Thanks for the review, and great edits.
Novel Treatments / First Dead Chapter 4
At ten minutes after two, dressed in a pair of jean shorts and a faded gray t-shirt, Pike arrived at the opulent Jupiter Beach Resort, which overlooked the ocean and a private sandy beach.
Secret Service agents lined the perimeter, as did a few police snipers, reporters, cops, and protestors. The protestors waved signs, and yelled hate-filled slogans, mostly about the current president’s political views. Julia’s views didn’t seem to factor.
He hopped in the elevator, and was whisked quietly to the presidential suite. Pike wondered which came first, the suite or the first daughter. The elevator doors opened, revealing a long hallway filled with secret service. Men in dark suits, armed with SIG Sauer P229’s, and fitted with specialized earpieces. To Pike they all looked the same, same haircut, same facial expressions even on the female agents.
“Name?” asked a special kind of agent, the flag pin on his lapel glowing proudly.
“Pike.”
He raised an eyebrow.
“One name.” He lifted his hands. “Kind of like Uncle Sam, but without the family ties.”
The agent whispered into his wrist, and a few seconds later, static crackled from his earpiece. Agent Flag-Pin’s pupils widened. The only sign things had gone to hell.
Pike’s fingers flexed, mentally plotting his escape. Kill Flag-Pin with a throat punch, then scissor kick a blow into the secondary agent’s temple. While he smashed against the wall, use his body to block the bullets fired from agents three and four.
“Mr. Pike, please come this way.” Flag-Pin grabbed his arm, and it took every ounce Pike’s control to resist the impulse to kill. He allowed the agent to drag him down the corridor, and into the elevator.
“I take it there’s a problem,” Pike said once the doors closed behind them.
The agent said nothing as the elevator shot down the shaft, stopping in the underground garage. The doors opened, and the agent shoved Pike forward. He faked stumbled, giving his eyes time to search his surroundings. A row of high-priced cars, Mercedes, BMW’s, and Hummers, stood at attention like soldiers. A black limo sat at the end of the row, its shiny presidential plates offered the only explanation Pike would get.
Hail to the Chief.
The president had arrived.
Right on time to save his precious daughter from my evil clutches, Pike thought. A flashbulb popped on Pike’s right, blinding him for a second. Agent Flag-Pin yelled, but it was too late. The photographer had already ducked behind the parked cars and disappeared.
“Looks like you just made the evening news,” said Pike. A no-no for any agent.
Ignoring Pike’s comment, the agent said, “Stay away from Ms. Winslow.” The agent’s fist shot out, catching the edge of Pike on his already bruised jaw. Pike expected the hit, and managed to roll into it, rather than against it. He staggered back a step, but stayed on his feet, his eyes burning with the guarantee of violence.
“Consider it a personal favor to Charlie Brown,” Flag-Pin said, using the secret service code name for the president. All the Presidents, First Ladies, and spoiled kids had them.
The first Bush’s were codenamed Timberwolf and Snowbank. Bill Clinton took the codename Elvis, while Chelsea had the moniker Energy. When Julia arrived in the big white house, she became Pigpen, much to her eighteen-year-old disgust.
“Give Pigpen my regards then, and tell Charlie to go fuck himself.” Pike pivoted on the heel of his foot, and walked away. The agent’s eyes followed him until he disappeared from view.
******
Thirty minutes later, Pike pulled his ringing cell phone from his pocket, and checked the caller ID. “I’m not in the mood,” he said to the caller.
“I’m so sorry.” Julia’s voice crackled through the phone. “I didn’t know Dad was coming. He just showed up.”
“Forget it.” Pike lifted his Aqua Lung regulator from the dive bag, and checked the seal. “Do still want to do this?”
“Yes.”
“Meet me in the parking lot of the Burt Reynolds and Friends Museum off Highway 1.”
“You’re kidding me, right?” She laughed. “How am I supposed to explain my sudden and burning desire to see Smokey and the Bandit’s Trans-Am?”
“That’s your problem.” Pike grinned. “Why not pull the cramps routine and sneak out a window like you used to do to me?”
“Because I’ve matured.”
“Bullshit.” He added, “I’m guessing your reasoning has more to do with the twenty story drop from your suite.”
“Good point.” Her voice softened. “I’ll meet you in one hour.”
“Great.” He paused. “I’ll be the guy without the mustache, cowboy hat, or Trans-Am.” They hung up, and Pike finished his equipment check. For some reason, call it a premonition, he added a spear gun to his equipment list. Too bad, he didn’t add a couple of pounds of c-4, and a tech-9.
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Marvin reviewed Version 1 -
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good opening. establishes setting and character. nice.
“secret service. Men in dark suits, arm”—maybe a semicolon here. ”men in dark…” line is a fragment. i ran into a wall when i reached the end of it, looking for more. jarring. to me.
“pupils widened. The only”—maybe consider a comma here. I’ve read some of your work before, and while this seems to be your style, to me, it’s disruptive.
“stood at attention like..”—odd way to describe cars. not sure if i like it.
“its shiny presidential plates offered the”—consider “offering.” or not.
“They hung up, and Pike finished”—you could kill “They hung up.” Not really necessary.
overall-
excellent pace, spare, good movement. interesting characters, sharp dialogue. this is well written. i’ve read a chapter before, and i’m a bit out of sequence, but I get a good vibe from this work.
criticisms?
small blips. much of it could just be personal preference.
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metaphoricalsimile reviewed Version 1 -
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You’re writing a novel. Don’t be sparse with your words. You gloss over settings and descriptions. Why not show us what the “opulent” resort looks like, use quotations to let us hear the hateful invective of the crowd, etc.
If Pike can tell the exact model of pistol that the agents are using, does it mean that they have them drawn? Or can he somehow tell by the bulge in the breast of their jackets? Also, describing the pistol to the reader, and letting the reader know what kind of firearm it is will be more helpful than writing a model number.
Sarah_Sassy reviewed Version 1 -
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I found this to be a very interesting piece. I have a few minor suggestions below.
“To Pike they all looked the same, same haircut, same facial expressions even on the female agents.”
The sentence above either needs a semi colon separating same and same, or to be rephrased. An example of how you might rephrase this sentence is to say something like “To Pike all of the agents looked the same, from their hair cuts to their facial expressions.” You could leave out the part about the female agents.
“He allowed the agent to drag him down the corridor, and into the elevator.”
The word “Drag” implies they use force to get him down the hall – maybe they “guided him, his step reluctant.” down the hall instead?
“Too bad, he didn’t add a couple of pounds of c-4, and a tech-9.”
This sentence seems to foreshadow what is to come. You could make this a little more clear by writing “Later he thought it was too bad that he didn’t add…”
Overall, a really intriguing piece! I loved how the dialogue kept the plot moving along. Good work!
DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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Still very entertaining. The narrative is fresh.
Notes:
P229’s = P229s (plural rather than possessive)
same, same = same: same . . .
seconds later, static (delete comma)
ounce Pike’s control (insert “of”?)
hit, and managed (no comma here because there is no new subject after the conjunction. Here also: ... step, but stayed …)
on the heel of his foot (awkward. What other heel would he have? Sorry, I’m enjoying this very much, so please take this positively. :)
pocket, and checked (Again: You don’t use a comma before the conjunction if you have no new subject. If you had written ” . . . pocket, and he checked . . .” the comma would be correct.)
“Do still want . . .” (typo?)
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