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Sci Fi & Fantasy / Into The Master's Lair - Chapter Sixteen and recaps (Analysis)
Chapter One – The villain and protagonist are introduced. The villain is mysterious wizard bent on revenge. Twenty five year old Lauriana and her two brothers and two cousins find a secret room. Smoke fills the room and they lose consciousness.
Chapter Two – The five wake up in a parallel world where they find themselves physically altered. Lauriana is taller and stronger, her brothers a dwarf and combatant, her cousins an elf and magic tyro. A wizard (Zeke) offers to help them figure out why they were brought to his realm and a place to stay. We meet Ash, a sorceress and expert on prophecy.
Chapter Three – The five learn they can’t leave the realm until they complete a quest. We meet Dagreth, a dragon.
Chapter Four – Trainers arrive to train the five companions. Lauriana meets her trainer, Mikell and is disturbed because he acts like he already knows her. Marcus her older brother is suspicious.
Chapter Five –Lauriana grows finds out that Mikell has dreamed about her for the last twenty five years and was in love with her before they met. They almost become intimate, but Lauriana does not want to be unfaithful to Ari, her serious boyfriend at home.
Chapter Six – After reliving the execution of his parents for unlawful use of magic in a nightmare, The Master goes to a small room in his lair and stares at a portrait of a strange woman. Lauriana decides to move forward with her relationship with Mikell since she realizes she may never get to go back to her world again.
Chapter Seven –Ash discovers a prophecy saying that the future of world will depend on the union of Zotara’s worthy heir (Lauriana) and the king who refused his crown (Mikell). Lauriana is nearly killed by a cross-bow arrow.
Chapter Eight –The Master insists Martika work for him. Knowing she has no choice and greedy to get rewards she agrees. It’s decided that the trainers will accompany Lauriana, her brothers, and cousins on the quest. Lauriana admits to Zeke that she would consider staying in his world with Mikell if they complete the quest.
Chapter Nine – Lauriana takes a fall in training and keeps the injury to herself. Winnie, Jenessa, Marcus, and Sheridan all have mysterious training accidents.
Chapter Ten –Marcus and Mikell come to an understanding. The Master visits Lauriana in her sleep, but she unaware of his presence. She later collapses. She is healed by the wizard, but needs rest for a few days.
Chapter Eleven – Martika, arrives at the Keep claiming to be betrothed to Mikell. Mikell tells Lauriana some secrets of his past. He was betrothed to Martika and was set to rule his kingdom. He broke the betrothal with her and turned the throne over to his younger brother.
Chapter Twelve – Lauriana punches Martika before the woman leaves. Mikell and Zeke share suspicions about Martika and decide to keep the threat from Lauriana. Lauriana meets The Master.
Chapter Thirteen – Lauriana awakens from a nightmare about The Master. He leaves the imprint of his hand burned into her arm. Mikell also had a dream involving The Master. The Master is shaken by the encounter with Lauriana. The party leaves for the quest.
Chapter Fourteen – Lauriana has a close encounter with ogres. Mikell and Lauriana’s dreams are invaded by The Master. The words “You Are Mine” are burned into Lauriana’s arm. The Master can track them by the burn.
Chapter Fifteen – The Master stares at a mysterious portrait of a woman who died 800 years ago. Lauriana’s wound continues to get worse and needs treatment soon. They decide to go to Tandril’s home. (An elven village). Lauriana takes a knife with her to bed and stabs The Master in her dreams.
Chapter Sixteen
-1-
A piercing scream jolted him. Mikell froze.
“What was–?” Zeke didn’t finish.
Mikell sprinted for his shelter with Zeke at his heels. Time seemed to drag. Why was he moving so slowly? His heart hammered as ran, sweat beaded on his face. He prayed to the gods that Lauriana had dreamed another nightmare. Had it been terror he’d heard in her voice or pain? He threw aside the boughs covering the entry. The moonlight streamed in illuminating the red liquid covering Lauriana’s hands and chest. Mikell dropped to his knees and ran his hands over her searching for the source of the blood.
