit. “This is The Dive. Switching to channel two-one A. Over.” He fiddled with the channel guide until another voice shot from the speakers, this one deeper and much colder than the first.
“If you so much as lay one hand on my daughter--”


“Ah, Mister President.” Pike sighed. “It’s a pleasure to hear from you.” Which it wasn’t, but when faced with an angry president, a white lie seemed the least an ex-solider could do.


“Where’s Julia?”


From behind Pike, Julia waved her arms, pleading for his silence. He caught her gesture and closed his eyes. Was death still the punishment for treason? he wondered.


“Julia?” Pike hedged.


“Don’t fuck with me, boy. I’ll have you locked in some hole so deep, you’ll never see daylight again.”


“Sir, with all due respect--”


Sparks shot from the radio, and Julia Winslow, only daughter to the president, stood next to Pike, her fingers holding a mass of wires torn asunder from the radio. “Over,” she said with a grin.


“Admit it. You’re the devil.” Pike shook his head. “There’s no other explanation for it.”


“Hush, you big baby.” She smirked. “When we get to shore I’ll buy you a new radio.”


“The radio’s the least of my concerns.”


“I’ll explain everything to Dad,” she paused, “as soon as we find what we’re looking for.”


Pike’s eyes narrowed. Something in the way she spoke the words sent a chill through him. What was it she was seeking? He doubted it was a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. So what was it? And how long would he live to regret his part in her quest?
 

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DCAllen avatar General Stranger

November 14, 2008

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OK, wait. He’d do anything to push her away? He just passionately kissed her in the last chapter. I’m all for a tug-of-war in this relatonship, but this seems like a contradiction.

This reads very much like a Blockbuster movie. It’s well written and very entertaining.

Proofreading Notes:

Pike pull (typo)

Unbenounced ?? = Unbeknownst ??

single mindedness = single-mindedness

Twenty minutes later… (I think you should use past perfect here--had set in--since this is a process that happened up to this time, rather than exactly at this time. Or at least write began to set in.)

...kiss she shared… = had shared

he’d broke = he’d broken

hiding her, lifted (delete comma)

said her back = said, her back…

...aloud. = aloud?

...Dad,” she paused, “as… = ...Dad…as soon as… (I see no reason for she paused here when ellipses would work just fine.)

Streikes avatar General Stranger

November 12, 2008

Streikes

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Streikes reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

i havent read the previous chapters so can i ask, why are pike and julia divorced and what caused the circumstances of how they work around eachother. I like the flow of the story but the president puts me off as being more defensive red neck dad then a presidential style figure. I do like pike though and think that his character role could do very well if developed a bit more.

oknapp avatar General Stranger

November 12, 2008

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Hi,Unbenounced is not a word is it? Perhaps you could say,unbeknown.

“pulled the can from her lips, burped a ladylike burp… Sorry. There is no such thing as a “ladylike burp.” Women who do this have a bit of masculine to them. Perhaps un-ladylike would fit.
I enjoyed this for the most part.I like the sexual tension between Julia and Pike.  
Was death still the punishment for treason? Wrong usage. How about, Was treason still publishable by death???
Would the president talk this way? Would he call Pike himself. This would be way too risky. Where was the Secret Service? In reality, they never let the president or his children out of their sight. You need to look at this and perhaps do research on the Secret Service and the role they play in the president’s life. A very good start. I was interested. Sandi

cyndiratz avatar General Stranger

November 11, 2008

cyndiratz

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cyndiratz reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

Describe the beginning scene for us more.  How does Pike know that Julia is aboard?  You could fill us in on more of their history within the first 2 pages, even just a snipet as to why she feels so addicted to Pike, what is it?  His kiss, his strength, smells etc.  
The story is good but I am wondering if being the daughter of a president fits?  Perhaps, once the story continues I guess.  I would like to read more of this to see what happens next.  I do like how you ended this chapter with the question of what she was seeking.  This leave the reader what about the depth of the character and the story.

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jkazimer avatar

jkazimer

Age: 37
Loc: Denver, CO
Gen: F
Last Login: May 08
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