“Are you sure?” said the robed figure before the ornate fireplace.
“Very sure, Most High. I saw the missive with my own eyes.”
The robed figure turned and his eyes flickered from deep shadows cast by the fire. The Empress’ advisor suppressed a shudder and dismissed the rumours he had heard about the Most High. It would not do to show his fear here.
“And what was our Empress’ reaction?”
“She did her usual,” replied the advisor with a nervous laugh. “She threw a tantrum and ordered everyone out her rooms.”
“Including you.”
“Including me.”
“Never mind.” He waved a slim hand in the air. “Whatever she does now will likely be ineffectual. It’s what we do with this information that will count. What are your thoughts on this matter, advisor? Do you agree that the Drag’ziel queen is mad?”
“Mad? I am not qualified to say.” He snorted. “Erratic and weak, possibly. A fence-sitter and a threat to our victory in the war, definitely. Remember how the Braduccan king six hundred years ago was perceived to be weak yet launched an attack that almost wiped out two full armies on either side of him? I think we would do well not to underestimate them.”
“And that victory led to their isolation and ultimate defeat,” responded the Most High.
“Certainly, but that was more their own doing than ours.”
“How long has the delegation been there now, six months?”
“Almost seven, Most High. But remember most of that time the Drag’ziel have been in winter. They conduct no business during the cold months.”
“Hmm. But it is halfway through spring. We need to start implementing actions now should they fail to join us officially.”
“They claim they can do nothing without their Warmaster and no-one’s seen him yet. Apparently he’s indisposed.”
“And I say they’re hiding something. What’s your opinion, Rishaella?” The Most High turned to a seated figure in the far corner of the room, out of reach of the firelight. The shadows rustled as a slim figure rose from the armed chair and glided forward.
“I’d say you were quite astute in your observation, Iegorn.” The shadow coalesced into the honey-coloured form of Lady Rishaella. The advisor swept into a deep bow, his heart thudding in his chest. She stopped just short of him and rested a cool palm on his balding head.
“As much as it flatters me, there is no need for formality here, dear advisor,” she breathed.
“It is me who is flattered, My Lady,” he stammered. He straightened and pulled his embroidered waistcoat back over his protruding stomach. He fumbled for his handkerchief and used it to mop is brow.
“Well, summer is almost upon us and I say we should send word out to prepare for Braducca’s refusal,” the Most High said with a wry twist to his lips at the advisor’s sudden discomfiture.
“As always, you rush into the fight, Iegorn,” said Lady Rishaella. “I say we wait at least another week. This Warmaster of theirs may just,” she paused and smiled slowly, firelight playing on her moist lips, “fall into our laps.”
“Oh?” said the Most High. “After six, sorry, seven months the Warmaster of Braducca is just going to walk up and knock on our door?”
“You are a dear Iegorn, but too often you overlook the subtleties.” Lady Rishaella moved towards the fire next to the Most High facing the flames. He took a step back, hands clasped beneath voluminous sleeves.
“Then why should I delay our preparations for what is, to all logic and reason, a distinct possibility?”
“Let’s just say that he may be closer to us than you think. In Darith, in fact.” She waited a moment for her news to sink in and turned around. “I await final word of his location, but once I have it, it should be a simple matter of fetching him to the negotiation table.”
“He’s here? In Darith? I’ve heard nothing of this,” the advisor blurted out. The other two ignored him.
“And what makes you think this is a negotiation, Rishaella? These abominations owe us their lives. They have obligations to fill.”
“Quite so, dear Iegorn. And I’m sure their Warmaster will see the sense of it. But first he needs to be brought here to be dealt with, otherwise the Braduccans will do what they can to delay and protract the final details. Only once those are dealt with, may you then have your war.”
The fire crackled in the silence and the advisor’s head swam with the new possibilities the Braduccan Warmaster’s proximity brought.
“One week, Rishaella. I want those drakka in the front lines as soon as possible, with riders. If I do not have an answer by then, I’ll make our move. Either way, they will kill themselves before the end of summer.”
“One week, dear Iegorn, is more than adequate. I’m sure we can spare you the trouble of ridding yourself of an entire nation by yourself. I can be rather,” she paused and stepped closer, her body almost touching the Most High and looked up at him with glittering eyes, “persuasive.”
The Most High pulled her closer by the waist and held her chin in his other hand. “Either way, I shall have my victory,” he growled.
She slid his arms around his neck and smiled up at his stern countenance.
“Of course, you will. I would have it no other way.”
The advisor stopped from clearing his throat. It would do no good to draw attention to himself now, he thought. Information was important to his livelihood, but there were some things he would rather not know. He turned and slowly made his way to the dark door. He opened it quietly and risked a glance back.
