Thank you. This is only a small bit from the entire story. I just haven’t gotten around to posting the entire thing. Thank you for the review! _
Romance / Drunken Kisses
Liz frowned upon hearing a crashing sound coming from down the hall. She had awoke a short while ago and, not able to get back to sleep she opted to get some water from the kitchens. She had just been heading back to her room when she heard a crash. She hurried back down the stairs and down one hall. She heard another crash and realized it was coming from the library. Hoping someone wasn’t trying to break into the house she fisted her hands and forged on. She quickly threw the door open and stopped with her mouth gapping. Albus Potter was stumbling around beside the sofa with a pile of books in his arms. She stared at him a moment before shutting her mouth and stepping into the room.
“Potter?” she asked.
Albus jumped, dropping the books in his arms and stumbling. He tripped when he spotted her and fell onto the sofa with a very girlish squeal. Liz suppressed her laugh as she rushed forward to help him back up.
“What are you doing Potter?” she asked as he righted him self, uttering a few choice curse words.
“I wanted to read,” he gestured to the books strewn about the floor. Sudden recognition filled Liz’s eyes.
“You’re drunk!” she exclaimed.
“So?” Albus shrugged. Leave it to her to state the total obvious.
“You shouldn’t have been drinking,” she stated, backing away.
“Why not?” Albus advanced, following her retreat step for step.
“It’s not right,” she swallowed as her back hit the wall.
“I’m well over the legal age and I don’t plan on going anywhere tonight,” he stopped with very little space left between them.
She didn’t respond. Albus took the time then to look her over. He felt his blood rushing upon finding her in a little nightgown and a robe that barely reached mid thigh. How was it that she still didn’t have a boyfriend? Throughout all of his time knowing her he only remembered two or three times where she had had a boyfriend.
“Stop staring,” she mumbled suddenly.
“I’m not,” Albus smirked.
“Then what are you doing?” she queried.
“Talking to you,” he said simply.
His eyes flitted down to her mouth to find she was biting her lower lip. He recalled that she never used to do that until just before Rose and Scorpius became engaged. He found she mostly did it when she was thinking or nervous. He uttered an audible groan and closed his eyes momentarily.
He was so close to her she could barely breath. Forcing herself to remain calm and rational she brought a hand up and placed it upon his chest in an attempt to push him back.
He merely pushed himself forward until the only thing separating them was her hand on his chest.
“What are you doing to me?” He murmured, allowing his lips to brush her ear as he breathed in her scent. She smelt wonderful.
“I’m-I’m not doing anything,” she whispered, unable to bring herself to move even though every part of her was screaming for her to.
He watched again as she bit her lower lip before bringing his eyes to meet hers, green flashing with something else she couldn’t decipher. “Liar.”
Before she could even say anything, before she could even think of a response his lips crashed down upon hers. Her lips parted on a gasp and he plundered her mouth. She had done everything possible with a guy but none of that could ever amount to this one kiss. He pleased and teased her at the same time. It was the best torcher.
The hand that had previously been trying to push him back bunched into a fist, pulling him closer until there was no space left between them. One of his hands was at her lower back, holding her to him, his other hand came up to cup her nape and keep her mouth molded to his. Her hands slowly moved up around his neck, allowing him to spin her so her back was against the sofa.
His lips quickly covering hers and kissing her hard, demanding so much more silenced the small squeal that escaped her mouth. All thought escaped her mind. She could only feel. Pleasure washed over her as he brutally attacked her mouth. It was intoxicating, stupefying even. He was intoxicating.
She was so soft, so sweet. Her mouth tasted of cherries and her body molded to his perfectly, as if she were made for him. Everything from the feel of her body to the taste of her skin was inviting. She was so appealing that he found himself wanting, no needing, to have more of her. A feeling of possession launched through him, a feeling so deep he was momentarily perturbed by the word that ran through his head as he continued his assault on her mouth.
Mine.
It was enough of a thought to cause him to deepen the kiss, pushing himself roughly against her. His push sent them reeling over the arm of the sofa. It was enough for her to suddenly realize what they were doing.
With a startled squeal she pushed him off of her and he toppled to the floor. She leapt to her feet as she desperately tried to gain some semblance of control. She let out a few desperate, shaky gasps as she stumbled away from him.
He pushed himself off the floor, feeling completely and utterly dazed as he raised his gaze to meet Liz’s panicked one. She stared at him with wide eyes, ones that were torn between fright and something else.
“You’re drunk.”
He could only stare at her, caught between fury and amusement. Only she could say something so stupid after what had just transpired between them.
He stood up quickly, surprising her at his agility as his eyes met hers, a burning look in them. She was reminded strongly of a wolf as his green eyes narrowed to slits.
“Your point, Zabini?” he asked softly as he advanced on her.
“You don’t know what you’re doing,” she exclaimed as she hurried to put as much furniture between them as possible.
“I can assure you, I know perfectly well what I’m doing,” he said as he rushed to moved to her side, only to have her hurry away and around more furniture.
“No,” she said vehemently, denial clear on her face. “No you don’t.”
