Sci Fi & Fantasy / THE WATCHMAN - Chapter 1.2 -The Captured

CHAPTER 1 – The Captured (Pt 2)


Teeabu, Delah and other passengers spilled out from the train terminal into the bright sun.

“Aaaaeee, I’m over here!” Boon, cried out, waving.

Hand shielding his face, Teeabu recognized the old classic hydro-lift, a nine-passenger car, pulled up behind other hydro-lifts and a hydro-bus. An electro-magnetic push to counteract the planet’s magnetic pull made the vehicles hover a mere ten inches above ground. Beneath, steam that powered the engine escaped from specialized vents in the chassis.

Boon grinned with a tooth missing and crazed look, sporting red shorts, a dirty white short-sleeved top, and boots up to his knees. He slapped his hand on the orange lift. “Ain’t she a beaut? Kept her shining. Hop in everyone, me canopy’s down today. Sun’s shining like a polished wheel and the wind’s slowed to a purr. Gotta take advantage of that, ain’t that right, Priest Tee?”

Teeabu nodded. “Can’t pass that up.” Jerron leaped into the second row of seats. Teeabu took his cue and jumped in the same row without opening the car door to let the other passengers in.

Delah slapped her hands on her thighs. “That’s not right. You didn’t open the passenger door, guys.”

“Ohhh, they’re just boys, little Dee. Here.” Boon graciously bowed with door opened to let her in. Two other children pushed ahead of her to pile in the third row of seats. “No, no, no, kiddies not fair. Achh, never mind. Get on in.”

Eyes squinted, Teeabu noticed Delah didn’t budge. She leaned with hands on the lift. “I can’t. I got to go somewhere. Teeabu, will you meet me at the shack?”

“Boon, will you wait for us?” Teeabu asked. “This’ll just take a sec.” Teeabu heard protests from the passengers, kids from his neighborhood, including Jerron.

“Only a sec.” Boon waved him out of the lift.

Near the terminal’s entrance, Teeabu took Delah by the elbow and escorted her there, out of hearing distance. “You know you’ve got to come home with us, so what’s eating you?”

“I have a surprise at the shack. If I don’t go, something bad will happen.”

“Then you can’t go if you feel something bad will happen. Come on.” Teeabu pulled her by the arm, she pulled him easily back.

“No. I’m going and you can’t stop me. Will you come?”

Teeabu exhaled, rolled his eyes, and finally gave in. “Okay.”

“Don’t tell my mother about this, okay?” It’ll only take ten minutes for me to get there.”

“I’ll be there. I promised already.”

She darted away, almost fast as a speeding hydro-lift. Teeabu ran back to Boon’s hydro-lift and leaped back into the second row.

Jerron, smacked him on the back. “Not keeping any secrets from us are you, big brother.”

Boon interrupted talking from the front as he put the lift in gear and took off. “Speaking of keeping secrets, did anyone notice the blackout? I’m wondering if it was just me.”

With the canopy down, Teeabu felt the breeze blowing through his hair. “Yeah, we noticed it.” He leaned against the headrest in front, “Delah said it could’ve been the Centrex.”

“It, sure enough, had to be something like that. Cutting off everything you need. Then my lovely girl here,” Boon patted the upholstery, “she almost died on me, but I had a backup generator. It’s crazy. My question is, why in all Hades is this happening? Just thinking about it, gives me the creeps. We should’ve kept little Dee with us.”

He thought it wouldn’t be necessary, remembering how she had pushed a bully down, bigger than her, with her fingertips.

They zipped down the roadway, passing green fields of Reedpods, snaking around yellow and brown cornfields with fields of wheat a few acres back. Soon the homes appeared, round beautifully curved, some appearing as part of a hillside, others weren’t near hills to tuck under. These modern structures made of titanium and coated with Reedpod resin, to protect from the planet’s fire and rain, resembled Shatazar’s terra.

Teeabu hopped out of the hydro-lift and waved back at Boon and Jerron. The home angled under a hill with round pillars eight inches thick, twelve inches apart left way for a door, their portal. Without thought, he rushed into the portal where Yutva met him.

Once a slave to Araidia, she had been one of the few to escape the shielded city. She’d been elected as Mother of Irema, and her dress reflected her religious and political position in the village. The tunic and long skirt luxuriously clung to her figure. A brass collar adorned her graceful neck. An elegant woman, her square jaw and chiseled cheekbones reflected strength, tenacity, and her hair was gathered high like a crown.

The stately woman of mahogany complexion seized his arm. “Where is Delah?” Yutva asked, her hazel eyes widening.