“It’s o-okay I’m not hurt,” she said.
Mikell stared at her. “What?”
“What do you mean?” Zeke asked.
She looked away from Mikell’s heated gaze and swallowed hard. “I stabbed The Master.”
Mikell grabbed her by the arms and shook her. “You what?”
“Before I went to sleep I took one of your knives and hid it up my sleeve. When I was dreaming, I still had the knife. When I got the chance, I stabbed him.”
“Of all the foolish things to do!” Mikell roared. “What were you thinking? You could’ve been killed.” The anger left his voice. “Look what he’s done to your face.” He gently touched her cheek and she winced.
“I was thinking that I wasn’t going to let him hurt me again!”
Mikell shook his head and his jaw tightened. “How could you do something so foolish without telling me?”
“If I had told you, you’d have stopped me!”
“You’re damn right I’d have stopped you. I can’t even look at you right now.” He stormed out.
Lauriana’s eyes filled with tears. “I never thought about how angry he’d be when he found out, but I did what I thought I needed to do. I was too afraid to go to sleep until I thought of bringing a knife.”
“It was a dangerous thing to do.” Zeke sat down and patted her arm. “Brave, but dangerous. You cannot kill The Master in his own dream world. You only angered him. By the time The Master returned from the dream, he was already healed. As for Mikell, once he realizes that no harm has come to you he will calm down. He had a nightmare too tonight and then he finds the woman he loves covered in blood.” He gave her a stern look. “You were lucky you did not get more severely hurt.”
“Did he tell you about his dream?”
“He wouldn’t talk about it.” Zeke got to his feet. “I’ll get some salve to put on your face. I cannot heal you. Wizard’s magic is a different type of magic than elven magic and thus the two are not compatible. My magic could interfere with their ability to heal you.”
Lauriana sat quietly waiting for the wizard. She was relieved when he brought a bucket of heated water and a towel. While he went to get the salve, she cleaned up the blood and changed her shirt. She now realized her error. She’d let fear control her actions and knew how dangerous that could be.
Zeke returned with the salve and gently rubbed it on the cuts and bruises on her face.
She gave him a brief smile. “Thanks.”
“I’d tell you to get some rest, but I am sure that until you talk to a certain young man you will not, so I suggest you go talk to him.”
Lauriana gave Zeke a kiss on the cheek and left to find Mikell.
-2-
He heard the light careful footsteps that could only belong to his love before he felt a hand on his back.
“Are you still angry with me?” Lauriana asked quietly.
Mikell turned to face her. He could feel his fury rising again. “I was never angry with you. I’m angry about what you did. When I think about how close you came to being killed, I just.…” He couldn’t find the words. Looking at her face, his anger quickly dissipated. “Look what he’s done to your beautiful face,” he tenderly stroked her face. “Does it hurt much?”
“It did, but Zeke put some salve on it that had a numbing effect.” They were both quiet for a while. “Forgive me?” She looked at him with fear in her eyes.
Mikell took her in his arms. “Of course. Just promise me that you’ll never again attempt something so dangerous by yourself, and if it crosses your mind you will discuss it with me first.”
Lauriana smiled. “I promise.” She was quiet for a moment. “Zeke said you had a dream too.” He nodded and turned away. “It was bad?” He nodded again.
“You know, I’m okay, I’m in one piece and still here by your side.”
Mikell turned around, bent down, and gently kissed her swollen lip. He gave her a tight embrace and whispered. “I love you, Lauriana Langhart.”
“I know. I love you, more than I could ever put into words,” she whispered back and tightened her grip on him.
-3-
She stirred in her sleep as the burning on her arm intensified. Lauriana sat up and unwrapped her arm. The words ‘You Will Pay’ stared up at her in bright scarlet letters. “Huh!” Her head began to swim.
Mikell sprang up. “What’s wrong?”
She turned away from him. “Nothing, go back to sleep.”
His cheek twitched. “Don’t lie to me. Something startled you. Now what was it?”
