Thanks, I was curious though, what words like moron? Like “Stupid head, jerk, meany” That’s what I thought you meant, but I’m not one hundred percent sure.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Chapter One of Warrior's Guild (Analysis)
The city was in flames. Pockets of armored raiders coalesced through the carnage, stepping over a dying garrison soldier here, a bleeding boy there, stomping on a flailing woman’s head, kicking out at a struggling merchant. Small groups of living townspeople ran hard for known exits, but most were cut off from escape.
I won’t die for this city. Kern and his men be damned. I’ve got my information, I’m gone.
Strand Thos shoved his ring and scraps of papers into his tunic pocket, breathing hard. Smoke curled through the windows of his one room house from next door; his unfortunate neighbor now had less than a shell of a house remaining.
He ran from the smoky bedroom, through the kitchen, and wrenched open the front door, choking and spluttering as he took off to the left.
He sprinted down the small street he had lived on for the past six months. The stars of the early morning sky glittered faintly, the only light besides the flames flickering through the city. Garbage was piled high in front of every home: the Governor of the city not bothered by trash collection of the slums.
Thos reached the end of his road and swung left, heading toward the outer edge of the city. He glanced over his shoulder and ran into a low hanging flagpole, falling flat on his back. Slightly dazed, he stood again, his jade eyes darting, alert for any movement in or around the surrounding shops.
The distant yells of the raiders, a large group of professional soldiers, echoed off the walls of the wooden homes and businesses of the city of Moorshed.
He checked his pocket to make sure his possessions had not fallen out and walked on, slower. Sweat pooled on his tunic and his head ached from breathing in the smoke – and from running into a flagpole.
He ran his hand through his auburn hair, pushing it off his face. A little pinprick of fear tickled his mind, and he took a deep breath: fear should have no place in his mind now.
Weaponless and alone on a dark street and there’s a force of unknown soldiers in the midst of taking over the city.
That makes me feel better.
He reached an intersection and pursed his lips, thinking. He decided to turn left again, intent on finding a way out and avoiding his cousin, Militeus Kern, by straying from the normal routes the thieves and cutthroats used.
Yet he was forced onto them anyway. He kept to the shadows of alleys, three times passing the raiders in parties of three to twenty. Finally, he reached the Thieves’ Parallel, which ran the same direction as the Moorshed Highway, if a little divergently.
The Greater Wall stood twenty feet high, the battlements built after the invasion of Corland a dozen years ago. Thos reached the stretch of wall at the end of the Parallel, which opened into a torch lit circular plaza. Four soldiers patrolled the area, two on either side of the gates and two on the other streets leading off from the plaza: the Moorshed Highway adjacent to the gate and Asperta Way, a little to the right.
“Why wouldn’t they have this one covered?” Thos whispered to himself.
“Maybe they do.”
Thos turned, jumping away from the voice as far as he could. Even in the meager light, Thos could see his cousin’s angular face.
“Scare ya?” Militeus Kern whispered, cold grey eyes gleaming. “C’mon, we’ll get outta here. Then me and you will talk.”
Thos thought for a second, but knew he had little choice. Even between the two of them, four trained soldiers provided a challenge, and Thos abstained from tempting fate. He nodded, and Kern grinned wolfishly, gesturing behind him.
The crumpled form of a man lay motionless. Kern took from the man a dagger and a sword, handed Thos the latter in its sheath, and took the lead. Thos swung the strap of the sheath over his right shoulder and followed.
The cousins circled the edges of the torchlight shining from the gatehouse and the sides of the Moorshed Highway. Thos tried to breathe evenly, but his heart pounded in his throat.
Thos glanced around as they walked, crouched, and thought of the circumstances that first brought him to this plaza. Six months before, he had come to Moorshed under the command of the Vadheim Warrior’s Guild to spy on his cousin, Militeus Kern, and his group of bandits and cutthroats. Kern had welcomed him with open arms, after Thos had produced a story about living on the streets for years.
Kern held up a hand as the two came within feet of the first guard, whose sword dangled limply from his side. Kern put his mouth right next to Thos’ head and whispered “Kill him.”
Thos clenched his jaw, and grasped his larger cousin by his short dusky hair. “They’ll all be upon us then.”
Kern pushed him against the wall with little movement. “I’ll kill one of the guards at the gate, take his sword, and kill the other, just as you’ll kill the two over here. Then you come with me.
“Or I kill you now.”
Thos stared his cousin down, green eyes meeting grey, both men strong enough to kill the other, both callous enough. Thos backed down. He could deal with Kern later.
He pushed Kern off of him, and silently drew his sword. Kern smiled, the expression sending a shiver down Thos’ spine. Kern sped across the plaza, a distance of less than twenty feet, and Thos moved toward his first target.
Wasting no time, he sent his blade deep into the man’s exposed neck, blood blossoming instantly. He extracted his sword, pushed the gurgling man down, and lunged across the highway at the other. The man held his sword ready.
Thos began circling the man, painfully aware that he lacked armor and a shield while his opponent had both.