“She went…” Teeabu scanned the room. Glass panels let light shine through. The living room was pristine with a couch, silver and gray pillows, all-glass entertaining table, and white rug.

“What’s wrong?” He asked and stiffened. Her expression was set hard as stone. She narrowed her eyes. He hadn’t done anything wrong today. He had just been inducted as an apprentice into the priesthood. Shiadung! She breathed hard. He had done something wrong.

“Why didn’t you bring her?” Yutva gave Teeabu’s arm a jerk to emphasize the question.

“I… I just left….” He pointed toward the doorway. “She didn’t take the hydro-lift with me. When we got off the train, she said she’d be at the shack and that’s only about ten minutes away from here. Then she took off and--”

“Why didn’t you stop her?” Yutva pursed her lips. “Never mind, never mind. Is Boon still outside?”

“He left to drop everyone off.”

“We have to fetch her.” She loosened her grip on his forearm and rested her quaking hand on his shoulder.

She hadn’t even inquired how the ceremony went. Something was deadly wrong. His heart hiccupped within his chest, drummed in his ears. Why hadn’t he grabbed Delah and demanded that she come home? He’d never seen Yutva so anxious before. She was often demanding and authoritative, but never frightened. She’d never dismiss something important like him not bringing Delah back home.

Yutva rubbed her arms as if it were cold and turned to leave.

Leptis, an Araidian, entered the room. Just when I though trouble can’t get any worse, Teeabu thought. Now Delah’s mother would chime in. He couldn’t wait to leave and find his cousin. He was a priest now holding a high rank, man enough to do this. If he left now, he could find her without any fuss from either of them. Teeabu snatched the card-key from the lamp table and slipped away out of their sight to bring Delah back home safely.

………………………………

“Is something wrong?” Leptis asked.

“Something is very wrong.” Yutva paced back and forth to calm her fears. She prepared herself for this event in her elegant fuchsia and gold embroidered two-piece skirt suit. Long and heavy, the material made a swishing sound from her strides. “The Watchman Ontomus has died. We have to gather the Council of Irema and the Elders now.”

Leptis voice tensed; she rubbed her forehead. “They’ve just had the ceremony. It might not be difficult to contact them.” Her eyes scanned the room. “Have you seen Delah?”

“She’s not here. Our little one is in danger out there. We have to find her. I’m afraid our treaty has been breached. I haven’t received an answer back from Yal. If we don’t act fast enough, there won’t be an Irema.” Yutva shuddered at how cold and calculative she sounded. She couldn’t leave and search for the only child she birthed and longed to hold as her own. Her religious position restricted her from bearing children without a husband. Shaking away the unpleasant thought, she had to take matters into her hand and warn the elders.

“Teeabu!” She turned to tell him to fetch Delah, but he was gone.

Leptis eyes brightened, golden sparkles within her iris nearly covered her eyes, indicating her blood pressure had risen. “How did you know about the Watchman’s death? Do you know what this means?”

Yutva nodded. She knew. It meant chaos and more invasions. Yutva had dependable resources from where she had gotten her information.

“My sources tell me that the Watchman Ontomus’ filthy, blasphemous son of the devil has taken the Chair.”

“Oh no.” Leptis covered her face with hands. “There’s no way out. We’re dead.” She started to breathe erratically, her chest moving up and down.

Yutva grabbed Leptis by her shoulders and hugged her. “We’re not doomed. And my words toward Eyetna were not meant for you. It isn’t good for me to thrash out insults like that and hurt you.” Yutva released the hug and reached for Leptis’ cold hand and held it. “I’m sorry to call him that. He’s still your brother.”

“I can’t believe how evil they are. And Araidians, too! What are we going to do? Delah? She’s out there alone.” Leptis wiped her tears off her cheeks.

“There’s no time to analyze the problem. Hopefully, Yal is still an ally and hasn’t forgotten goodness.”

The Araidian woman reached for Yutva’s arm. “I am so sorry. If I only knew about this beforehand, I could’ve helped.” Leptis kept shaking her head and apologizing for Betha and Eyetna’s deeds.

Yutva wrung her hands and remembered that fateful night when the Watchman’s guards had arrested her and Yal from their marriage bed. Betha-busa and Eyetna had instigated the seizure. It was unheard of, even punishable by death, for a union between an Araidian, especially one of the royal court, and a mere Shatarian slave. Yutva had been grateful for Leptis’ defense before the Watchman Ontomus, supporting their union. But that, too, was futile. This Watchman had been too weak in character to defend the lovers.