Remembering how angry he was at her last night, she showed him her arm.
“Now do you see? You’ve just made The Master angrier. Now you are in more danger than before. Why weren’t you going to show me your arm?”
“I didn’t want to worry you any more than you already are,” she said meekly.
He lightened his tone. “Don’t you know by now that I will never stop worrying about you? The only way I can protect and help you is if you tell me everything. You can’t keep things from me.”
“I’m sorry.” Tears welled up in her eyes. “I guess I’m just not thinking clearly.” A wave of dizziness hit her and she spiraled into darkness.
Mikell and Zeke waited for the sorceress to examine the burn. After several minutes, Ash shook her head. “There be nothing I can do. The burn be a poison and it be working its way into her body. If it not be removed soon she will die. We need to leave for the elven village immediately. We can eat the morning meal in the saddle. I just pray the elves will help her. I fear we do not have time to get to another village.”
The camp began to stir as Zeke barked out orders, “Pack up and saddle the horses.”
-4-
Marcus stuck his head out of his shelter. “What’s going on?”
“I do not have time to talk now. I’ll explain while we ride.” Zeke threw his saddle up on his large white stallion and began to fasten the straps.
Marcus looked around and didn’t see his sister. He knew something must have happened and ducked into his shelter to grab his things. Sheridan griped at being awake at such an early hour, but he did as he was told. The rest of the party packed up without a word.
Lauriana insisted she was fine, but Mikell wasn’t buying it. He said she’d ride with him one way or another. If the ranger was that adamant about her riding with him something must really be wrong. Zeke explained the gravity of the situation. Marcus couldn’t believe what his sister had done. He could not even begin to imagine her harming anyone, let alone stab The Master.
“She did what?” he asked in unison with his brother.
Marcus glared at her. “What were you thinking?”
“I don’t know.” She rolled her eyes. “Please spare me the lectures. I heard it all last night and more.”
Marcus saw the ranger’s expression and said no more. He could tell the man was angry about what his sister had done, which pleased him to no end. Mikell’s anger reassured him that his sister was being cared for even if it wasn’t by Ari.
“Do you think the Master got mad and made Lauriana sicker?” Jenessa asked.
Zeke nodded. “I think that is precisely what happened.”
“The girl be in the fight of her life,” Ash added. “The longer the poison has to get rooted into her body the tougher it will be to heal her.”
Winnie looked at Tandril. “Your people will help her won’t they?”
“I’d like to think so, but I must admit I’m not sure. They have healed similar wounds before so I think they are our best bet.” Tandril rode up ahead.
As they rode, Lauriana drifted in and out of consciousness. If not for Mikell holding her, she would’ve fallen off the horse more than once. He thought about how she always insisted she was fine when he could see she was not. It angered him, but as soon as he’d look at her beautiful face, he found it impossible to stay angry with her.
-5-
The enchanted village stayed warm all year around, and supported a variety of trees and flora. Nowhere in this world would you find greener trees or such wide array of plants in one spot. Tandril just wished he was here for a visit and not a life-threatening matter. The party rode by the earthen houses lining the paths. Elves hurrying off to their next task stopped in their paths and stared at them. Most wore open curiosity on their faces, but some contempt.
Tandril held his hand up for the party to stop. He slid off his horse and waited in the village square for an elder elf to approach. He had mixed emotions about being back in the village. He wasn’t sure how he’d be received. He hadn’t left on the best terms. He just hoped that it wouldn’t interfere with the village helping his friends.
“Why do you bring humans to our village, when you know all visits from outsiders must be approved by the council?”
Tandril bowed his head. “Please forgive me honored elder. One of the humans is deathly ill. She has been touched by evil. I fear that if the elves do not heal her, she will die.”
The elf’s wrinkled hard face softened. “I see. I will have to meet with the other elders to decide on this matter. Take them to wait in the Village Hall. You may provide them food and drink if you wish.”
