Short Story / CHOICE
CHOICE!
You hear the splashing of the waves.
The tide has started to come in. The sound of the waves is soothing
as you walk along the shore of the beach. The sand feels wonderful with every step you take.
So soft that every step you take is silent.
Its is early in the morning.
The sun is starting to rise from its rest.
You can smell the scent of the ocean.
You realize that it smells beautiful without the scent of pollution.
There is the smell of ocean salt that rolls in with the tide.
In your hand you hold a gnarled old oak staff
that with every step you take you move it along.
The way it fits perfectly in your hand is reassuring.
You feel a small breeze that brushes through your hair and around you
with a touch that is soothing.
You continue to walk along the sandy shore with the sound of the waves as the slide up on the shore and then ebb back .
You open your eyes and look out across the ocean.
You see the sun just half way up.
From the sky you only see half but the reflection on the water makes it look whole.
The clouds above the ocean range in a variety of colors
between pink and orange.
All this is reflecting off the deep sea blue of the ocean.
You can see the faint out lines of birds in the far off distance.
Are the coming or going?
You do not know the answer.
As the water ebbs off the shore it leaves a white froth that is soaked up by the sand.
The sand of the shore is a golden brown
with glints of silver and gold as the sun reflects off.
The shore of the beach seems to go on forever.
You turn your head to the west and see the sunrise over the deep sea blue ocean as the tide whispers on the shore.
You look behind you to the north and notice you set of footprints form where you walked in the sand leaving a trail of your adventure.
How long you walked you do not care.
You turn and look to the east and see a endless stretch of sand that goes forever.
Just mile after mile.
You in front of you to the south and see that the beach goes quite aways
and deep down you know there is a end.
To the West lies the water.........Hope.
To the North lies the path you walked..........Past.
To the East lies the desert of endless sand..........Suffering.
To the South lies the shore and a end............Future
In your Hand you hold your staff..........Support
This sandy shore is the borderline of you life.
To this you have a realization that this is your life and you choice to do what you want to do.
Head North and stay in the Past.
Head East and never Return.
Head South and live in Peace.
Head West and know you are Loved.
You continue to walk the sandy shore and you here a calm and reassuring
voice inside your head and all around you saying;
"The Choice is yours"
You awaken form your dream back to your bedroom in reality.
The voice and words echo through your head.
"The Choice is yours"
The choice is yours
What will you choose as you live your life?
The Choice is your everyday.
Written by: Kurt .M.J. Bull
tell me what you think.
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in my opinion (and others may disagree), this is definitely not a short story. in an edited version, this could possibly work as a poem.
you use sight, sound, smell and touch. this is a good thing, but it feels as though you want to hammer the reader with what you are seeing. a few simple lines can set the scene for the reader.
you tell the reader what each compass point means, instead of showing them. use an analogy or two and a reader will understand exactly what you mean. always assume the reader is intelligent.
the waking from (not form – typo) a dream was abrupt and didn’t flow. the concept is not novel, so put a twist in view or perception to get the reader thinking and interested.
you have talent and love to paint a picture with words. you can do this with some more thought and a lot of editing. i hated to have to put ratings on this because i think you can do much better.
if you published this in a book of your own writings, the pieces surrounding this should be exceptional and in my opinion, some major editing should be done before approaching any publisher with this. having said that, clarity rated high but only because the clarity of the vision was hammered in.
a short poem of maybe two or three stanzas would do this justice. good luck with your editing :)
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As a short story – this doesn’t qualify. There is no movement, conflict, resolution, plot. It is a setting but not a story – so it is more of a prose poem.
You need to increase your vocabulary. You keep using the same words over and over again, soothing, ocean, smell, scent and many others. You need to find other words that you can use – a thesaurus would be a good tool. Or describe these things in fine detail.
Grammar is off as is punctuation. It hits the reader right away.
An examples, tense shift between line and two.
Missing period after line 2. Line three needs to be capped, and the period changed to a comma. I could go on. I recommend you find an friend with good editing skills and have them correct your errors.
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