Banishment into the poisonous desert was Yutva and Leptis’ sentence, a sure death for anyone with no food and water. And any Araidian would instantly die from inhaling poisonous pollens from the Reedpods.

But Yutva had not died.

Yal, her beloved and husband no more, had been forced to mindling with the Centrex, the Araidian’s central computer, to forget her. Yutva had witnessed the grueling replacement of memory, the pain in Yal’s beautiful light-brown eyes.

She shrugged her shoulders. The Centrex was only a machine and the guardians of the computer, servants. The evidence of Yutva and the Counselor’s love for each other had tied the Watchman’s hands. That had sentenced Yutva and Leptis to die in exile.

Yutva embraced Leptis to calm her and yearned for what could have been. “We could do nothing but survive.”

“Thank you for immunizing Yal and me. I wish he was banished with us, too.”

For many years, Yutva distanced herself from feeling the pain of not being a mother to her child, not having Yal’s arms around her. She shivered, nearly screamed, wanting to burst into tears and let her sanity go. His dark curly hair, full lips, gentle face, strong physique haunted her many nights. Today, she wouldn’t break when her people needed her more now than ever. She straightened up, wiped her eyes.

“No, he surely would’ve been killed. It’s good he’s still alive. Maybe, one day he’ll remember us.” Yutva frowned and rushed to the portal. “We mustn’t loiter. Leptis, fetch Delah for me, please?”

Leptis agreed.

“And find where Teeabu is, quickly! I must gather the council right away. This is urgent.”

After Leptis left to locate the two children, Yutva hastened downstairs to a large console room with terminals, intercoms, and a communication network with detection systems. Leptis had knowledge of these systems and knowledge of the Centrex in Araidia. Yutva remembered the days and nights when her friend had drilled this knowledge into her and taught her every aspect of the equipment.

Today, she would prove her training had not been in vain.

A strange hum came from one of the terminals. She couldn’t quite see the image until a few moments later. She diverted her attention to call other council members when the hum grew loud into an alarm. Dark shadows appeared on the blue-lit screen, they danced closer, small ebony pinpoints that appeared to be ships. It can’t be! Eyetna didn’t wait for the negotiations, that evil….

“Delah!” Yutva cried out. “Teeabu, Leptis! They’re here.”

Yutva turned to run up the ramp, too late. Her ceiling caved in from the explosions. She dove under the console credenza for cover.
 

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FrakKevin avatar Random Review

November 06, 2008

FrakKevin

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
FrakKevin reviewed Version 3 - Read 100% of the Item

So far I like it, but with all the unique naming of factions and characters…it’s going to take me awhile to adjust to them. I like how you transitions from Teeabu’s chapter to Yutva. You gave a lot of background info on Yutva without taking up a lot of typing room. You explained the situation with her and her husband in a small paragraph. I must admit, I did take me awhile to get into it…I got into it once Teeabu arrived at home. I like war and political like stories…and this is one of them.

dylanmatthews avatar General Stranger

November 04, 2008

dylanmatthews

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
dylanmatthews reviewed Version 3 - Read 100% of the Item

So, this is a tough piece to critique because of the genre it is in.  When you are dealing with an alternate world it is difficult sometimes to seel it to the point of believablility.  you accomplished this on and off.  Right away we are brought in with extreme detail about the train that creates a wonderful image.  This works well.  What didn’t work for me was when on page 3 Once a slave to Araidia. wasn’t explained enough.  I thank you for sparing us the extremely detailed family history but some things need to be explained, even if it is a little comment like Once a slave to Araidia, due to…,.  This is a believable piece because there are few made up words which creates concrete images.  There are great lines hidden throughout like, She prepared herself for this event in her elegant fuchsia and gold embroidered two-piece skirt suit. Long and heavy, the material made a swishing sound from her strides.  This created a wonderful image and was well written.  Please take the time to flush out the main idea so you don’t become overwhellmed and end up with a string of books that never come to a solid conclusion.

Mozart avatar General Stranger

November 03, 2008

Mozart

REVIEW QUALITY: 50.0%(2 votes ) personal info reviewer stats
Mozart reviewed Version 3 - Read 50% of the Item

Okay, I won’t deny that this isn’t really my favourite genre but I still found it interesting.  The characters seem to interact well with eachother within the narrative, but one thing I would say is that the whole story seems very dialogue driven.  I don’t have a problem with this, but I do think that you could add more creativity to this, as who have in creating your alternate reality.