The hall hadn’t changed. It was at least one thousand years old and the gnarled trees that made up the walls showed their age. His eyes followed the flowering vines growing along the walls and gazed upon the many statues of revered elves that boarded the front and sides of the hall. A large hearth sat in the center of the back wall. Pillows for seats and rocks for tables were the only furniture. Elves would never harm a tree or purchase an item made with one. Two elves scurried and made a bed of moss after exchanging greetings with Tandril.
Mikell laid her a on the bed of moss near the hearth. As they waited, Lauriana drifted in and out of consciousness. She became feverish and only had brief moments of lucidity. Mikell paced for a while, stopped to mop her forehead, then paced again. Tandril was afraid that his friend’s patience was running out. There was really only one person in the village that would stand in their way. If the elves wouldn’t help….
The party members rose and faced the elder as he entered through the archway and approached Tandril.
“We will allow the healing, but first it must be approved by Master Healer Hogarth.”
“Hogarth? Hogarth hates humans more than anyone else in the village.” And Tandril was not on the best of terms with him.
“Our decision had been made. You must obtain Hogarth’s approval.” The elder put his hand on Tandril’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, Tandril. I tried to sway them, but it was voted six to five that the request go through Hogarth.”
Tandril regained his calm. He had to find a way to convince the healer. “It might be best if just a few of us went. Mikell, you can bring Lauriana and Zeke please come too. The rest of you wait here.”
When they arrived at the small earthen house, Hogarth had just finished healing a young elven boy. As the boy scampered away, the old healer looked up and spotted Tandril and the others. He scowled. “You know better than most that I do not allow humans in my home.”
“Please,” Tandril said, “this woman is deathly ill. She has been touched by evil and if you do not help her, she’ll die. Please, she needs your help.”
“I will not help a human,” Hogarth rasped. “How dare you even ask me to heal a human?”
Mikell set Lauriana down and started to reach for his sword, but Tandril grabbed his arm. “Getting into a war with the elves will not help. Let me talk to him alone.”
After the others left, Hogarth glared at him. “Why have you come back? Have you not disgraced me enough?”
“Not becoming a healer like my father is not a disgrace. I needed to be true to myself. You know why I came; the woman needs a healer. Father there is more at stake here than a human life. Lauriana is the one prophesized to destroy The Master. If she dies the world will fall to darkness.”
“Putting humans before elves is a disgrace. It doesn’t matter the reason. We elves have survived times of darkness before, we can again.”
“Humans are just like any other race, there are some good and some bad.” He stared at his father, not sure how to sway him. He had hoped the council would let him bring Lauriana to the healer of his choice. He hadn’t counted on confronting his father. “If you help the woman, I’ll stay here and become a healer. I’ll be your apprentice.”
“I already have an apprentice. He is more like a son to me than you’ve ever been. Now take the humans and be gone before they foul my air.” Hogarth turned his back to him and Tandril knew the discussion was over. No words could persuade the elf to help a human.
Crestfallen, he returned to the others. Mikell didn’t speak or look at anyone. By the look in his eyes, anger and fear threatened to rage out of control. They had no choice but to leave the village. They could only pray to the gods that Lauriana was strong enough to hang on until Zeke found a way to heal her.
“Stop, wait! I can help. I can heal the woman.”
The party turned around. A young, beautiful elf maiden with long flowing hair and large dark eyes stood before them. “My name is Maurenthia and I am a healer.”
The name sounded familiar. “Won’t you get in trouble for going against Hogarth?” Tandril asked.
“Don’t worry about Hogarth. I can handle him. Besides, I am not an official healer. He has not allowed me join the healer’s circle. I overhead what you told Hogarth. I am familiar with the type of wound the girl has. I have seen Hogarth do it a hundred times in the last war and know what needs to be done. Let me help.”
Mikell took a step toward her. “We would be forever in your debt.”
“Follow me. I have a healing temple outside village, where I heal elves who our Master Healer turns away.” She turned and led the way, stopping at the end of a small winding path. The earthen temple stood before them, two old gnarled oaks growing around earthen walls. A door of vines moved to the side when the healer bowed before them.