The two figures were silhouetted against the fireplace, losing their individual forms in their embrace. For a moment he imagined he saw them as something else entirely. Something that had no place in this world. He hurriedly shut the door behind him and turned to face the guards.
“They, um, they may be busy for a while yet,” he said and mopped his forehead furtively. “Important stuff they said they needed to discuss. No interruptions, none at all. Important matters plague the Most High and the Lady tonight.”
His short figure scurried off in what he hoped was a dignified manner.
The guards looked at each other.
“Did you let the Lady in tonight?” one asked.
“Nah. Not me,” the other replied. They thought about this for a moment.
“Maybe she’s coming by later.”
“Maybe.”
They shrugged and turned back to face the well-lit passageway, stone walls at their backs.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
This is a very strong scene.
The small points I have to offer are mostly technical.
When the advisor (I’d like to know his name) shuffles out in his awkwardness, he uses the word “stuff” which plunges him into the grocery store and out of your well crafted fantasy world. There are a few times this happens throughout. Fantasy is tricky because elevated language can sometimes smack of being forced.
Without it though, the story slips into the mundane.
Another example:
“After six, sorry, seven months the Warmaster of Braducca…” the sorry feels like the Most High gets smaller when he says it.
Another very minor note; is Legorn to be capitalized or left small case on purpose?
When you describe the fireplace, you cop out (just a little) by resting on the word ornate. Try using carved or finely chiseled, or even better describe the workings on it. You buy time with how speedy your dialogue is, so don’t worry about streamlining any more. Every fantasy novel has an ornate fireplace, but none are like the one you have crafted in your brain. let us see it.
The rest is all positive.
The pacing is good. Like I mentioned before, the dialogue whips by.
To make sure you have the tension you want, make a list of what each of your characters want in this scene, then check them against each other. for maximum tension, make their objectives 180 degress opposite of each other.
For example: if Rishaella wants to control the Most High, and the Most High wants affection from Rishaella there is no conflict. If, however, The Most High wants to control Rishaella, voila…conflict. That conflict will then inform every bit of dialogue and action between them.
That said, I feel like they all have strong objectives, but they aren’t totally in opposition of each other right now. They’re close (very close). My suggestion is that you go through and add some more descriptors to the actions they are doing while speaking with each other and see if that conflict will come out more.
As far as intrigue goes, your use of firelight and shadow helps out very well. I would like to see the advisor have a little more going on behind his words until he gets flummoxed with Rishaella. His bluster after her entrance is both expected and welcome.
“The robed figure turned and his eyes flickered from deep shadows cast by the fire.”—this is good, but i see two other ways that you can make this line more active.
1) Turning, the robed figure’s eyes flickered…
2) The robed figure turned, his eyes flickering from deep shadows…
it’s fine as it is, though. personal preference.
Same idea with the very next line: “Suppressing a shudder, the Empress’...”
I’ll leave that alone for now. Just keep an eye out for things like that. More often than not, you’ll use less words and make the sentences/thoughts more powerful.
“The advisor stopped from clearing his throat”--this held me up for a moment. Th intent is clear, but- is there another way you could word this? or not. up to you.
also, the dialogue moves well and the namedropping helps to keep things in focus as to who’s speaking. well done there. what slows me down a little is the number of characters in this scene. jumping in the middle as i have and as you’ve indicated in your notes, it’s a bit overwhelming and hard to keep track of. but again, the namedropping helps. ”Most High” makes me laugh every time. Maybe it shouldn’t, but it does.
overall-
very creative, good dialogue, good (enough) pace.
criticisms?
the pace is good, but slow. hard to maintain interest. not trying to be mean, just honest. remember, i’m only one person.
as a scene in which several characters are discussing plans and plots, it’s hard to hang on to any palpable tension. Nothing is really happening in terms of immediate action or peril. They’re safely discussing things.
But the hints of what’s to come do offer a bit of intrigue, so well done there.
It’s an ambitious work with what feels like a very in-depth plot and a mass of characters. I wish you much luck with this. Remember to have fun.
Your story had some good descriptions, I liked the feeling of the firelight and the darkened shadows that flickered through the room.
The talk of war and lines fighting was movie like in many manners. I think that to avoid some cliche you could have the lady skip on saying ‘persuasive’ as I felt the word was implied.
Instead perhaps have him pull her close cutting her sentence short and, then interject that he knows what she can be, or something to that nature.
In the end I am guessing that the guards either did not see the lady enter or it is a doppelganger of some sort?
I would keep reading as this short excerpt did not give me enough to go on, but so far it was written well.
Gavinswar
I want a better description of what these people look like. All I know about the Most High is that he’s cloaked and has a slim hand. How tall is he? How does he hold himself (shoulder back, proudly or slightly forward in a more brooding manner, etc)? I get the idea that the advisor is more portly, but again, I have no textual evidence for that assumption.