“Zabini,” he growled, moving swiftly toward her. “Stop running away from me.”
“Stay back,” she declared, her voice full-scale panic. She held up one hand as though that one thing would hold him back. Albus dropped his hands to his sides and sighed.
“Alright,” he said as she took several steps back. “You win.”
She eyed him warily and slowly lowered her arms. Albus smirked as she did so. He was surprised that she would trust him so easily. With surprising agility he had her in his arms and pressed against the wall. He snatched her hands and held them above her head. Before he could react she brought her knee up. He immediately regretted his stance of his legs slightly spread. He cursed and looked her in the eyes. She smiled at him sickly sweet.
“Let me go, Albus, or you know what happens.”
He slowly released her arms, ready to grab her again in a quick movement. Before he could she darted past him and out of the open library door. He cursed and ran after her. She was far faster then he had thought. Before he could catch her she made it to her room and slammed the door. He pounded on it angrily, only getting a “Go to bed, Potter,” in reply.
He stomped off angrily in the direction of his room. When he reached it he kicked off his shoes, undressed and flopped onto his bed. He wouldn’t forget that kiss, despite his drunken state, and he would make sure she wouldn’t either.
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chantelisner reviewed Version 1 -
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You may have placed the discriptions in other writings but while they were engaging each other for the first time i was left wondering what they looked like. ie hair color body shape “athletic skinny shapely” the shape of their face things of that sort.
As for the actions they are wonderfull the sentance stucture brought me into the story. I could imagine him touching her with your words.
It was a great read.
It kind of threw me in the end when he was so insistant when she was saying no. in the end when she was saying no and he kept at her I lost all good feelings about him. Maybe you could soften it up Make it seem more playful than hurtfull. Maybe put a little more doubt in her at what she is saying.
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FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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Potter got kids…..spoilers much…. I’m joking. I liked this for what is. I was missing magic though. Just try trying adding magic. Even if she’s just simply using her wand as a flash light while on her way to the kitchen.
wisedec4u reviewed Version 1 -
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It was a very entertaining read, although it’s hard to think of sweet, innocent Harry Potter characters in a “bodice ripper” scenario. My, my haven’t they grown up. There were a few things that stood out such as: She had awoke a short while ago and, not able to get back to sleep she opted to get some water from the kitchens(do you mean kitchen?-singular). She hurried back down the stairs and down one hall. (Suggestion: She hurried back down the stairs and through the narrow hall on the right.-gives the reader a more descriptive visual) ”Potter?” (S)he asked. I’m not bigger Harry Potter fan, but I’ve seen at least few clips of the films here and there with my kids and I’ve written some Buffy fanfiction myself. Just remember that the best fan fiction are the ones that stay true to characters. Great job. I hope to see more soon.
Raven_Held reviewed Version 1 -
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It was okay, frankly. I think you have the potential to do better. This was a little too much detail on the kissing bit; it just makes your story an entertaining read, but nothing spectacular. Good effort, though. And I haven’t missed those Harry Potter names! ;)
Raven
a_sooner_girl reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the tension between the two characters. I like that you leave the reader guessing when she says, “You know what happens.” I’d love to know what happens. I would like to have a little more description of the characters, so I can get a good mental picture. I also wonder what your target audience is here. I’m assuming you’re targeting the older Potter fans. Or are you targeting a general older audience? As someone who has read some of the Potter books, I had a hard time reading this with the associations I have in my head from the young adult books. All in all though, I think it does have some potential. You are very good at creating that tension between romantic characters that makes someone want to read more.
chrisrose331 reviewed Version 1 -
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the only thing about this story is that it reads like a fan fiction. you should strive to find your own voice and your own original characters. Think would this story still work if you out in OC in the place of albus. if not then the story isn’t any good.
anyways you show a lot of promise, you should read different sorts of books to start to find your own voice.
good luck!
Rika_Ricardson reviewed Version 1 -
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First issue; would someone frown if they heard a crash? Or would they jump? I think maybe frowning is too mild. Second issue; “stopped with her mouth gapping” should be ‘gaping’ not ‘gapping’.
Interesting story. Other then those couple of mistakes, pretty well written. Looks like a scene from a novel.
Alexandra1995 reviewed Version 1 -
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This story is, as I am almost sure, should go on. My advice is to make a series of this if you want. Possibly Albus could try again later on in the series when he’s sober and Zabini is more willing maybe.
This is sure to warm a few hearts so my advice is to continue writing and giving the people what they want. More of this story.
dove2010 reviewed Version 1 -
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‘crashing sound coming from down the hall’...change to ‘crash from down the hall’
‘she heard a crash’...change to ‘heard the crash’ since we’re already aware of the crash
‘him self’ one word
Other then the three posted above I couldn’t find any errors in the story. The dialog was great and flowed wonderfully. I loved your descriptions and images. They were extremely vivid and made it so the reader would find it hard not to picture exactly what is going on in the story.
MaxPower1272 reviewed Version 1 -
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LOL very cool piece of fanfiction, I didn’t know there was drinking at Hogwarts?! lol, Your prose executes a good cat and mouse romantic exchange.
Nice work, good luck!
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