Maurenthia pointed to a room. “Bring her in there and put her on the bed.”
“If you be needing assistance, I be skilled at healing,” Ash said.
“I would be glad to have your help. Everyone else, please wait in the outer room.”
Mikell set his jaw firmly. “I will not leave her.”
“You may stay, but the rest of you must leave now. Please. There isn’t much time.”
-6-
Ash watched the elven woman work. Something about the woman didn’t sit right with her, but she decided that maybe she was just a paranoid old woman. Elves were good by nature. Finding an elf who was not, was rare. Still, once in a while, she thought she saw contempt on the woman’s face.
Ash dipped a cloth in a bucket of cool water and wiped the beads of sweat off Lauriana’s face. Then she helped remove the bandage and apply a poultice to her arm to draw out the poison. She’d chased the boy out of the room an hour ago when the pacing got on her nerves. Mikell now paced outside the window. Stopped to look in and then paced some more.
The healer chanted and shook charms over Lauriana’s body to aid the herbs she used. “That is all I can do. Now we must wait. I will speak with the others.”
The sun dipped behind the vibrant emerald trees. The shadows fit the mood better than the bright sun had. The colors of the plants and flowers were now subdued. Mikell couldn’t enjoy the view or warm climate that the village sustained all year round. He was sick with worry.
He ran his fingers through his hair. “What’s taking so long?” He had given up watching through the window what seemed like ages ago.
“Take it easy, my boy. These things take time,” Zeke said. He opened his mouth to speak again, but stopped when he saw Ash and the elven healer.
“How is she?” Mikell asked.
“She’s holding her own. I have done all that I can. The rest is up to Lauriana. All I can do is keep changing the poultice to draw out the poison and keep the fever down.”
“What do you mean the rest is up to Lauriana?” Marcus asked.
“I have treated the poison in her body. She must fight the poison in her mind.”
Sheridan looked startled. “You mean she’s been driven mad?”
“What she means,” Ash said, “be that Lauriana will continue to dream. She must fight The Master in her dreams and win. It be the only way she will be free of the poison and his ability to enter her dreams.”
Zeke stroked his beard. “How long can we expect until she recovers?”
“If she recovers, one to three days, but I can’t be sure. It depends on how strong she is and how strong her adversary. If she is battling the wizard called The Master it will be a long and difficult fight.” Maurenthia smoothed her hair back away from her face. “It will be a question of whether her will is strong enough to push him from her mind.”
-7-
Mikell sat at Lauriana’s bedside holding her hand. He spent the last three days either in the chair next to her bed or pacing in her room. On any other occasion the tiny room would have driven him out into the fresh air, but now he could only think of one thing. When the healer kicked him out of the room, he’d pace in the outer room. He couldn’t bring himself to eat or sleep. He felt so helpless. He wanted so badly to help the woman he loved, but there was nothing he could do.
“You need not worry so much.”
He looked up surprised to see Maurenthia standing there. He was so lost in his misery he hadn’t known he was there.
“She’s strong and she has something to live for. She has a reason to fight.”
“What do you mean?”
“You are devoted to her and love her. She will fight to return to you. Her fever has lessened, that’s a good sign.” She looked at him appraisingly with her hands on her hips. “If I have a cot brought in here will you at least lie down for a while?”
Mikell shook his head. “I will try.”
-8-
Zeke sat on a bench at the edge of the village square. He waved to Ash when she spotted him. Elven children darted in and out of her path. Ash weaved in and out of the groups until she reached Zeke. She had just been with Lauriana. Ash checked on her every few hours day and night.
“How’s your patient?” Zeke asked.
“So far, so good,” Ash said. “Her fever be down, so she may just be winning.”
“How’s the boy doing?”
“He be exhausted. He does not eat or sleep. I managed to get him to drink some tea and eat a few biscuits, but that be it. I can’t even get him to get some fresh air.”
