Thanks for the edits. Sorry, you didn’t see much depth of character, nor like the last line. I have to say though, it fits both the genre and the story. If you find a line like that offensive, then you best not review the other chapters.
Novel Treatments / First Dead Chapter 5
An hour later, Pike climbed from his Jeep, and raised his hand. “Stopp!” he commanded Killer. The pup froze, his stubby tail shaking with excitement. Pike flipped a Pup-Peroni in the air, it tumbled end over end, landing an inch from Killer’s twitching nose. But Killer stayed still as ordered.
“Braver Hund,” good dog, Pike told him. “Hol!”
Killer lunged for the treat, snapping it in pieces with one chomp. Drool spilled from his mouth, coating Pike’s worn passenger seat, but Killer didn’t seem to mind the mess.
“I’m impressed,” Julia said from behind them. Killer barked once, spewing chucks of masticated who knows what in their direction.
“Don’t be.” Pike shook his head. “He’s as dumb as a box of rocks, and that’s being kind.”
“I didn’t know you’d replaced Sugar,” she said, speaking of Pike’s old dog, a Pitbull who’d died around the same time their marriage ended. A dog who’d saved Pike’s life many times. A dog who hated Julia with a doggie passion.
“I don’t tell you everything,” Pike said.
Julia frowned, as if he’d just told her he’d fucked her mother, and half her college debate team. “You swore you’d never get another dog. How many times did you bitch about Princess?” she said, referring to her pet, the incontinent toy poodle in his second term as First Dog.
“Because Princess is a spoiled, pain in the ass.” Pike paused. “And a stupid name for a dog. Killer, here,” he patted the dog’s wide head, “eats wussy dogs like Princess for breakfast.”
Julia arched a perfectly plucked eyebrow. “Killer?”
“I didn’t pick the name.” Pike crossed his arms over his chest, his forearms bulging. “So wipe that smirk off your face, and give me the damn map so we can get this job done, and you can go back to your precious fiancé.”
Looking as if she wanted to say something, but decided against it, Julia lifted a crumpled piece of paper from her bag and handed it to him. Pike opened it, quickly scanning the longitude and latitude. X surely did mark the spot, but the spot of what, he wondered.
The map appeared old, but something about it bothered Pike. Or was it Julia? He’d noticed a slight tremor in her hand when she passed him the map. Was it fear or excitement?
“When do you leave?” She raised her hand to block the sun from her eyes, and the bottom of her white sundress rose to reveal her tanned thighs. All but one of his thoughts scattered.
She cleared her throat, snapping Pike out of his First Daughter fantasy 1832, sex with Julia on the front lawn of the white house during the annual Easter egg hunt. Oh the things I could do with marshmallow peeps, he thought.
“Leave. When?” Her finger tapped his forehead. “Pike, if you’re not up for this, I can find--”
“Shut up, and tell me what I’m looking for.”
And she did, in vivid detail. Twenty minutes later, knowing much more than he ever wanted to know about The Rosalie, Pike promised to ship out at sunrise, and radio her the next morning with a progress report.
“Be careful,” Julia said.
“Always am.” Pike winked, and Julia shook her head. She started to say more, but stopped; instead, she threw her arms around Pike’s neck, and kissed him.
What started out as a chaste kiss quickly turned hot and demanding. Julia pressed her body into his, running her tongue along the inside of Pike’s teeth with abandon. He caressed her breasts through the thin cotton of her dress, remembering every curve of her body like a blind man remembered a sunset, fondly but with bitterness.
Julia broke the kiss, pushing from Pike’s embrace. She stood in the sunlight, lips swollen, skin flushed. Pike wanted her more than ever, and Julia seemed to know it.
Without another word, she walked away, leaving Pike alone in the Smokey and the Bandit parking lot, not a Trans-Am, Burt Reynolds, or other soul in sight.
Pike climbed into his Jeep and patted Killer’s head. “Being neutered has it’s advantages, doesn’t it, boy.”
Instead of answering, Killer licked his empty nutsack, and gave Pike a dopy, doggie grin.
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Owl_Light reviewed Version 1 -
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I love dogs so I loved this doggy story.
Bit confused about the doggy neutering procedure. Empty sacks? Not completely cut off? Didn’t know they did that.
Well handled dialogue and the characterisation was well done, coming as it did throughout the piece rather that in a big chunk at the start. eg big arms. pp eyebrow.
The title is mystifying, which is good too.
Interseting snippets eg about Sugar saving Pike’s life, which are intruguing and draw me on to want to know more.
A very good read. Thankyou.
I know the formatting on Urbis is a bit hit and miss, but it would be interesting to see this without all the tedious double spacing.
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DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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As enjoyable as ever. Killer doing what dogs do at the end is endearing.
Notes:
Does drool “spill”? This sounds too watery. The verbs that come to mind are slaver and slobber, but they both mean to drool. The agent of both would be Killer rather than the drool itself.
who knows what (We do know that it’s Pup-Peroni. A more specific description here?)
dumb as . . . (something original here?)
remembered a sunset, fondly but with bitterness. (I think there’s a way to say this without hitting the reader over the head with it. One adjective before “sunset” would perfect this image/feeling. Also, since he’s kissing her passionately here, has he really lost his “sunset” like the blind man has?)
it’s advantages = its
Amara reviewed Version 1 -
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A few things:
”...Pike flipped a Pup-Peroni in the air, it tumbled end over end, landing an inch from Killer’s twitching nose…”
—-The punctuation in the first part of this sentence threw me WAY off. Perhaps changing it to ”...in the air AND it tumbled…”
”...“I’m impressed,” Julia said from behind them. Killer barked once, spewing chucks of masticated who knows what in their direction…”
—-a misspelling: chucks=chunks*
---“who knows what” should be hyphenated: who-knows-what
—-I think that who-knows-what is just really wrong for this. Maybe something along the lines of “Killer barked once, flinging chunks of the half chewed treat in our direction.”
”...Instead of answering, Killer licked his empty nutsack, and gave Pike a dopy, doggie grin…”
—-This whole line is unnecessary. You could have easily had him do something less repulsive and offensive. It is by no means a building of character, nor is it adding dimension to the story line.
”...What started out as a chaste kiss quickly turned hot and demanding. Julia pressed her body into his, running her tongue along the inside of Pike’s teeth with abandon. He caressed her breasts through the thin cotton of her dress, remembering every curve of her body like a blind man remembered a sunset, fondly but with bitterness…”
—-This line has got to be one of my favorites, by far. It adds much needed dimension to the nearly flat characters. The last sentence is memorable and holds a lot of feeling to it, building on how your lead character feels about Julia.
Hopefully this helps. Good luck to your writing!
kahr reviewed Version 1 -
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not enough sex or the sex part just isn’t rael enough i loved the people in it.ilove it when julia kisses pikes neck
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