In general, use more detailed descriptions in the beginning for setting. For example, better describe the room and who’s in it (I’m not sure why the advisor didn’t realize Lady Rishaella was in the room--better descriptions of the room might help with this--even if its to describe to the reader that she simply suddenly appeared in the chair—maybe describe the chair being empty in the opening scene before then showing her standing from it).
“legorn” a name? Should be “Legorn” since the other names in this all start with the conventional capital letter.
“She slid his arms around his neck” – this is awkward. Do you mean “She slid HER arms…?”
In general, this is built up with a lot of intrigue, and there are certainly enough questions to keep the reader engaged. The writing is strong and generally has a solid pace, but it’s also mainly dialogue. Give us more details, motions, sounds, etc.
“She did her usual” seems too contemporary a turn of phrase. Maybe changing that to something like “She behaved as usual” would make it less jarring. (The same goes for the expression “fence-sitter”.)
”...the Braduccan king six hundred years ago…” A good try at working some history of this world into the story, but it doesn’t quite work here. For one thing, it has a touch of ‘As you know, Bob…’ to it. Maybe simply changing how the sentence is phrased would fix this.
“no-one’s” – two words, not hyphenated
“It is me who is flattered” – should be “It is I who am flattered”
The pacing is fairly good. Not every scene in a novel needs to move quickly in order to have the right pace, and the dialogue here moves along without being too choppy or too bogged down and slow. I assume this is early in the story, before the full details of the main conflict have been set up for the reader, so there’s only so much that can be done to create tension without giving too much away too soon. I like that you didn’t get overly melodramatic with the narration – no “little did they know the doom that awaited them!” stuff. There are places where the dialogue is awkward, as noted above, but I’ve seen worse in published stories.
This 171 word review has not been unlocked.
I don’t think the scene is a very good stand alone piece, but I think as a part of a larger piece it has a lot of potential. As far as pace the beginning dragged, being almost all dialogue and we don’t get a sense of place. It’s hard to speak of intrigue and overall pace because it’s so short, but I did feel some intrigue starting to build. We start to get a sense of the character of Lady Rishaella and the Most High, but the advisor seemed cardboard.
It wasn’t clear who Lady Rishaella is and what her position is. My first thought was she was the Empress, but usually subjects don’t call them Lady, so I wasn’t sure. It would be easier to identify with the advisor if he wasn’t constantly referred to as ‘the advisor.’
The ending leaves the reader with questions they want answered, that was probably what you did best. The reader will want to know what’s up with The Most High and The Lady.
The first page has too much dialogue and not enough action to draw the reader in effectively. As you said yourself we don’t know the characters yet, there isn’t much description, so we have no idea the setting. It’s just two talking heads. Without knowing the characters it’s hard to care what they are saying.
“What’s your opinion, Rishaella?” The appearance of Rishaella seems rather abrupt. It’d be more suspenseful if the reader knew of the presence, but knew nothing about her. Also because we don’t have enough description to know where we are, other than a fireplace. Are we in a hall? A sitting room? Library? Someone’s chambers? Is this a castle? Ect. With out some of these details the whole scene is kind of in limbo.
“the honey-coloured form” What’s honey colored? Her hair? Her clothes? Her skin?
“dear advisor,” she breathed.” You can’t breath words.
What point of view do up intend to write this from? I’m not detecting any.
“One week, dear Iegorn,” She just called him this a few paragraphs ago. I don’t think she would call him ‘dear Iegorn’ so often.
“It would do no good to draw attention to himself now,” I find it hard to believe that the Most High and Lady Rashealla would forget the advisor was in the room. Two people who achieve such high positions wouldn’t get that high, if they overlooked such things. Also I think we need some clues to their relationship earlier in the scene. I’m not feeling the heat.
“dark door.” Not sure what a dark door is. Is it in the shadows? Dark colored? An open doorway in the dark?
“scurried off in what he hoped was a dignified manner.” I don’t one can scurry in a dignified manner.
There was definitely tension in this scene. I like the way you added little details such as “hands clasped beneath voluminous sleeves”, “firelight playing on her moist lips”, and “He fumbled for his handkerchief and used it to mop is brow”. The characters are very well portrayed.
At the end, you switched point-of-view from the advisor to the guards in the middle of the scene. Personally, I think nothing is wrong with that, and I know the author R. A. Salvatore does that alot in his books. But sometimes editors and other people don’t approve of it. Just wanted to let you know that it’s okay even if others say it’s not.
Keep up the great work! You have the potential to be a great fantasy writer!
Showing 1 - 8 of 8
Ratings & Rankings
Review item
Add to faves
