Novel Treatments / Atherton's Tale (beginning)

This certainly did grab my attention. It’s concise and sharply written, and the characterisation is strong. The narrator’s thoughts are interesting, but I do think they’re a bit morbid (eg the sun doesn’t give them pleasure, and they focus on kiddies battering each other). If the character were more humourous, then I definitely would be interested in reading more. Good luck

I would read the first chapter…when you say 2007..do you mean or current world? I cant imagine kids beating each other until bloodshed…teenagers but not kids. I started a similar story like this, but so far I like your version better. I want to know if he have supernatural powers or is just a murderer.

Within this short bit I had become engaged with what is going on. I am interested in seeing where you are going here. I hope you continue with this.

This reminds me of the Rolling Stones’ song, Sympathy for the Devil. Your giving the impression that this is a story, told from the perspective of death or some incarnate thereof. You’ll have to work hard to make sure that it’s separate from the rest of the types of stories out there.

I’m not saying it’s not possible, but it will be difficult.

Your questions in the first paragraph really grab the reader by the head and pull them in for more. I think that you’re on the brink of something and I would want to read more. Keep at it.

Thanks for sharing.

To answer the question does it catch your attention – yes after the third paragraph.

There is some good stuff in here and a very good start.  I am assuming that the narrator is an assassin of sorts and to have him start with the justification of his employment is a great idea.  He is clearly a psychopath (or is non-human) and appears in this to have no sense of remorse.  This would work well as he does give some justification in that he is ‘easing pain.’  You could develop this throughout the novel although there will need to be some sort of conflict in the narrator’s tale to hold our interest in this point of view throughout.

There were some jarring phrases which could be tightened up and re-drafted to make the thing slicker.

‘The story you are about to experience’  - this would be better, ‘the story you are about to read’ or ‘what you are about to experience’.

‘Innocence projects lack of guilt’ – innocence assumes lack of guilt

‘just today I was sitting the park’ – this is too chatty in style.  You want to draw the reader in.  This is the beginning of a novel, a thriller maybe.  Make it a bit more dramatic.  ’Today the sun shone.  I sat, surrounded by people, my face to the sky to take in what pleasure I could from it’s rays.’  OK maybe not your style but beef it up a bit.

‘I lessen people’s pain…  - this whole paragraph holds a great idea.  It’s the reason he does what he does but it’s not clear enough.  It would be good if you would start the paragraph with the last sentence and re-draft it from there.

I like the last paragraph although it’s a little vague.  You might want it that way.  The last line is great and I wanted to read more.

Keep going.  It’s a great idea.  

I really liked paragraphs 4 and 5, however, I would say paragraphs 2 and 3 still need some work. The last half of your introduction did catch my attention and make me want to read more.

This is good, but too short for much feedback. The first-person POV brought me close to the story and I wanted to read the next line. My one humble suggestion has to do with ”...why I do what I do.” I think this character would have a name for his primary activity. Some names come immediately to mind: ”...why I harvest,” ”...why I scythe.” (Too obvious?)

“Red Rum” is an anagram for the word “murder.” So, he could say “…why I love red rum.

Nice work so far.

This is really good.  It definitely draws me in and makes me want to read more.  I’m curious to learn more about this character, what it is he does, and how he ended up doing it.  Good job!

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December 30, 2008

by lostthunder

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
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27	M	Storrs Mansfield, CT	April 15

thank ya…im actually gonna take it in a different direction from what was originally planned. but anyway, thank you again

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I like how the beginning makes you think about the word innocence. It really seems like you got into the character’s mind with this journal entry. The end makes me wonder what is the character’s job. I wonder if this person is an executioner?

Good job with this beginning. I like it. It definitely held my attention from beginning to end.

I like your rant about innocence…the line, Many have done at my hands, and there are many more to come…is awkward.