The Dialogue seems to just slow thing down abit and be stilted and awkward, like all the characters are nervous on a first date.

One the positive side, I did really fall for the story straight away and did find an empathy with the characters (especially Boon)!

In general I might suggest that you use the odd semi-colon to break up your paragraphs without using a full stop or a comma.

These are just thoughts and I hope that you won’t take my critisisms to heart.

Well done,

Rob

steve100 avatar General Stranger

November 03, 2008

steve100

REVIEW QUALITY: 0.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
steve100 reviewed Version 3 - Read 100% of the Item

I notice quite a few Authors write their stories almost in the past tense, there is a term for it but I cannot remember what it is. I think a book can sometimes be improved by bringing the text into the present. Rather than reading from a distance with lots of ‘ed’s, you draw the reader more into the story by using more ‘ing’s. For example, you wrote above;

Leptis voice tensed; she rubbed her forehead. “They’ve just had the ceremony. It might not be difficult to contact them.” Her eyes scanned the room. “Have you seen Delah?”

To draw the reader in and make it flow, throw in a few ‘ing’s. Sometimes it works better by reversing the order of the sentence as well.

Rubbing her forehead, Leptis’s voice tensed. “The ceremony has finished so we could try contacting them.” Eyes scanning the room, “Where is Delah?”

When I noticed this in my own writing, I did end up rewriting it all, so be warned if there is any merit to what I have said!!!! lol.

It may well be the style I prefer and nothing to do with your writing, but hopefully it will help anyway. My apologies if it does not, lol.

Cheers,

Steve.

Stephenmacinerney avatar General Stranger

November 03, 2008

Stephenmacinerney

REVIEW QUALITY: 50.0%(2 votes ) personal info reviewer stats
Stephenmacinerney reviewed Version 3 - Read 38% of the Item

I enjoyed all the characters and the way they intertwined through the story. I would look for may be a bit more action just to spice it up a little. Other than that enjoyable
Stephen  

oknapp avatar General Stranger

November 02, 2008

oknapp Prolific-icon-medium

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
oknapp reviewed Version 3 - Read 100% of the Item

Sun’s shining like a polished wheel and the wind’s. I think i would use another comparison. A polished wheel and the sun has little connection. I know I’m picky but you would want nothing less than my best.

Something was deadly wrong. This might be a little dramatic. I know because i am  a drama queen  sometimes  in my fiction. I have said this very thing. How about something was wrong, he could feel it. I started to write something equally as dramatic and stopped myself hahaha.

“I can’t believe how evil they are. It so much better if you allude to this. SHOW The reader the evilness in the dark heart.

You have a very vivid imagination to think all these people up. I am amazed at how well you handle your many characters. It is hard more than a few characters stand out, some get lost if the writer is not careful but you do very well. I no awkwardness in the way deal with them.
I did not snooze. You have left the reader with a cliff-hanger and this is good. I would like to see more pages like this. There is character development here. I am pleased. Sandi

SwordMistress avatar General Stranger

November 02, 2008

SwordMistress Prolific-icon-medium

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
SwordMistress reviewed Version 3 - Read 100% of the Item

Riveting chapter! It flows smoothly and ends with a great cliff hanger. I especially liked the part with Leptis and Yutva. I could feel what Yutva was feeling.

“spilled out from” I think ‘out of’ flows a little better.

“pulled up behind” Not sure, you may want to use ‘parked.’ I almost get the feeling that the hydro-lift is parking now, instead of already there.

“Teeabu nodded. “Can’t pass that up.” Jerron” Start a new paragraph with Jerron. Other wise it’s not completely clear who just spoke, Teeabu or Jerron.

“Delah slapped her hands on her thighs.” I’m not sure this motion fits with the dialogue. Is Delah annoyed, angry, slightly irritated?

“graciously bowed with door opened” I think there’s something missing here.

“escorted her there,” not sure where there is. Maybe just say ‘escorted her out of hearing distance.’

“Then you can’t go if you feel something bad will happen.” ‘If you feel something bad will bad will happen, then you can’t go.’ I think it reads a little better this way. Otherwise you end the last two sentences the same way.

“almost fast as a speeding hydro-lift.” Isn’t this a bit of an exaggeration?

“ran back to Boon’s hydro-lift and leaped back” Delete one of the ‘backs.’

“are you, big brother.” brother?”

“from the front “ Not necessary. We already know he’s in front, especially after you say he puts the lift in gear.

“He thought” had thought, because he was thinking this earlier, wasn’t he? That’s why he let her go.