“C’mon, yea nasty pickerel!” the man yelled at him. Thos, even through his mounting terror, stifled a laugh.
I think I just got called a fish.
The man’s stance was both confident and frightened, but he knew how to handle himself: he matched Thos’ footsteps perfectly.
The clank of metal on pavers to his right sent Thos into an instinctive crouch, backing against the wall. His initial enemy took the opportunity to stab at him. Thos turned the attempt aside with the flat of his blade. He brought his weapon around in time to sever the man’s head, cutting through mail, flesh, and bone.
He pivoted on his right foot into a defensive stance, facing the sound of clanking metal. One of the other guards charged, shoulder lowered. Thos rolled to the side, tumbled into the torchlight, and stood. He braced himself.
The other man stopped himself just short of the wall, turned, and drew a massive broadsword.
Then the man’s eyes widened in shock as Kern stabbed him through the throat from behind. Kern withdrew his dagger and pushed the man down.
“Sorry, I wasn’t quick enough,” Kern panted, his eyes flashing over the plaza. Thos stared at Kern for a moment, frowning.
“Time to talk?” Thos asked, twirling his sword.
“I guess so,” Kern replied, wiping his dagger on his pant leg.
Thos grimaced. “You want me gone?”
Kern sheathed his dagger and bent to pick up the fallen guard’s broadsword. “I don’t have a choice but to want you gone. You betrayed me.”
“I want you to be on the right side of the law, Kern. I want you do the right thing.”
“Who says you’re right, Thos? Adair? Some laws written by corrupt old fops sitting around a table a thousand years ago? Not by my standards. I do what I have to, for survival,” Kern shot as he scraped his sword on the pavement. He took a step forward but Thos stood his ground.
“Kern, I don’t want this to get violent,” Thos said, almost pleading.
“And if I don’t just surrender? Will you kill me? Will you?”
“Please,” Thos said, and Kern charged.
Thos blocked his larger cousin’s assault, anger and the tinge of fear surfacing instantly. Kern brought his sword up in a high arc. Thos ducked and stepped into the attack, shoulder lowered. Kern grunted and doubled over.
Thos pushed his cousin off with his forearm. With his free left hand he uppercut Kern in the throat. Kern gasped for air, and Thos slammed the flat of his blade into Kern’s skull.
Kern fell.
The first rays of sunlight began to brighten the sky. Thos sighed, anger and fear receding with the stars. A dog yelped. Thos bent over his cousin. His breathing was shallow, but he was alive.
Two slight figures sped off of Asperta Way, running crouched toward Thos. In the still-scarce light, he could not make them out. He stood, holding his sword in front of him.
“It’s Nic and Dustin,” one whispered.
Wasting no time, Thos fabricated the events of the battle, then told the two young men that they should leave town, and that he would meet them at River’s Bend.
“Why can’t you come now?” Nic asked, a little quaver in his voice.
“I need to go warn the guys at the Pits. I’ll bring them with me. Go on. You two can carry Kern. Just get out of here.”
They nodded, lifted Kern, glanced back at Thos once, and were gone.
“What morons.”
Thos left the occupied city of Moorshed through the front gates.
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Daemalous reviewed Version 1 -
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as i had begun to read through your piece here i found myself liking the way you described the characters actions. Smple is good---but there were a few hicks like >>>and Thos abstained from tempting fate by trying to fight his way out.<<< its a lot of words for he didnt fight like he wanted to…its more confusing than anything else. I dont know if these are goods guys or bad guys but maybe thats for later on. There needs to be a little more narative presence--you’re trying to tell the story through the character’s dialogue…but there isnt enough of it…the narative just needs more short descriptions and more meanigful dialogue.
beyond that good start. Dont take my feedback the wrong way. you just need a little work. I was enetertained with just this little bit of writting. so keep it.
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RPierce reviewed Version 1 -
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You’ve got a nice beginning here. The action pulls you in quickly and keeps you reading, and I like the little bits of slapstick (use only in moderation, however, or Thos will wind up looking like Jar Jar Binks). You could slow it down a bit, though. The details you have are adequate, at this point, but they could be fleshed out a bit more.
Also, this kind of feels more like a prologue, than a chapter, a way to introduce the character of Thos than anything. When the ending comes, we don’t really have an idea of where this is going, of what the bigger picture is.
Now, on to the point of vulgarities: I’m not going to tell you not to use them, but in six pages you’ve used ‘fuck’ twice. When it comes to fantasy, in a medieval setting, I would advise that you use this word very sparingly, if at all. The fact of the matter is, in today’s society, such words have lost their meaning, and in many cases you run the risk of looking unable to better express what you mean to convey. It is no longer “cool” or “edgy”. I used to use it quite frequently myself, until it was pointed out to me by a more experienced reader/writer. I went through, toned it down, and found this person was right. Find another way to pack the intended punch into your narrative, and you will find the effort worth it.
Good luck with this!
Daemalous reviewed Version 2 -
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ok so this version is alot better. youve improved how you describe the sence and emotions. i like the new openning although its done in present tense when the rest of the story is in past. but an easy fix. i found a few more things you can work on. once again all easy fixes to provide large improvement.
