Sci Fi & Fantasy / "Death Lines" A Working Title, Chapter One (Analysis)

Your voice is amazing.  I sometimes am not a huge fan of the narrator thing, but I love your style.  

I like the idea that he doesn’t see people dying in the ways that it is usually portrayed.  The life line idea gives his gift a kind of beauty.  I think it is and interesting and unique way to describe the lives of people, and it is kind of subtle, not a glaring – he has a vision of your death- kind of thing.  The subtlety works nicely with your voice and in my opinion makes the piece very cohesive.

I am interested to find out how he will use this for the betterment of man, and if your life line can change based on decision changes, or if those decision changes are already predestined…

I loved reading this, it kind of gave me chills when Jeremy finally realized that he could see when and how people died even though I knew it was coming.

Yeppie…something original. Chapter 1 does seem like a longer version of the prologue though. I excited to see how your plot turns out…and see what kind of side characters you add into the story. Grammar was a didnt spot anything..but Urbis did screw up the size of your fonts. Also great job on explaining the details of his powers…instead of just telling what his gift was.

I thought this was a very interesting piece of work you have. It uses good word choice and has great description words.
I like the introduction; that was really great. However, I think the beginning of Chapter 1 needs a bit of work. “This is the story of…” is a line that has been used many times. When people hear this line, usually they shut down and just skim. Don’t get me wrong; it’s not like you should totally destroy the line, because i liked the line “a more or less ordinary man with a more or less ordinary life”, but just something to replce “this is a story about…”

Just one more thing here. I didn’t really like how you started out with how he went to college and gained his degree, then went back to his childhood and how he grew up. That kind of makes it unorganized. Your best bet is probably just to start out as a little boy.

Other than that, i think everything else is just dandy.
:D

This is a good start to an interesting story.  I can see how this idea could go in many fun directions, and am looking forward to reading more.

There are a couple of things that I noticed that you might want to consider.  First and foremost is that this entire chapter is almost all telling.  Rather than have the narrator relate all of the details, I would have preferred to discover them with Jeremy.  As he first saw the lines and was shocked and scared, as he learned to study them surreptitiously, as he became aware of their significance – through all of this, I would rather be in his head, feeling his emotions, hearing his thoughts.  His epiphany in the morgue would’ve had a greater impact, to me, if I was going through it with him as opposed to watching from a safe distance.

The other thing I noticed is that on a couple of occasions, the voice of the narration changed.  It’s from a 3rd person, omniscient POV, with a sort of intelligent, teacherly delivery, but slips into what seems to be young Jeremy’s voice a couple of times.  Like here:

He did not escape from the womb with a sure knowledge of the delivering doctor’s eventual demise. His visions of what he came to refer to as “death lines” didn’t begin, sadly enough, until around the time he became pubescent. Needless to say, this caused Mr. Cobb to be quite a confused little boy. Not only did he have to come to terms with the fact that girls were becoming progressively less ICKY…
- the use of the work “icky” doesn’t fit with the rest of the narrative, imho

Unnerving as it was to see what no one else seemed to see, his discomfort slowly subsided and gave way to a kind of curiosity. Where for a time he had shied away from making eye contact with anyone for fear of being confronted by the lines etched upon their faces, he began to actively examine the lines. He would study the faces of those he knew as much as he thought he could get away with without making them uncomfortable or appearing to be some kind of a LEERING CREEP
- again, “leering creep” doesn’t fit

Lastly, and this is a style issue and as such purely a matter of opinion, I would off-set the last sentence of the first paragraph of chap 1, and put it in its own paragraph for effect.  I think it gives a better “punch” and impact this way.

Anyway, as I said, this is a good start.  Let’s see some more!

I think you’ve got something of a nice concept here – the ability to see/predict someone’s death opens up all sorts of possibilities for the story.

However, I think this needs reworking.  You indicate this is chapter 1, but to me it reads more like a summary or an outline.  It’s very passively told, rather than being active.  It’s also a big info-dump.

Especially with this being the start of the novel, I think you need to start out with some action, something dramatic that will hook readers in more.

For example, you could start with a scene where he’s younger and he first sees the lines – he could freak out and his mother comforts him, or something like that.  Or you could start later in the story with something dramatic to do with the sinister forces you mentioned and then what’s here could be told in flashback, perhaps.

I think it needs to be more about active scenes, rather than just telling us stuff at the beginning.

I also think it needs some emotional hook at the beginning.  Why do I care about this boy?  What is there for me to identify with?  Does he have a girlfriend or unrequited love?  You mention lots of friends, but does he have a best friend he always hangs out with?  Does his boss at the hospital hate him and then the boss turns out to be part of the sinister group?

What’s the emotional context, and what’s the conflict?  I know you say there’s the sinister group in your notes, but as a new reader to your book they will more likely want that up front so they have something to keep them reading.  At the moment this feels a little too self-contained.  He works out what the lines are, but what leads me on in wanting to read the rest of the story?

Lastly, I think you should redo the introduction section.

You could make it be an extract from another book, maybe.  Perhaps it could be an ancient book of prophecy or some textbook.  Or maybe an essay written by some discredited genius?

At the moment it just reads too “camp-fire narrator” if you see what I mean.  ’Once upon a time’ would almost fit in it, if you see what I mean, and I think that lends the wrong air to your story.  I get more of a serious feeling from what it’s about – a guy who can see people’s deaths.

I hope that’s of some use.

A highly unexplored area of ‘vision senory’ that is as untapped as palm reading, challages the vocabulary and grips at the emagination. If in completion it seems to be able to carry the reader through the story always questioning where this story will lead and the many possible adventures and exploits of the main charicter. show strong make-up in and of the main charicters self-examination as to sanity and releives the reader with a comfortable surroundings while folllowing the main charicter in his endevors to key into this ESP sight.

I am very interested! I love the idea of someone knowing the mortality of others. It is a fascinating idea. While this first chapter draws the reader in and leaves us wanting more, I think a little more description of what the lines look like, or how the crossing lines appear to Jeremy Cobb, would be a nice element to add. I am definately hooked though and would love to read more.

Great Great Great!!
You had me hooked from the beginning. I can’t wait to read Ch.2, do you have any idea when I can look forward to it?
Do you have anything that is published, if so I would be very interested in going out to get it (whatever it is). If not, you need to get published ASAP, you have an amazing gift.
The only negative thing I have to say is that you made me realize how far I have to go to get to that level of writing. I hope I’m up for it, because that is one doozie of a challenge. Hopefully it will turn into a positive thing by making me a better writer. We’ll see:)
Anyway congrats, you are definitely on your way.
I’ll be able to say “I read his writing when he was starting out” once you become a rich and famous author.
Plus I am going thru the roof because you critqued my poem and at the end actually said you liked it. Wow! You just made me so very happy. Thanx again for that.
Take care.
(I will be anxiously awaiting Ch.2!!)