Poetry / Drinking Buddy

I like this little poem. It sums up very well a kind of mourning. I think the rhythym could be improved, perhaps partly by changing the line breaks.

“In a bar the size of a closet”, has more syllables and a different rhythym than the previous lines.

I would put a comma after “over time”

I like the last five lines the best; they roll off the tongue. There’s some missing punctuation.

I wouldn’t capitalize each line if I were you; that’s something for more formal poems I think.

I liked how as it went along it felt sad and sort of painful at the same time
and i say its its a well done job
you trap the reader from the beginning so they have to finish

Well, I cant deny It’s touching and it is clear and warm the heart yet I’m not sure it’s a poem. I would say that it’s more memory writing, At list the first part till “It’s sad how much memory has faded” after that the text tends to become a poem of some sort.
I would add some emotions here, you were good friends, he’s gone now. Weren’t you choke standing near his grave, haven’t it brought tears to your eyes? Is it possible not putting it into the poem?

Nicely done.

I’ve stood over a number of graves and have always wondered if it was to be my last time to visit someone who wasn’t really there. You did well to capture that moment, and to pinpoint the reality of carrying someone with you, without getting sentimental about it.

The only real critiques I would offer are in the realm of rhythm and therefore punctuation and excess words:

“Were more of a testament” I’d lose the word “of”

“I won’t be visiting anymore” – could use a period at the end. I really like the end stop of your first line and feel like you could get away with it here as well.

“Out on the edge of town.” You could also stand to lose the word “out”

Again, well done.

I was pretty entertained.  Not written like a pro but it has it’s moments.  I do enjoy the message of it and that it makes you think.  It’s a very true statement of how we should remember those that have passed on with just the simplest of things.

Very well written and constructed. I havent yet mastered the technique of formatting my poem into short lines. Your poem has alot more effect with the correct formatting you use. It definately is a sad poem, but becasue of what it is saying…you could probably try to deliver a little more pain to the reader through your words if you really wanted to captivate the reader. It is clear that you have lost someone dear. Find a way to translate that pain onto paper without being too specific. Or maybe that is not what you were going for… Over all, very good…just wasn’t lost in it or anything. Keep up the good work.

This pulled at the emotionals a little. Your vocabulary doesn’t leave the ready to know your views, ... whether you are sad by the loss or just going through the motions of paying respect. This allows the reader to play a part in your poem. If that was your intent, well done. If it wasn’t, you might want to add more specific words to show your emotional state.