A little pinprick of fear tickled his mind—when purveying an emotion like this…stay away from words like tickled. try using “scurried” instead.
both men strong enough to kill the other, both callous enough….in this sentence i would recommend fragment sentencing for it stands out and gives the sense of more emotion for example “both men strong enough to kill the other. Both callous enough.”“or”“both men were strong, and callous, enough to kill the other” for a more liquidic flow.
stifled a laugh<<
Nic asked, a little quaver in his voice.<<
MKary reviewed Version 2 -
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This is a great first pass. Your grasp of the city layout is convincing. However instead of the “turned left” moments, it would be more fitting to use North, South directionals.
I always get pulled out of a sci fi or fantasy story when hear words like “moron”, but that may be alright with you.
My favorite part and the one I had the most difficulty with is your battle encounter. I felt like you had your strokes and the steps laid out. What I didn’t like was how cookie cutter the guards were. This happens all the time in published works, but the good ones give even the guards a description to hold on to. Try giving one a broken nose, or a raspy voice or something that doesn’t scream out “This guy’s dead in a few sentences!”.
If you’re open to suggestions for a title, how about, “Thicker Than Water”? That is if family and blood are going to be themes that carry through the rest of your narrative.
Anyhow, a good read, and I’m curious to see more.
catluckey reviewed Version 2 -
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You’ve got a decent hook with this story. I kept reading without being bored. Nice action, witty banter, and good solid characters.
...stomping on a flailing woman’s head… (confusing, maybe reword)
...kicking out at a struggling merchant…(someone is kicking a merchant, what is the merchant doing and how is he struggling; maybe reword)
I won’t die for this city. Kern and his men be damned. I’ve got my information, I’m gone. (Use italics to represent inner dialog/thoughts.)
...the Governor of the city was not bothered… (insert; missing word)
...grasped his larger cousin by his short dusky hair. (Why would Thos grab his cousin by the hair? Seems to be a strange move. Men don’t like to be grabbed by hair, it’s feminine. Maybe hitting then snatching him by the arm or grabbing him into a chokehold?)
I enjoyed Kern and Thos’s banter, even when they fought. That’s some interesting writing. And you’ve got a great imagination and talent to boot. Keep reading your prose out loud to catch awkward sentences, use spellcheck, and watch out for punctuation.
crimsonarchon reviewed Version 2 -
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I’ve always thought it a good technique to begin a story right in the middle of the action and then explain later how the situation came to pass, and I think it certainly works here. We don’t have time to wonder who the protagonist is or why he’s in a jam, and we really don’t have a clear picture of what the beef (pardon the phrasing) is between he and his cousin. That’s all fine and good but because there isn’t any room to really develop the characters or get a feel for what’s really going on in the story I can’t really advise whether or not it’s publishable. I just don’t know enough to make that call.
Other than that, the only gripe I have is that it’s a rather bare narrative. The framework, the bones if you will, is all there but it’s lacking the meat. Try fleshing it out a bit, perhaps a bit more description or more dialog between the cousins to explain why they are so at odds?
You have talent, of that I’m certain. I’d like to read more from you.
FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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Honestly I’m was a little. Seems like we’re starting at the beginning of the end. Like at some point you will do a flash back explaining how they got to this point. There were also a lot of characters introduced and was I kept getting them mixed up. Only thing I knew is that they were Thos was cousin. Plus you intodruced Thos as Strand Thos…so once I started reading I kept thinking what happened to Strand..only to remember Strand Thos is the same person. This is not a bad a story, I just feel the beginning threw the reader right in the middle or even the end. I must admit though you can write a great fight scene…some people would just to it the lazy way and tell the reader there was fight.
JesusFreak reviewed Version 2 -
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for just a rough draft it was well done.
“C’mon, yea nasty pickerel!” the man yelled at him. Thos, even through his mounting terror, stifled a laugh.
I think I just got called a fish.
i loved this part for just in the middle of s desructive setting and how the Thos could not breat right thsi pops up i just laughed like you do not see such things as much and so i think for a rough draft again it was well done.
trismugistus reviewed Version 2 -
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MaxPower1272 reviewed Version 2 -
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The introduction is very dramatic an disturbing which works well to draw the reader in, however, it seems to suffer from “ACTION-HERO-COMICBOOK” syndrome. I’ve noticed that when writers start blurting out action they have a tendancy to go balistic with imagery and content instead of carefully selecting what the reader needs to know and doesn’t need to know, resulting in an ackward or amaturish feel to the story, even though, you may have a pretty clear and refined concept of what your trying to convey.
I think this piece works as a beginning but like I said, try to refine the action so that it is quick and potent and interesting. Word economy is important not just when it comes to individual words, but ideas.
Also your phrasing/content seems to be alittle too common, nothing stands out about it, I’d try to elaborate on the action exposition so that it is vibrant to read but not overdone. Also make sure that what dialogue you do display goes well with explaining whats going on.
Good luck!
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