“I was concerned about that.” Zeke stroked his beard. “He is so worried about that girl he is not using his best judgment. I hope she pulls out of this soon for Mikell’s sake as well as her own.” He shook his head. In the twenty years he had known Mikell, he’d never seen him like this.
Ash sat down next to the wizard. “It will not be easy, but I think she will be strong enough to drive The Master from her mind.”
Zeke had faith that she would recover. He just hoped that the girl would still have the strength to complete the quest.
-9-
Jenessa sat on the ground in the middle of the village square playing a game with a group of elven children. She saw Ash go by and was about to go see how her cousin was doing when Petrick called her name. She got to her feet and turned around. Petrick wasn’t tall, but his 5’ 10” towered over her.
“What is it? Is something wrong?” Jenessa asked. She’d never seen such a serious and determined look on his boyish face.
“No, but.…”
Jenessa grabbed his arm. “What is it?”
“I think I’ve discovered a way to help Lauriana, but I need your help to do it. I don’t think anyone else will help me. Let’s go someplace where we won’t be disturbed.”
She looked into his hazel eyes, knew she had to help him, and nodded.
Petrick led her to the outskirts of the village and explained his plan. Jenessa’s eyes grew wide as she listened to every detail.
“I don’t have enough power to last long.” He handed her an hourglass. “If I’m still out when all the sand runs down, you need to get Zeke. Will you do that for me?”
“Okay.” She nodded. “Petrick?” She clutched his sleeve. “Are you sure about this? I don’t want you to get hurt.”
He smiled and blushed. “I need to try to help Lauriana. I can do this.”
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judy reviewed Version 2 -
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Hi, Still haven’t found the chapter 2 to 15.
I hope that anything I suggest might lead to some form of help. I will try and pick up grammar errors though with so many reviews, I am sure they might be repeats.
...heart hammered as (he) ran,sweat..
When I was dreaming, I still had the knife. The way this is written makes it seem like when she was asleep the knife was on her instead of traveling with her to the dream world. Maybe just change a little to make it clear the knife entered the realm of dreams.
..did not get more severly hurt. Reads a little rough.
Wizard’s magic is (scratch a) different (scratch type) (scratch magic here) than elven magic…
I am not sure if you want to add this or not, but I would add something about the rock tables in the elfin village being cut for flat surfaces. Just a thought.
I like your description of the elfin village and especially about the shadows fitting the mood. Nice touch.
Did you mean Mikell nodded his head when he agreed to try and lie down.
I am really enjoying your novel. It is descriptive and the characters are very likeable. Your dialogue runs smooth and so does the scenes. It is easy to follow.
I will continue to catch up. :)
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JaneLloyd reviewed Version 2 -
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“The girl be in the fight of her life,” Ash added. “The longer the poison has to get rooted into her body the tougher it will be to heal her.”
First maybe error I’ve seen so far, this character has a distinct dialect, as read in the first part, but in the second piece the dialect is lacking. Maybe remove the “will” before be?
Pillows for seats and rocks for tables were the only furniture.
As it’s worded, it’s awkward. It works but when I read it initially it comes off as a fragment.
He has not allowed me join the healer’s circle.
to join
“You are devoted to her and love her. She will fight to return to you
I think I’d combine these two sentences, they’d be stronger as one.
Other than the few things I listed, I didn’t see very many areas that needed fixing. You are managing to balance so many characters with ease, leaving us not only being able to tell them apart but also able to recognize the differences between them. Reminds me a little of Lord of the Rings and some other movie I swear I’ve seen… maybe it was The Neverending Story? Nonetheless, very nice piece.
