Poetry / To Love a Mortitian (Analysis)

Intense and neurotic in the best way. The only thing I’m kind of iffy about is the first line where it says ‘by the certainty of death by drowning’ I wish you could have restructured it in a way to limit yourself to using ‘by’ only once. I mean, for a line with 8 words total, its a shame to use the same word more than once.

Hi,
First, I find the subject very interesting.  I also found the suggestion that to love a mortitian is a special kind of love.  If you were ever considering writing on this subject again, or expanding this poem, that might be an interesting notion to explore.  Though I wouldn’t suggest this be longer… I like the length.  The criticism I have is that I find certain word choices confusing.  I love the opening two lines (except I think you start the poem with “By” instead of “And”), but the third doesn’t quite resonate for me.  I think I see what you’re trying to do, I would suggest making the language more sensual.  I imagine the water like fingers wrapping around their necks and pulling them in as someone would in a kiss.  I would also consider not starting that line with “that,” instead make it present – “reaching.”  Also, why “on nails” at the end of the 4th line?  If it is just to reiterate the lengths you’d go, I don’t think it’s necessary, being on hands and knees is enough. I also must admit, I don’t totally understand the last two lines.  I like the choice of “hem,” as though you are taking care, putting back together… but I find “by your underbelly,” “by your under-” confusing.  This might be me not understanding the totality because you also begin the poem with “by” so perhaps you are trying to tie those images together.. but “to hem you at your underbelly;” or just “to hem your underbelly;” makes more sense to me.  

I hope this review was helpful.  Powerful piece, thanks for posting.
Emily