i see what you mean as far as how it is written. honestly i didn’t think of it. but, now realizing this, i’ll probably address how he could be writing it as a autobiography of sorts. sorry, it was bad day the day i responded. thanx. LATER
Novel Treatments / Atherton's Tale (beginning)
July 13, 2007
The story you are about to experience is real. No names have have been changed because there is no one to protect; no one is innocent.
Innocence, what an outmoded idea. Why is this concept still alive? Why is the word even still in the language? Why does any one person still assume that there is innocence in this world? Innocence projects lack of guilt in one form or another. But I know now that everyone is, or will be, guilty of some mortal sin throughout life.
Just today i was sitting in the park, enjoying what little pleasure can come from the sun these days. I watched the people around me, men and women, children and elders. I noticed two children taunting and hitting another small child until the boy was in tears and blood. The reason I don't know, but does that really have any bearing? They say that children are the innocents, as well as the future. This is undoubtedly true, which may be why I do what I do.
I lessen people's pain, ease the torment they will feel when they realize that they have failed and that the children have inherited the sins of the father. We are all capable of sin, and we all sin. Therefore, human beings deserve their death.
That’s where I come in. At least that is the way it seems. Many have died at my hands, and there are many more to come. I look at it this way. Humans are destined to destroy one another and their own societies. I'm just doing my part and hurrying the process. But I’m getting ahead of the story. Allow me to introduce myself.
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JHarvey reviewed Version 2 -
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This is really good. It definitely draws me in and makes me want to read more. I’m curious to learn more about this character, what it is he does, and how he ended up doing it. Good job!
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Allex_Spires reviewed Version 1 -
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Your story is unbelievable because after a stranger walked to me and said, without room for interruption, those first three sentences, I would just get up and walk away. Don’t tell the story, show the story. Let your reader experience the story, as is promised in the first sentence. To a google search for: “Show, don’t just tell” and “Show don’t tell”.
Outmoded. Outmoted is not a word.
Many have done what at my hands?
Who?
Who is Narrator, what gender? Who is Narrator talking to? Who exactly is “Many”?
What?
What does Narrator mean by innocence? What guilt is there in a rock, or a newborn fish? What does Narrator do? What roundabout number does “Many” coincide with? A dozen? Hundreds?
When?
When does the story take place? The BCs? The 1920s? The future? What timeframe does it fall into? The period of a week? An eternity?
Where?
Narrator is talking to me, the reader. Where is Narrator that Narrator is able to do this? Where does Narrator perform Narrator’s atrocious deeds?
Why?
Why is Narrator telling me, or anybody, this story? Why does Narrator not introduce Narrator’s name or occupation? Why doesn’t the audience get up and leave when this person starts talking to them from nowhere? Why does Narrator believe that there is no innocence? Why does Narrator kill because there is no innocence?
How?
How is Narrator able to tell me this story? How does Narrator kill? How does Narrator decide who to kill? How do Narrator’s victims react?
drbailey reviewed Version 1 -
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This piece of flash fiction sets the essence of a character, in this case the speaker of the piece. One of the items you’ve selected as criteria is that of attention grabbing and holding.
I have to say that it kept MY attention, but I enjoy reading others work. I feel, from an editorial perspective, that the way the character is projecting their thoughts of innocence being outdate is somewhat cliche. While this cynical view of innocence is something you want your character to be soaked in, it needs to be done in another way.
Example: have the character relate a story in the same amount of words that shows how people arent innocent. When the character first realized their mother wasn’t innocent for example, or some other example. If you wound in some dark humor it would probally score more attention and hold more gazes.
The actual writing if well done. You stitch words together very well. There is one typo where or is spelled ar at the second line of the second paragraph. Otherwise, your grammatical structure and sense lexical sense is well done.
Enjoyed this… would be interested in any revisions.
Stay cool,
D R
catluckey reviewed Version 1 -
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outmoted Correct spelling: outmoded
Many have done at my hands… Is it: Many have died at my hands…
Every human being is guilty, therefore every human… Break into 2 sentences: Every human being is guilty. Therefore, every human…
This sounds very intriguing. I especially like this: No names have have been changed because there is no one to protect; no one is innocent.
I think this portion will work extemely well introducing the character and story. Not only that, he could be narrating to someone. You’ve got a juicy strong start of a story, which I think will profit being huger, rather than a flash fiction.
However, you do need action and description of character if you plan to extend this.
roguescholar reviewed Version 1 -
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I like your rant about innocence…the line, Many have done at my hands, and there are many more to come…is awkward.
the_venus_in_isis reviewed Version 1 -
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‘many have done at’ Died?
I think this is a good intro. You’ve built a character, fanatical about the degeneration of humanity, with very few lines. I feel as though I’m about to step into an assassin’s mind and listen as he justifies his job. Nicely put together. I would love to know more.
shannygoat reviewed Version 1 -
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I definitely think this is an attention grabber. The entire concept of innocence and there not being a degree to which people are innocent or guilty is fascinating – like the concept of there being no “little sins”. Especially in our society when everything has a degree.
Just a couple of things to polish up. ”Why does any one person still assume that there is still innocence in this world?” I think you can omit the first “still”. The sentence reads the same and there is no repeated word. ” guilt in one form ar another”, I think that should be “or”. And “Many have done at my hands,...” I’m not sure if you mean, many sins have been done at your hands, or many sinners have died at your hands.
Besides that, it’s off to a wonderful start! There’s so many different directions you could go from here. I’d be interested in reading more!
TnD reviewed Version 2 -
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This reminds me of the Rolling Stones’ song, Sympathy for the Devil. Your giving the impression that this is a story, told from the perspective of death or some incarnate thereof. You’ll have to work hard to make sure that it’s separate from the rest of the types of stories out there.
I’m not saying it’s not possible, but it will be difficult.
Your questions in the first paragraph really grab the reader by the head and pull them in for more. I think that you’re on the brink of something and I would want to read more. Keep at it.
Thanks for sharing.
campb26593 reviewed Version 2 -
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This is good, but too short for much feedback. The first-person POV brought me close to the story and I wanted to read the next line. My one humble suggestion has to do with ”...why I do what I do.” I think this character would have a name for his primary activity. Some names come immediately to mind: ”...why I harvest,” ”...why I scythe.” (Too obvious?)
“Red Rum” is an anagram for the word “murder.” So, he could say “…why I love red rum.
Nice work so far.
Jan_Glinton reviewed Version 2 -
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This certainly did grab my attention. It’s concise and sharply written, and the characterisation is strong. The narrator’s thoughts are interesting, but I do think they’re a bit morbid (eg the sun doesn’t give them pleasure, and they focus on kiddies battering each other). If the character were more humourous, then I definitely would be interested in reading more. Good luck
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