Alma_Libre reviewed Version 2 -
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I really liked this story quite a bit. It is very easy to get caught up in it and feel what the characters are feeling, good job. I also love the names you gave them, very unique and sexy. My favorite character is Lauriana, I love her strength. I also like the fact that she chose to take a knife to bed with her to fight off the master without telling anyone especially Mikell so that he wouldn’t try and stop her. I love her fierceness and independence as well. From the very beginning I found myself wanting Lauriana and Mikell to get together, I feel bad for her boyfriend at home (Ari) but it just wasn’t meant to be, I guess. Another thing I found interesting was how the Master kept leaving his mark on Lauriana, first his hand print then the messages “You Are Mine”, “You Will Pay” very intense. Oh one more thing, going back. Even though I don’t know Martika that well I was so happy to read that Lauriana hit her, good for her.
One thing I found off a bit was on page 4, when Zeke is talking to Lauriana, he is telling her by the time The Master returned from the dream he was already healed. It just seems out of place with the rest of the dialogue, it is like he is stating a fact.
Also, I really like Zeke’s character he seems like he would make such an awesome friend.
It was a brilliant addition when Ash announced that the burn on Lauriana’s arm is poison, I couldn’t wait to see what would happen.
On page 9, the very last sentence has “a” where it shouldn’t be.
I really love the fact that Hogarth is the one Tandril had to convince in order to have him save Lauriana, and him also being his father. Awesome!
Before I forget, I wanted to mention how much I love the way Ash speaks, great work.
Another thing I found brilliant was the fact that the poison in Lauriana wasn’t just physical it was mental as well. She had to fight it in her mind.
I just want to mention a small detail, on page 15, when referring to Maurenthia in the first sentence it says he instead of she.
Like I said before, I really enjoyed reading this and hope you will continue the story. I am dying to find out what happens.
I think you are on to something here. Great work.
Thanks so much for sharing.
Take care and God bless,
Sandra (Alma Libre)
Calypsoidal1 reviewed Version 2 -
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The need in this chapter is consistent and treated very well – the need to heal L’s wound. I got a very good sense of the story moving forward here. I missed seeing more of the elf village – the hall is described, but what about the rest? Suffered from too many characters, but saved by good focus on healing L, on M’s love, and learning something important about T and his heritage. Mature plot and world building, wanted more sensual detail to buffer scenes and surround characters.
slbynum3 reviewed Version 2 -
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Okay, at your request, I will not criticize the chapter recaps. (though I do wonder on the first chapter recap if the villain is The Master? and where did Lauriana and the others find this secret room?) but anyway, moving on to chapter sixteen…
There certainly are a lot of breaks in this chapter. Are all of them really necessary? You switch character Point-of-views too often. If you’ve ever read a book by the fantasy author, R.A. Salvatore, he switches POVs in the middle of a scene without the breaks, so if you could make it flow together naturally, you wouldn’t need all the breaks. (on the last paragraph in part four, it seemed you switched from a sentence in Lauriana’s POV to a sentence in Mikell’s)
And about what Lauriana had done with stabbing The Master, it happened one night and then you go into how it’s the next night when she’s in bed with Mikell. Then her brothers find out about the stabbing. Why didn’t they find out after the night it happened? And another thing, at part five, Lauriana’s family stayed behind at the hearth when Tandril and the others went to Hogarth, then suddenly Marcus and Sheridan are talking without any indication that they came to join the rest of the party. I think you should add when they came to join them. At the end of the chapter, who is Petrick? You never mentioned this, you just threw his name in there.
There are some spelling and grammer mistakes. At the part where the party meets Maurenthia, she said she “overhead” but I believe you mean “overheard”. On part six, you have “Mikell now paced outside the window. Stopped to look in and then paced some more.” The second sentence is incomplete. Maybe you should put “Sometimes he stopped to look in and then paced some more.”
Okay, now that the criticizing is over, I can say you did very well. You had very creative ideas and nice details in this story. I love the intense relationship between Lauriana and Mikell; it’s so romantic how he cares about her. And I guess you named this chapter “Into the Master’s Lair” because that’s where this unknown Petrick person is going?
Love the story, I’m sure it’ll have a spectacular ending. I would love to read this book if it ever got published. Good luck and keep writing!
oknapp reviewed Version 2 -
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Dreamed another nightmare. How about had or experienced another nightmare, Dream and nightmare are different and don’t go well together.