“round beautifully curved,” This might be me just being picky, but what makes the curves beautiful? Isn’t a curve a curve. Also if it’s round, it would have to have curves.

“titanium and coated with Reedpod resin,” This makes wonder what colors the homes are. Can they color the titanium? What color is the Reedpod resin? Or are all the home steel colored?

“waved back” delete back. You’ve never actually said that anyone waved at Teeabu.

“for a door, their portal.” A door and a portal are the same thing.  

“She went…” four dots.

“His heart hiccupped within his chest, drummed in his ears.” I’m not sure he can feel his heart hiccupping in his chest at the same time it’s drumming in his ears. Hiccupping sounds more like he’s having some sort of spasm in his chest. What about clenched or skipped a beat? Froze in his chest?

“when I though” thought

“Yutva shuddered at how cold and calculative” This is okay, except that her speech doesn’t sound cold or calculative to me. Her words sound concerned about Delah and the fate of Irema.

“her hand” hands

“Watchman Ontomus’ filthy, blasphemous son” This is a little confusing. Is Eyetna, Ontomus’s son? If so, you may want to consider mentioning the fact the he just took over the throne. The beginning gave me the impression that Eyetna was in charge a long time. Okay you do clear that up later, but I still think we need to know Eyetna just took over the throne in the first part. If you mentioned and I’ve forgotten I apologize profusely;)

“face with hands.” her hands

“I could’ve helped.” How could she have helped?

“he was banished” had been banished

SwordMistress avatar General Stranger

March 26, 2008

SwordMistress Prolific-icon-medium

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SwordMistress reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

This was a good piece. Just a few comments.

“He stiffened, recognizing her expression set hard as stone. She squinted, which meant she was angry.” Since this is written from Teeabu’s point of view you don’t need to tell us that he recognizes it. Try to just describe her look. Narrowed eyes might be more effective here. People squint for many different reasons.

“She didn’t even inquire how the ceremony went. Something was deadly wrong. His heart began to palpate. He’d never seen Yutva so anxious before… maybe demanding, authoritative… but never scared.” This is done well!

“and roughly chaffed her arms” I think you mean “chafed” but it’s still a strong word for someone rubbing their arms. Chafing will rub skin off.

“Her eyes scanned the room.” This might work better if you moved it before “Have you seen Delah?”

“Yutva sighed and remembered that fateful night when Betha and Eyetna had found her only love, Yal, Ontomus’s councilman, in the marriage bed with herself.” This is awkward. You do a good job of working in this background information.

I’m not quite feeling how upset Leptis and Yutva are. I think you could a little more with it.

Excellent ending.

stygmarsh avatar General Stranger

April 07, 2007

stygmarsh

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
stygmarsh reviewed Version 2 - Read 100%% of the Item

A nice read. It flowed well. Here are some suggestions.
I think Teeabu might ask Yutva a bit more directly whats wrong, or you could put in the reason he doesnt?
“Leptis entered the room. Trouble can’t get any worse” shouldnt this be something like “just when I thought my Trouble can’t..”?
Id like you to expand what his cousin (name him here?) was going to do in “.. to do this without any problem.”
Maybe “Still, he is your brother” should be “He is still your brother”?
I wonder if the description of Yutva “Once a slave to Araidia, etc..” would be better earlier in the chapter when we meet her? Then here you could remind us of her position – and so her response to L’s question which makes L cringe.
Insert for into “grateful Leptis’ defence”
“She ran past the..”
Not sure about “bellowed” if its so cute?

Its an exciting storyline and I continue to be interested

grand_peion avatar General Stranger

January 20, 2007

grand_peion

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
grand_peion reviewed Version 2 - Read 100%% of the Item

ok first ill say my grammer and such isnt the best my best area is to tell you my personal likes and dislike i read alot everything from the harvard classics to a book from the bargin bin. so i hope what i tell you can be of some use.
ok i never was a fna of chaing pov
the story moves along very fast. i would sugest slowing down a little and letting the reades understand more without russing through

your words and meaning dont always match up
Yutva so anxious before… maybe demanding, authoritative… but never scared. (anxuous means uneasy not scared, and the word maybe isnt needed its just a space waster

ok you got a good story a little fastpaced for me you charters are a little odd they seem not to follow a single mind menaing their overall attitude seems to shift but its hard to say if thats good or bad with this small of a segment.
if i was browing and ran acorss this book thir would be about a nine percent chance id buy it depending on what eles was around. if you slow down work on your visualtion desciption (meaning words matching to sentence) it would go up dramtiacly hope i was of some help

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