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Poetry / Great Expecations 2.0
Great Expectations
They say it rains
because clouds become too heavy
So I go out back
tell my father how
heavy
the cloud looks.
Yes, it does, he says,
his gaze fixed on his apple tree.
The apples are heavy with sweetness,
hanging on by their umbilical cords.
Can we pick them? I ask.
No. They’re not ready yet, he says.
Years pass.
I graduate from high school as valedictorian.
Life presents itself to me
the way it always has.
What are you going to do? he asks.
I don’t know, I say.
I am standing on the cusp
of the promises of life
Yet I dream the same dream every night:
I am suspended in the air
and the ground comes at me
with the relentlessness
of fate.
Years pass.
I am home taking a break from college.
There’s no chance in hell
of being valedictorian this time around.
What are you going to do? he asks.
I don’t know, I say.
.
Yet I think of gravity,
the natural tendency of things.
Gravitas. That life should be taken seriously.
Gravitation. The movement towards something.
My head feels as ripe
as those apples hanging on that tree
in my backyard.
Can we pick them? I ask.
Let them fall, he says.
Years pass.
What are you waiting for? My father asks.
I don’t know, I say.
Life should come
present itself to me
as it used to.
Life will come.
Your head is in the clouds, he says.
And my head has become heavy with knowledge
of the ways of things.
Entropy. The tendency toward disorder.
That it doesn’t really rain because
clouds have become heavy.
That there may be a selective advantage
for fear and anxiety.
Take an apple, for instance,
that hangs on
until it comes to term,
hangs on in fear of the ground,
the very ground from which
it is destined to emerge triumphantly.
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Patrick14 reviewed Version 2 -
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A great piece. Did that heavy knowledge ever meet gravity? Did you ever find what you wanted. You are leaving me or the reader in the dark at the end. Its your piece, but i am still curious. The way you used the umbilical cord line with the fruit tree, well very impressive. I like this piece alot just wish the ending had a different result. Thank you for letting me read the piece
thank you
Patrick, please check out my poetry.
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isntlifejuicy reviewed Version 2 -
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Overall I really like the theme of this. Its nice when poems aren’t just fancy words shoved between periods
I do think you use some words multiple times throughout which makes it kind of redundant and dull in parts (like “HIS gaze fixed on HIS apple tree, etc). The stanza elaborating on gravity also seems redundant. Maybe try usingI think some of the themes come accross as unnecessarily repetitive as well. Like the “the clouds become HEAVY… apples are HEAVY… head has become HEAVY.”
I realize this is one of the main themes, but it just feels too easy or something. Maybe try to rework it a bit.
I like the imagery of the apples “hanging on by their umbilical cords.” I think the definition of gravity could be more interesting. Maybe exchange “the natural tendency of things” to “this persistent invisible force.”
I like the verb suspended, it makes your dream seam more dream-like.
One thing I would try to work on is sticking with one theme/thought. You seem to jump around from idea to idea and it disrupts the flow. ”Life presents itself to me, the way it always has” is confusing. How are we supposed to know how life has “always” presented itself to you? Maybe elaborate on that.
“My head is as ripe as those apples on that tree” seems again, redundant (great, now I’M being redundant).
I think this is a potentially great poem. Keep working at it, I’m sure you’ll receive some useful suggestions. I hope mine helped!
Yung_n_Restless reviewed Version 1 -
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sup Joon.
i haven’t read your stuff in a min. still like your delivery and perspective. this piece seems unfinished a bit. like you have a few more stanzas to go to get to a resolution.
i agree w. the previous poster; the voice in the piece is younger. to that, lines like: “she, who seems as rooted/as the apple tree in the garden?” seem out of place.
and just so you know, the motif of gravity/falling was not lost. i like the way you tied in gravity, (fk)Newton, & the apple tree which ironically points to your Mother (eve).
i just think you need a little more room to explore these themes.
Alessander reviewed Version 1 -
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The “youthful naive” voice comes through the diction, like when you say, “Fuck Newton.” That’s definitely a phrase a younger person would say. I like the imgagery in general, the birds-eye perspective turns everything around and is unique. But I have a problem with the simile that the ground is coming at you like a “train.” I know you chose train because it’s threatening, imminent, and fast – BUT it is also skinny, while the ground is -well, very large to say the least.The fourth stanza seems a little ackward, though I know its integral to the rest of the poem. I like your reference to the Newtonian “balanced” universe – shows you have conceptual ability – maybe you can include the Einsteinian universe, or maybe a phrase from Chaos theory or something…very good poem overall.
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