. You cannot kill The Master in his own dream world. Good point. The physic connection makes for interesting reading but i am not sure how Lauriana actually recieving wounds from the dreams play out. It makes the reader think beyond the pale. And this is fantasy where anything is possible.
What is the Masters ultimate plan for Lauriana? Does he want to kill her. i know he is attracted to her and this makes the story interesting. If he had wanted to kill her wouldn’t he have done more than poison her. Why just give her a little. The point is that she might die if the elves can’t cure her, The Masters intentions are ambiguous. Perhaps was crafted purposely for the reader to ponder.
“Hogarth? Hogarth hates humans more than anyone else in the village. Why does he hate humans? The reader will want to know.
Won’t you get in trouble for going against Hogarth?This could sound more sophisticated. Won’t you suffer dire consequences if you go against Hogarth.
d. “You mean she’s been driven mad?” How about,You mean the sickness has driven her mad?
Are you sure about this? I don’t want you to get hurt.” How about,I am
concerned for your safety.
I really had to look to find anything. This is very clean and very interesting. I love the descriptions of the gnarled trees and earthen houses. This is exactly what the place would have looked like. I can see it vividly. I like the love connection between Lauriana and Mikell. I see you introduced a healer. I like this. I am addicted to this. It is like a i slowly reading a novel. I have made suggestions. You work would still stand on its own without them. Kudos, Sandi
wfpolden reviewed Version 2 -
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A very thought out plot that only seems to lack a little of that goes on around this chapter. That it is a fable story of science fiction, holds that the charicters names are extreamly long, though each charicter has a concise structure and background. The roles each play are well executed and there are true to life experanced role playing that has evolved each charicter, with new twists (Tandril being Hogarth’s son)are keeping readers active. It does seem to lack the magical ‘spookinees’ that is usally carried in the magicial realm and seems at time ‘to friendly’ for the reader to get gripped by the flow of words.
Monicajames reviewed Version 2 -
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Very well written. I look forward to the next chapter. You write well and you kept my interest. Thanks for the previous chapter’s recap, they helped me to understand the story more. Excellant job.
alberto311 reviewed Version 2 -
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You definately have a strong sense of feel for this genre. I liked your conversations they seemed to flow very well. At times I felt that events seemed to fall into place like a jigsaw puzzle… sorry hard to explain , but i guess if i had to pick a moment is when the second healer showed up and offerred to help, although conveniant it is obvious the healer has more to do with this later on. I think it needed more of a challenge to find the second healer than just conviniently being at the right place at the right time.
Jan_Glinton reviewed Version 2 -
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Some minor errors:
Getting into a war with the elves will not help -> I think the phases “fight with elves” is better here. From what you’ve written of Tandril in this chapter, it would appear that he would use that phrase. But I haven’t read the other chapters, so I might be wrong.
Finding an elf who was not, was rare. —> There should not be a comma here.
Stopped to look in and then paced some more. —> He stopped…
Otherwise I think you have a good, well-written story. Your characters are believable and obviously flawed. Thank goodness they don’t teleport.
Putting chapter summaries at the beginning is pure genius, because they put this chapter in context. What I find interesting is Lauriana realising what her flaws are, and how she tries to change this, all in the space of a chapter, this Chapter 16. In other stories I’ve read, characters discover their flaws/what they have to do to make a story progress at the beginning of a novel, but only realise what exactly it is they need to do at the end (just look at Frodo from LOTR). I wonder how she will resolve her problem with The Master. BTW, ‘The Master’ is the name of a badass villain from the ‘Doctor Who’ franchise. Watch out for naming issues there.
Your character names are unusual: familiar but exotic at the same time (Tendril??!!), but strangely, they work and I have no problem remembering who’s who. To me, lots of fantasy stories fail because the characters’ names either don’t seem to be ‘logical’ or are too hard to recall. Even LOTR suffered from this to some extent. That’s another point – there aren’t too many characters to remember about here, which is good.
Good luck in getting published!
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